[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think if you go back, you'll note a few of us explained that "sex" is just that, "sex" but intimacy is different.

Intimacy, is exactly what you did. You shared, something with her, you showed that you have time for her, for things that she is interested in therefore, your interested.

You showed that you cared. That you have feelings for her, and that you "wanted" to cook her breakfast..

What you didn't do was then "ask" for sex, and I assume that, that is the case, although you state "she's been more attentive to me physically, the light has come on".

No, the light has come on for you You've realised that she is a "person" and your "wife" and there is more to a relationship than just sex... There is intimacy and in that love and in that giving for no reason what so ever.

CW

[MiniVanMan]

Okay, I get that. But what I don't get is that back in the day she used to say "sometimes I use you for sex, sometimes you use me for sex, and that's okay". So if it was just sex that was still fine with her.

And now that I know she's having her own private sexual experiences a couple times a week, I know that she still needs "just sex". So why can't we have "just sex" together like we used to?

I mean, in addition to lovemaking.

[sourpuss]

You've got to let that go man. Really, you have to just take a deep breath and let it all go.
The past is the past, and an unhappy one at that. Your fixation on sex and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole is what got the two of you to this place to begin with.

[stressed]

... because, the "just sex" you're referring to, could mean "passionate sex" to her and to have that you need attraction, emotions, wanting "just sex" with the other. At least at this stage, today. She might have meant that the "using each other for sex" was like "some times I had sex with you when I wasn't in the mood for it, other times you had sex with me because I wanted it". What she said can refer to a hundred different occasions/feelings/emotions. You can't move on and deal with the problem if you keep bringing up things she said in the past, it's not good for either of you.

She can't have "just sex" with you now, she can't have any kind of sex with you whatsoever. There are things she misses in your relationship, above it all being emotional connection. Don't compare today with yesterday, it will mess up your head. Don't rush her into having sex, don't think about sex with her, don't think about her masturbation (you masturbate too, so just let it go), because every moment you do you miss the forest for the tree.

Please, try to listen to us for a second here, we do want to help you and many of us understand your sexual frustration, but you have to give it MONTHS and a lot of talk before you even start considering asking for sex. You have to start from day 1, from dating, flirting, showing how much you care for her, for the woman she is, show that you want to make her happy. Not for one week or two, but for much longer than that. It is worth the effort if you still love her.

[stressed]

For what is worth, I have been in your place before. I thought my SO did not want sex at all, he even said he just didn't even think of sex. He wondered (or so he said) if he was asexual and I wondered if he was gay. Yet he masturbated behind my back. When I found out I felt betrayed, lied to, very angry, just like you d now. We would only have sex once a month or so, I thought he had absolutely no sex drive, yet he masturbated to porn as soon as I was out the door. I thought he didn't care about our sex life, that he didn't find me attractive, that it would never change.

We tried to improve things for a year, he stopped with porn (after me asking him to do so, to see if it will make him want sex more) and I thought for several months that neither of us masturbated, to help improve our sex life. Until a few months ago when he told me he masturbated and he thought I knew (because "it's normal"). I was disappointed once again, as I had been frequently suggesting (and in a very nice way for that matter) that sex is still not frequent enough and it's more or less repetitive (not in those words, of course). I felt let down, I didn't know what to think, I thought our sex life mattered more than just a release a couple of times a week.

But I put that aside, because I thought that the relationship mattered more than whether either or both partners masturbate. I talked a lot with him, I wrote him letters, I tried to make him open up about sex. I tried to make him understand how I felt, what I wanted, that I also wanted him to be happy. He has low self confidence, he's been avoiding sex out of fear, some times out of laziness, but this is slowly changing now because we have talked a lot about what we both expect and feel.

I'm not saying it's a similar situation to yours, but I'm only trying to say that I understand how hurt you're feeling right now, and it has been many years for you, many more than it has been for me, but it is worth trying to find the right approach. If you equally love each other and want to stay married, you HAVE to find this approach and follow it. You have to understand the reasons behind the actions before you can judge them. You have to put the pain aside and work on the relationship as if it's day one. It is easier said than done, but it is worth the effort.

[JoliAvocat]

How about turning the tables here. I have a husband that hasn't wanted sex with me for 35 years. We've been married for 40 years on May 2. He tried to convince me that people don't have sex over 35. I have cried myself to sleep for decades and tried to talk about this with him several times. If I try to discuss it he will do it once and then go another 2 years before I convince him that sex is healthy in marriage and that I am so lonely. I am an unwanted wife that is profoundly sad. We don't kiss, hug or anything. I get a sisterly pat on my arm before bed. Masturbation gets old very fast. Eventually, I would have liked a man to hold me and be close with me. NO dice. I have wasted my entire adult sex life waiting for a miracle. We are in marriage counseling as of today. He said he wants me to be his friend. I want a husband. It's always a new excuse but perhaps if our relationship is better it might occur to him he's a husband and should have some intimacy with me. I am so broken over this. I think it's fueled and intense breakdown in our long marriage.

There is no greater pain than sexual rejection. It hurts and there isn't much one can do about it. Talking? We've talked and talked for hours years and decades. There is no sex drive here. Doctor's say he's normal. They don't care. The incredibly personal pain and the hopeless feeling is off the charts. I even got a brazilian wax - and nice to see but no on sex. I cried.

Sex is an extremely important part of any relationship. When you are intimate, any other difficulties in the relationship are dealt with in a much softer way. You remember being close to the person and wanting the best for them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

A friend, who lives with you, talks to you so you don't get lonely, cleans up after you, washes your clothes, cooks your meals, and occasionally, pats your arm...

35 Years, wow, I have no idea how you have done that..

I lived in a loveless marriage for 7 and I walked... He wouldn't do councelling and sex was "sex", well intimacy is intimacy so I'm with you on that one.

I so hope things work out for you but 35 years is a long time for someone to understand, change, & view things differently...

I hope that if it doesn't work, that you realise you've done all you can and you can have friends anywhere and find that, that you crave and deserve in life.

CW

[JoliAvocat]

She's using sex as a weapon. You can have it IF you DO this. Sex cannot be negotiated. Good sex just is. Your wife is like my husband. No real sex in 35 years and we too are in counseling. He wants me to be his friend. I want him to be my husband. I don't have sex with friends. Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

WT?

That's abuse... Taking advantage, knowingly....

[stressed]

Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

Can you give us a couple of examples of what he asks you to do to have sex? Are they things even a friend could do instead? Yes, this is abuse.
People have sex at any age, no matter how long they have been together. If he wants a roommate then he should get a roommate, not try to turn his wife into a roommate, that's a nasty trap he set there.