[caterpillar79]

I'm so sorry for what you all are going through. I had been in this situation before in a past relationship and I don't want to experience it over again. It is sick and made its toll in my own well-being, body and soul.

Be upfront and give your hubbies a kick on the behind. Put your foot down and make them realize your worth. How? Take care of yourself more. I am not saying there is a one-size fits all solution. But sometimes, after all the communication and working with you efforts that you've done to help better the marriage and it never worked because of the other party's non-cooperation, non-compliance, maybe it's time to think whether he still wants in or maybe he wants out.

As tough as it is, you have to go on self preservation mode. Love yourself more. WHat happens if you all use up your emotional reserves? Oh, dear. These men...

If a man would cheat, he will. No amount of 'policing' a wife can do. If he's done it and apologizes, promised he won't do it again and doesn't repeat it at all - he's really sorry. If he only does you a lip service, go with his actions - if he does what he says, he still loves you and wants to work with you; if not, you have to decide whether you will be a martyr (I don't advise that), or pack up and move on (you don't have to divorce yet) - you can just move away and find some balance for yourself. He could use the time to either go full blown or make up his mind once he realizes he still loves you and wants to grow old with you.

[lori bug]

Cat, those are wise words. I read your post late last night when I wasn't able to sleep. Lots of those nights! And it really touched me.

I think I'll just give it one more shot. I cannot live with the terrible thoughts running in my head and the panic I feel a lot of the time. It doesn't help that my husband quit his regular job in February and is running the store now full time. The store doesn't open until noon, and so he has a lot of time on his hands, and that's never a good thing. But I have decided to do just what you said, work on myself and my self-esteem. It's low right now, but it's been there before. I have pretty much decided to just let it go and move forward. He swears he's never cheated on me, but I know he means the physical part of cheating. We all know there is so much more to it than that.

But believe me, from now on I will be in alert mode, and every time he tells me something that doesn't sound right, I will make sure we talk about it. I've found over the years that you can never control what other people do. They will do what they are going to do, regardless of what you think.

Yesterday, I was obsessively checking our cell phone carrier site every 15 minutes to see if any new calls were on his phone or any new texting. And I am going to keep checking it every few days. There are so many ways to contact people though, and he probably won't make the same mistake twice by texting unknown people. So, my mood today is "tenative". haha

I've also suggested counseling, and he seems open to it. The trick is finding a good therapist. I may work on that today.

It's just so weird that I thought our relationship was great. Then, to find out that he didn't feel the same. It hurts so badly. And is hard to get over. I suppose that takes time.

[lacysmom]

Sadly, I am in the same boat as alot of you ladies, and looking for updates

I stumbled across this forum via this thread; I am shocked (although I guess I shouldn't be) at how pervasive this problem is - I don't believe that technology (facebook and texting) is the problem, rather it is the people that use these things with poor judgment.

I recently discovered my bf of four years was exchanging flirtatious texts with female friends and co-workers, and even went so far as to go out with one co-worker for drinks. After I saw his facebook page, he swore up and down that nothing happened and he loved me too much to actually physically cheat. We had a pretty bad blow up and he eventually changed his facebook password; he did come crawling back, but the facebook account is still active. His phone has been clean of texts, and I can check the facebook account through it, and that is also clean. But that may only mean he is deleting messages, etc.

Admittedly, the flirting took place when we were in a rough patch, but we were never officially broken up, and he was still trying to get me to accept an engagement ring. I am confused, my self esteem is bruised, and of course I am hurt. I am 39 and this is the first time I know I have been "cheated" on and don't quite know how to deal with it. I am not sure I can completely trust him again. Worse, this is also the first time I have ever snooped on a bf. I don't like the feeling, and I don't condone my own behavior. However, I would rather know the truth than be foolishly unaware.

I should mention that during our relationship, we have had numerous disagreements about his female friends. He has a group of friends that went to school together, and still live in the same general area. They hang out occasionally, but I hate the fact that the female ones, when they don't have a current boyfriend, call him for favors, odd jobs, money loans, etc. The females in the group have no compunction about calling on a Saturday night, or disrespecting me in a passive aggressive way, and feel as if they are entitled to interrupt as they "own" him, based on their shared history. My bf has a problematic ex and two children, so he cannot afford any additional baggage (I have no children, and have never been married). He seems unable to cut these ties, and this is one of the reasons we are not yet engaged. I always attributed this to him being a pushover, and being unable to establish appropriate boundaries, but now, with the facebooking, etc, I am wondering if he simply likes the female attention and the flirting.

As this is an older thread, I was wondering if any of the previous posters could provide updates; can you teach an old dog new tricks?? Or is he just a cheater waiting for an opportunity?

[xxdanniixx]

Too right!! if i found out my man was txting or messaging someone for 5months i would be furious at him i would feel so hurt even if there was nothing in it i dont care you can have friends female male and not keep them a secrect so why would he feel the need to of kept this a secrect if there's nothing in it?? how would he feel if the boot was on the other foot hmmmm?? if it was me i'd get the number an find out myself!

[TroubledMan]

A few of you know my story, but I will summarize it again. My wife and I have been together for around 7.5 years, married for 8 months now. About 5 of these years have been very hard in the intimacy area. Sex is very rare, and it just feels like sex when it does happen, there isn't much love making going on. Whether it be work, financial, biological stress, I really don't know. What I do know is that no matter what I try, nothing changes.
About 10 months ago, my wife saw a few sexual texts in my phone between me and a female co-worker. She confronted me about them, and I tried a lot of the same excuses your husbands/bf's have used. I said they were just for fun, and there was no meaning behind them, which was true for me. I know she didn't see it that way though, and that is completely understandable. I felt at that time that I had exhausted every option with my wife, and I was beginning to look at other women again. This co-worker is engaged however, so it was doubly wrong to engage in this cellphone fling.
I lacked an understanding of why my wife was ignoring me in the bedroom, and wouldn't let me be romantic around her. And by my own admission, rather than spend the time talking it out, I buried my rejection inside, and I think manifested itself in a type of revenge with the dirty texts. I had tried texting naughty things to my wife, but she doesn't like playing those games. I'm a very passionate person, and I can't get satisfaction from my wife, nor have I been able to for many years.
We had an argument about this issue last night. Recently my wife had found an old semi nude picture of that co-worker in my computers cache. It was sent to me by my request maybe 4-5 months ago when things were exceptionally bad, and I had buried my feelings again. I had promised my wife that everything had stopped, and the texting had. This was the only picture she ever sent me, but nothing I can say will make my wife believe me.
I wanted to get some opinions from other women here who have been hurt by this same thing. And also maybe point out why we men might be seeking this attention. No, I am NOT blaming the wives and gf's for us men seeking attention elsewhere, I am just asking you to consider what might have changed in your relationships. Over 6 years went by before I started seeking attention elsewhere, 4 of those have been unsatisfying for me sexually. Is it fair for her to be blaming this sexual dysfunction between us on an issue that only happened recently? Because that is what her side of it was last night.

[WildChild]

Troubled Man, I think your post and Cat's, a few posts above, combine to make a good point, we have to love, accept and have confidence in ourselves before we can be truly loving and accepting of another. When we lack self love (this is not a narssistic love but a healthy sense of self and of deserving love) we can't give what we don't have and look to others to supply it. Most of us have some challenges in that area. Why would you marry someone who is so disconnected, just not even remotely on the same page and unwilling to pleasure you or experience pleasure from you? Why do women and men stay with cheating partners, opting to engange in monitoring and checking up on them constantly, fighting, recriminations, and all that goes with it (been there, done that)? It all comes down to not truly believing in our selves, that we are worthy of more.

I'm as guilty of this as anyone here but am consciously working on being aware and making changes in myself and my responses. You can't change anyone else. You can talk to them and let them know what you are thinking, what you want and what you are willing to do and accept but you cannot make them accept it or change - they have to do that. You can provide loving support, understanding and care but that has to happen knowing that you do so without expectation.

[TroubledMan]

Troubled Man, I think your post and Cat's, a few posts above, combine to make a good point, we have to love, accept and have confidence in ourselves before we can be truly loving and accepting of another. When we lack self love (this is not a narssistic love but a healthy sense of self and of deserving love) we can't give what we don't have and look to others to supply it. Most of us have some challenges in that area. Why would you marry someone who is so disconnected, just not even remotely on the same page and unwilling to pleasure you or experience pleasure from you? Why do women and men stay with cheating partners, opting to engange in monitoring and checking up on them constantly, fighting, recriminations, and all that goes with it (been there, done that)? It all comes down to not truly believing in our selves, that we are worthy of more.

I'm as guilty of this as anyone here but am consciously working on being aware and making changes in myself and my responses. You can't change anyone else. You can talk to them and let them know what you are thinking, what you want and what you are willing to do and accept but you cannot make them accept it or change - they have to do that. You can provide loving support, understanding and care but that has to happen knowing that you do so without expectation.

I married her because we work in every other way, and I know that eventually the looks, the sex, all the young fun stuff will fade. I just want to enjoy it while I'm still able to, and have the ability to please her. I think she paints herself as the only victim in this situation, and doesn't realize that I hurt too, and that we both need to change together. I don't know how to get her to express herself to me. She thinks no matter what she says to me that I will say shes wrong and that's that. What she refuses to admit is that sometimes she is wrong, and me trying to correct her is not doing so out of anger or distaste, but love and caring. I think I go about it the wrong way though. Maybe I do come off as angry or annoyed. In any case, I am going to make a massive effort to watch how I communicate with her and catch myself before I fall into old habits.

[so..sick..of..it]

i think its cheating

if its just "a friend thing" why would he keep it a secret from you, plezz he definetly has some plans, or at least she does. just ask him how would he feels if you do the same thing with a guy and keep it a secret??

[so..sick..of..it]

I stumbled across this forum via this thread; I am shocked (although I guess I shouldn't be) at how pervasive this problem is - I don't believe that technology (facebook and texting) is the problem, rather it is the people that use these things with poor judgment.

I recently discovered my bf of four years was exchanging flirtatious texts with female friends and co-workers, and even went so far as to go out with one co-worker for drinks. After I saw his facebook page, he swore up and down that nothing happened and he loved me too much to actually physically cheat. We had a pretty bad blow up and he eventually changed his facebook password; he did come crawling back, but the facebook account is still active. His phone has been clean of texts, and I can check the facebook account through it, and that is also clean. But that may only mean he is deleting messages, etc.

Admittedly, the flirting took place when we were in a rough patch, but we were never officially broken up, and he was still trying to get me to accept an engagement ring. I am confused, my self esteem is bruised, and of course I am hurt. I am 39 and this is the first time I know I have been "cheated" on and don't quite know how to deal with it. I am not sure I can completely trust him again. Worse, this is also the first time I have ever snooped on a bf. I don't like the feeling, and I don't condone my own behavior. However, I would rather know the truth than be foolishly unaware.

I should mention that during our relationship, we have had numerous disagreements about his female friends. He has a group of friends that went to school together, and still live in the same general area. They hang out occasionally, but I hate the fact that the female ones, when they don't have a current boyfriend, call him for favors, odd jobs, money loans, etc. The females in the group have no compunction about calling on a Saturday night, or disrespecting me in a passive aggressive way, and feel as if they are entitled to interrupt as they "own" him, based on their shared history. My bf has a problematic ex and two children, so he cannot afford any additional baggage (I have no children, and have never been married). He seems unable to cut these ties, and this is one of the reasons we are not yet engaged. I always attributed this to him being a pushover, and being unable to establish appropriate boundaries, but now, with the facebooking, etc, I am wondering if he simply likes the female attention and the flirting.

As this is an older thread, I was wondering if any of the previous posters could provide updates; can you teach an old dog new tricks?? Or is he just a cheater waiting for an opportunity?

Hi! i dont pretend to tell you what to do but.. i went through a similar situation with my last boyfriend, we were together for 5 years, and i thought i knew all of his friends but apparently not, he was having a relationship with of a 1 and half with a girl that one of our mutual friends introduce him to, all of his friends knew about it and nobody bother to tell me. Now i dont how he found time to do this since everyday after work he would come to his house and i slept over all the time. after i found out looking on his phone a number that repeat itself so many time even more than mine # and he had save as a male friend, i decide it to call the number and she answer it, i hung up and later call asking for another girls name (when she said i had the wrong number i asked her name and she told me) now i had her name and # to confront him, he denied it, he even sworn to GOD.

But i didnt believe, so i called her again and ask her if she new him and she said (yeah hes my boyfriend) long story short she didnt know about me and told me how long they been together and how they met. A few weeks later i try to let all this behind cuz i just felt that we were together for so long and he really seem sorry, so i gave it a try a month after that he propose and said that he couldnt live his life without me blah blah.. i broke up with him a few months after that cuz i just couldnt forget the fat that he treated me like i was stupid retard person and didnt care about all the love and time that i dedicated to him.

Bottom lined? dont waste youre time, you catn teach old dogs new tricks, or at least its not worth try, besides the trust its completly broken trust you are always going to be wondering. Im sure youll find someone that has female friends but it will give you the place you deserve.

[bella321]

I found out two days ago that my husband had been text messaging and calling a woman he met on a business trip. This has been going on for about 5 months. He swears nothing else happened--that it was just flirting. I feel like I am dying right now. We've had a great marriage and I don't know why he would do something like this.

I am going thru the same thing. My husband had to move out of state for a few months to work and he ended up in a text message relationship with a woman that he met at a 12 step support group meeting. We had been having some problems but I had actually just gotten home from visiting him for a week when he started this nonsense. I was checking our cell phone bill and noticed texts and phone calls to the same number at all hours of the night and day. I was confused and decided to call the number. Imagine my shock when a woman answered the phone! I told her that she has been carrying on a "text affair" with a married man. She blamed it all on him and hung up on me. I then called my husband, who came up with a lame excuse about being lonely. My husband claimed that the woman asked for his number and he was crying on her shoulder about being lonlely. I shut his phone off but he somehow figured out how to turn it back on. He stopped communicating with that woman right away but I later found out that she is twenty years younger than him and was formerly employed as an "exotic dancer" and sex phone worker! The thought of him texting her sexy messages in the middle of the night ( while I was oblivious 1200 miles away) makes me sick. I am still heartsick over this and cant manage to trust him. Every time his phone receives a text, I want to sneak and check to see what it says. I love my husband but am having a very hard time forgiving him.