[rcoreyus]

Sadly, often the same people who don't want sex would be horribly hurt if their partners got sex elsewhere. This leaves the standard options:

1. Leave - probably hurting your partner very badly.

2. Cheat - which works until the partner finds out, then hurts them very badly.

3. Stay and live like a monk - with hurts you, and probably hurts your partner because it will be impossible to be really loving and affectionate in this situation.

If you love your partner, none of these are appealing options.

[Lady Syrinx]

Whoa! Be nice.

Sex is a big deal in a marriage, especially if you're not getting it over long periods of time. It can drive a person crazy. Some might consider denying your mate intimacy a form of unfaithfulness. I do.

Also, I didn't get the feeling that he was bragging. Someone asked him a question about cheating and he answered.

BINGO, people tend to see general intimacy and sexual intimacy as two separate issues in marriage. They are actually inextricably linked. I've responded to so many similar threads recently that I refuse to bore people with my story. Suffices to say my marriage nearly collapsed due t0 lack of sexual intimacy on my part.

[Lady Syrinx]

Jon, your concern seems to be intimacy, rather than sex. You mentioned things like the fact that your wife is far more likely to cuddle the dog than you, ,etc. You may be unintentionally sabotaging yourself by approaching the topic as a sex issue, rather than an intimacy issue. If it was simply about sex you would most likely be able to justify cheating or leaving.

I have an unusal point of view because I lived it from your wife`s side but I`m also currently seeing it from the other side through your posts and a friend who is going through the same thing. Thank you for allowing me to see the turmoil I caused my husband. I just wish your wife`s issues were as easy to solve as mine.

[DreamP346]

Jen, totally agreed. Although I can say cheating happens and it's not always black and white about whose at fault, it's never right. I have been a cheater when I was younger and now I am the sex deprived partner. But time has made me wiser. My choices are to suffer my current situation or negotiate an open marriage. If my spouse is not willing to give sex nor give permission for an open marriage, then I have the right to look for it else where. However, I need to have the decency as an adult and also in respect and love for my spouse to let them know what I will be doing.

Relationships are about negotiations and communication. If I can't do that, then the sexual failure is just as much my fault and if I seek sex elsewhere, then I am the despicable cheater. That is very different from trying everything to fix the sexual relationship, asking for an open relationship, not getting permission for it but not getting sex either, then telling your spouse you are going to get it else where and doing so. To me, that is not cheating, that is an open marriage.

[rcoreyus]

Lady Syrinx - if you were once the partner with low desire, could you say what caused you to change, and what someone on the other side might do or say to improve things? You may have discussed this before, but I lose track of who has posted what.

My situation improved dramatically a while back, but I've never understood why and my wife can't seem to tell me.

[jen1447]

That is very different from trying everything to fix the sexual relationship, asking for an open relationship, not getting permission for it but not getting sex either, then telling your spouse you are going to get it else where and doing so. To me, that is not cheating, that is an open marriage.

I guess that would be sort of forced open on your end lol, but yeah as long as you told him what you were doing it would still qualify I imagine. I guess the more traditional open marriage would be where you both agree to have other sex partners, or both consent to one doing so (kind of like me, tho I'm not married).

[lizzardb63]

Yes, I am prepared to leave and have been perfectly clear in communicating to her that I want us to move forward together, but am prepared to move forward alone if that is what it takes to be happy.

If I knew my husband was going to leave me or cheat because I wasn't in the mood, I'd have a hard time ever getting back to wanting to sleep with him again. Trust is broken at that point, because if you ever have to question it, that's squishing any intimacy there ever was.

This is just my personal opinion on it though and she may not feel that same way, but if my husband said "If you don't start having more sex with me then I will leave you or cheat" then I would say "see ya later" because that just sounds like a control thing. I understand you want to be happy, but it comes down to have sex or I leave? I don't blame her.

[Stillness]

The thought crossed my mind during the darker periods of my marriage, but it ultimately would be impossible for me to maintain an "open marriage". I've always been a one woman man, even before being a Christian. It's not in my nature to juggle multiple romantic/sexual relationships. My friends who did it always puzzled me. I honestly don't think anyone can do it successfully - at least not while giving your undivided devotion to your spouse. You basically trade sex for the intimacy that comes from monogamy.

I don't want just sex. I want fulfilling sex and intimacy with my wife. That means that what I want can't come from outside.

Thankfully things have been improving for us after a decade and a half of struggling with sex in one way or another. I'm somewhat content these days. It's still not perfect, but I don't think anything is. I really think that patience and communication will work for most people that aren't connecting sexually. It's just a question of dedication.

[lizzardb63]

BTW- I have a much lower libido than my husband and I know he struggles sometimes when I say no too often. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have depression (being treated with medication so it's managed) but self image has a lot to do with it. If i feel fat, I don't want to be touched, or if I am having a depressed day I just want to be held and not fondled. There can be a lot of different factors for her not wanting to get intimate, but threatening her isn't going to work.

How old is she? Hormones play a big part in it too.

[DreamP346]

If I knew my husband was going to leave me or cheat because I wasn't in the mood, I'd have a hard time ever getting back to wanting to sleep with him again. Trust is broken at that point, because if you ever have to question it, that's squishing any intimacy there ever was.

For a person not getting sex, this is exactly what they feel. Trust is broken. Remember, it is usually something that has been going on for a long time, often years. And the hardest aspect is that somebody who loves you isn't willing to compromise. The person with the lower sex drive controls if and when sex happens. Some partners try to compromise. That is when couples are working things out. But many do not (like for me and many other couples). Image all the feelings you may have if your partner said, I'm going to get sex elsewhere if things don't change. Now image having those feelings for years. Image feelings of rejections, lack of intimacy, self-loathing, sexual frustration, resentment happening over and over and over and over again and the cause is the one person you love the most. The one person who is supposed to be concerned about your happiness, who is supposed to be your life partner, the love of your life, is not willing to make even the slightest bit of change to make you happy. Image feeling that desperation and unhappiness for years and knowing that it will never change.

The situation we are talking about it not 2 people fighting over sex once a week versus five times a week. It's about one partner saying I am very unhappy, can we change things and the other partner basically doing nothing, not caring to change and by their actions, showing that they don't care.