[Magnetism]

Hi jns,

Thank you very much for the response. My last boyfriend did tell me I was beautiful, smart and strong for enduring what I did, but we had problems where he urged me to cut ties with my family and never talk to them again. In the end, I think he was frustrated that I was swarmed with flashbacks and nightmares on a regular basis. After living a life like that for 25 years, I don't think it's easy to wave a magic wand and say "get over it." I've only been on my own for 3 and a half years, which is like a child in pre-K. Some may wonder why did I stay so long with my parents until I was 25. It's because I was conditioned to feel like I couldn't survive on my own. I was taught to depend on my step-dad and mom, or bad things would happen to me.


It's just that when I have sex with someone else, I'm going to have to tell them all of this stuff and don't know how they would respond. This is why I don't think I can ever have sex with someone so soon, because I'm not some woman that can take rough sex on the spot. Being with a new person can cause anxiety also. My friend said "You overanalyze everything and can't relax", and I felt like she was judging me. Walk in my shoes and then tell me how it's easy to relax.

The good thing about having sex with women is that you don't have to worry about penetration or some man entering you.

[jns]

Conditioning can be overcome with other conditioning. You have to be an active participant although you don't have to lead in such conditioning. When things start getting sexual, whether it be with a woman or a man, where do you start to tense up? Is it when loving phrases are said? Is it at the first touch? Is it at intimate showing of your body, is it at first sexual touch? Is it at masturbation? Is it at penetration? I would think a psychologist trying to create conditioning would start back a step or two from where things become uncomfortable and have you experience pleasure where you aren't tense and then gradually transition to the next step while keeping your pleasure level high. This should train your brain and body that there is nothing to fear from the nest step. This would be done with anyone who has extreme patience and is willing to start over again and again with an open mind until progress is made. I would say that you would find such patience more likely in an older woman or man, but even of that group, there would be a relatively small percentage that could actually pull it off. Does that make sense even a little bit? Have you tried that approach?

[Magnetism]

As you say that a small percentage of people have patience, now I just feel bad as if I'm undesirable and or that someone would get fed up with me. I can get nervous the minute something is about to enter me, because it reminds me of the feeling that I got with this particular toxic ex. But, there have been many times where I was able to relax and take in penetration with my most recent ex. Having an orgasm BEFORE intercourse definitely helps make penetration feel easier.

Sexually, I do like to perform oral sex and I can get very aroused and satisfied with that alone. Past partners have complimented me and said that I'm one of the best that they've had. I still feel weird not being able to have penetration like other people. It's like I have to prove my sexual worth or value to someone. If I can't please someone sexually, they're going to leave or get it from someone else.

[jns]

Relatively no one is a "complete" package as far as sex goes. The fact of you giving oral would be enough for some guys. Many women do not give oral or only give it a little bit. Do you like to get oral or like to be masturbated (the way you like it, of course)? You did say you can relax and take penetration especially after an orgasm. I take it that you don't really like the penetration, but it is not that bad in that case. Do you ever enjoy penetration?

You just have to find someone who is willing to take time to satisfy you.

[Hugo-B]

Magentism, I've just got home and I'm a little drunk, so this post will remain short and will have to be continued tomorrow.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you experienced and are now grappling with and have to overcome. You mentioned in a previous post that a certain incident you didn't wish to disclose had led you to becoming hyper sexual, I encouraged you to share that with someone and kudos to you for having the courage to share, you were an innocent and vulnerable child, taken advantage of by the most despicable type of predatory man. There's a debate going on about jail being necessary or not, I actually asserted it was necessary for people like this, right now I'm thinking I should retract that statement because it isn't because any son of a ***** of this caliber deserves to be treated by administration of lead in the ear.(a gunshot). They are completely unwanted members of society.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and have done nothing wrong, nothing.

My ex GF confided in me and told me she was raped on her first holiday abroad with her friends when she was 16 (followed back to her room and attacked), not a nice way for a vulnerable young girl to be introduced to sex. It was clear to me that she had issues, her problems were manifest in our relationship - but do you know what? When you love someone there isn't much you wont do for them, is there? (coincidentally, like you she also mentioned feelings of being bi-sexual but never really acted on them). I told her I was sorry to hear that, that I knew it wasn't her fault and the following week I stated paying for her to go to counseling. I can't tell you how other people will react, but any decent man will show support, compassion, and sympathy.

I won't lie to you, overcoming this will not be easy, but you've come this far and I believe you will make it to the finish line, you wouldn't have come back here otherwise, I know you don't want this to beat you.

You say (one of the reasons) you're angry because you cannot climax through penetrative sex. I'll tell you one thing that's as sure as the earth turning and the tide changing: The most critical sexual organ in your body is your head. The great thing about it is it belongs to you, it's your own, your very own intellectual real estate, you control when leases end and who gets evicted and who gets freehold. What stays and what goes. Well guess what? Your a-hole of a step dad is up for eviction: Aztec scapegoat style, as in banished into the wilderness forever, never to bring his sorry, predatory *** back.

Have you ever heard the expression 'where the mind goes the body follows'? This is why once mental illness afflicts people their body often deteriorates rapidly not long after: the body has followed the mind.

As JNS said, conditioning can be overcome with new conditioning. Your mind has been conditioned to feel one thing - the toxic venom your evil stepfather poisoned and contaminated you with - and your body has followed. The great news is, as JNS says, and I agree, you can re condition yourself to overcome this and forge a stronger, more resilient you who enjoys guilt free living and sex, amongst other things.

I've read a couple of books about counseling sexual abuse victims, I started to read them so I could try and help my ex. The first thing they tell you to do is write a letter to the person responsible/culpable, and remember that person is NOT YOU.

I once went on a date (I thought it would be a 'first' date, turned out to be an only date, she didn't want to see me again) with a very interesting young women whom I obviously didn't impress, who had a masters degree in counseling and psychology. I bought her a lovely dinner and she told me about her work (which I was most interested in). She had worked with a vast array of women spanning the entire gamut. This alone made her deserving of an expensive meal on my coin. I'm about to pass out so I won't ramble any further... The upshot was that when I asked the big question... 'what can you do for them though?', she was adamant when she replied, 'oh no, it's all reparable Buddha, that's why I do it, to help people'.

She was a lot brighter than me, (probably why she didn't want to see me again), so Magnetism, be neither afraid nor embarrassed to seek professional help, you owe it to yourself, and I hope it helps you to make yours exponentially better. You're free to change your life anytime you choose, don't be afraid or ashamed to start changing yours today.

[Magnetism]

Relatively no one is a "complete" package as far as sex goes. The fact of you giving oral would be enough for some guys. Many women do not give oral or only give it a little bit. Do you like to get oral or like to be masturbated (the way you like it, of course)? You did say you can relax and take penetration especially after an orgasm. I take it that you don't really like the penetration, but it is not that bad in that case. Do you ever enjoy penetration?

You just have to find someone who is willing to take time to satisfy you.

Penetration can feel "interesting" at most. I know what g-spot stimulation feels like, but it's definitely not as good as clitoral stimulation or even breast stimulation. I've read somewhere that some women like the urination feeling of penetration, while others don't.

Yes, I do like to get oral and be masturbated. I can orgasm very quick through masturbation.

Buddhaboy-The wrong therapist can make things worse, such as cancelling repeatedly or saying "off-color" things. I had a therapist that said "I have little patience for people these days." Things like that can reveal a lot about a person. It takes time to find the right fit. I will tell you that I've gotten the best advice from other incest survivors, who were not therapists. I'm not degrading the counseling profession, but being a counselor doesn't mean you have all the answers. Some counselors work well with addiction or ADHD, but don't know how to handle incest and chronic PTSD.

[jns]

Magnetism, as far as sexually, there are many guys who would love to have a girlfriend with your likes. Someone who has erectile dysfunction but still has a strong libido could be a good fit as long as such a person had learned how to please a girl with foreplay. Other guys not interested in penetration could also be a good fit. Many women would be good fits too, as long as they did not insist on penetrating you.

[Magnetism]

Nobody seemed to answer my question about men going elsewhere if there's sexual dissatisfaction or not enough sex. I would at least expect someone to tell me that they would want more sex, so I could figure out the reason why there's a lack.

I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but that's what I've been conditioned to believe.

[jns]

When there is dissatisfaction with the specific type of sex or the amount of sex, some men go elsewhere, some do not. Some get divorced or split up, some do not. Some spouses/SOs are OK with their men getting sex elsewhere, some are not. Some men tell their spouses/SOs that they cannot go on without sex in the relationship and their spouses/SOs do not care. All of theses observations work with the roles reversed. Since there is no set answer, you would have to look at a specific individual to see what that person would do. As you have said, good communications is the key to finding out about a relationship while in it.

[Magnetism]

When discussing this with my most recent ex, he said "I'm not some animal. I don't care about getting it everyday." He also said it's "gay" (lame) when he's in the mood and I'm not, because I did suggest that we can still have sex even if I don't feel like it. After all, that's what I was trained to do for most of my life. But, he said he would feel guilty and weird having sex with someone that's not into it at the moment. I should be able to trust his words then and there, but a part of me felt insecure. I don't think someone would be honest enough to say "Yes, I'm going to get sex from somewhere else."

Most happy couples I know discuss monogamy and infidelity is a deal breaker with each other.