[madetolove]

WC, I try not to think "everyone" out there but me has a relatively good sex life, cause then I get jealous of them, lol. Goodtolove, I am in the same boat, so to speak, but I am the woman who gets the brush off from her bf. I am to the point where I really don't even try anymore, but I commend you for trying. Have you sat down and talked to her about how you feel? Ask her how she feels? I am the last person to give advise, but I think you should ask her how she feels and work on it from there. There may be something in her past or something that has made her the way she is now, that you can deal with and help her through. Just a suggestion.

Hello mymirrose, thanks for posting your advice/suggestion, I deeply appreciate.

I apologize of not replying your post together with my first previous post as I was typing my previous post and overlooked yours.

Well, as we are not planning to have any children at the moment, some reasons she told me was she wouldn't want to get pregnant.

As the business project I'm working on might takes some time to come into fruitition, and thereafter, we could enjoy more travel first. That was one of our plan.

The other reason was she seems to be not confident with her body, but I told her that her body was beautiful.

I love to sleep nakedly with her as I would feel very close to her, but she doesn't like that idea as she would say that she is cold or uncomfortable.

When she is not shy and "open" to me, I felt very good and close with her.

*Sigh* no idea what's wrong.

I wouldn't dare to bring out this issue much with her as she may feel or consider that I'm like desperate to have sex or live for sex.

[madetolove]

WC, I try not to think "everyone" out there but me has a relatively good sex life, cause then I get jealous of them, lol. Goodtolove, I am in the same boat, so to speak, but I am the woman who gets the brush off from her bf. I am to the point where I really don't even try anymore, but I commend you for trying. Have you sat down and talked to her about how you feel? Ask her how she feels? I am the last person to give advise, but I think you should ask her how she feels and work on it from there. There may be something in her past or something that has made her the way she is now, that you can deal with and help her through. Just a suggestion.

By the way, Thank you for your commendation of me keep on trying.

But to say, I'm pretty tired of trying and deep in my heart I have some concerns even if we do make love.

My concern is I wouldn't want her to have sex with me purely because she thought I want to.

I would love it only if she enjoys, and loves the unity between husband and wife.

*sigh* much of an indifference seems tormenting.

Well, but other than sex issue... She is a wonderful perfect woman for me.

[mymirrose]

I am all for open communication, but my bf says "all you want is sex" when I bring my wants (more cuddles, more touching etc) so I can understand your fear, but it isn't fair to you to feel this way (or me for that matter), So I had decided to just say how I feel, we have a right to get our needs met (as long as they aren't excessive). If they can tell us what they don't want, then we have a right to say what we do want, don't you think? A relationship is a 2-way street, maybe we need to slow down, but, they need to speed up, if you know what I mean.

[madetolove]

I am all for open communication, but my bf says "all you want is sex" when I bring my wants (more cuddles, more touching etc) so I can understand your fear, but it isn't fair to you to feel this way (or me for that matter), So I had decided to just say how I feel, we have a right to get our needs met (as long as they aren't excessive). If they can tell us what they don't want, then we have a right to say what we do want, don't you think? A relationship is a 2-way street, maybe we need to slow down, but, they need to speed up, if you know what I mean.

Indeed, I agree with you.

It seems to be a joke that we (different gender) get similar reply.

It seems that if we would like to talk about it or would like to have intimacy, we got "repelled" and considered like a "pest".

I initially thought of a solution, which is try not to be or look "desperate" and not to talk about the topic at all. I think it may work but I failed to control myself and start cuddling her and smelling her nice smell.

*sigh... perhaps I'm a little too desperate.

Perhaps it may be like a "retribution" as I used to have a girlfriend (before I know my wife) who is desperate for sex too (that was when I was way younger). As I do not know much about sex then and I did not enjoy much due to she was just screaming out loud like AH!!!!! than enjoying (or sounded enjoying you know what I mean?) + she did not shave her underarm and I'm pretty much disgusted. I tried to work out on the screaming and underarm issue with her, but she's closed to it, and so I told her that we could talk instead of having sex all the while.

Now, with the one I deeply love and married to, it seems that I could not just "talk" but need close intimacy too.

Well, making love with the one you love and enjoy spending time with is amazing! And it would be great if both party could work on it to enjoy making love and explore more making love stuff/adventure. The most important thing is to know that both parties enjoy making love together, and anything that needs to change to be better, both are in all ears to it for change.


You know, I read about women squirting is a comfortable feeling for them and I told my wife before (+ I would enjoy seeing that too), but she rejects the idea too. I would like to finger her, but she seems to dislike too.

I truly hope and pray that things would get better or I change to control my sex drive.

As for your situation, you are a special blessing to your partner (he may not noticed/realized yet). If I were you, perhaps I would just try not to mention about sex or seems interested at all and spend the day out like usual. But this may be tough as I tried and not able to control still. *sigh

[mymirrose]

Madetolove, I tried that also (not mentioning anything) it was a very long "dry spell". I finally said something! As for what you said about "squirting" that takes a high level of comfort with the other person and some cannot even then. I may have missed this, but have you asked what your wife what she would like? Even if it is not sexual? I have actually become an affection junkie, even if we don't have sex, I want the touch on the face/hand etc., just any connection that makes me know I am important to him (I don't get that very often either, unless I ask for it). I am at a loss as to what to do, hopefully more people add to this thread, maybe someone has been here & come up with some ideas.

[WildChild]

Go on Strike!

Personally, I'm on the edge of giving up, I've dealt with this in marriages and relationships with the most recent probably being the most emotionally painful. I've started trying to consciously disconnect from my sexuality. If I get horny, I just ignore it, or try to find something to do. It's sort of, kind of, working. The conclusion I've come to is that there are a couple of causes, one is low male libido, another is a control issue. Since I've dealt with men who initially present themselves as being highly attracted to me but who later pull way back on the sexual availablity (I am by no means rapacious) I think a lot of it has been a control situation and know that there are women who also use sex as a control point too.

In my own case having a number of interests in "male" areas, I know there have been times that sex has been used as a means of putting me down, punishing me in a sense for crossing the lines. It probably had a lot to do with my being raped as a teen. It certainly has been an issue in more than one marriage, my kids father told me I had 'dishonored' him by being able to do things that he saw as 'male' which he couldn't do. I made the mistake of offering to teach him to do an oil change and tune his car. He learned but I paid. I have no interest in competing with men but am not good at playing stupid or incompetent either. There is plenty I don't know how to do, am not strong enough to do or have no interest in but men seem to be most on or off with this. You are either a bit of fluff, competition or someone to be used. I thought I had found a man who the competency and confidence not to be threatened by my messing about with tools and who actually seemed to enjoying both working and playing together but now he's playing sex witholding and control games, so I guess not.

Starting over in my early 50s I don't feel I have time to muck around with a lot of game playing. I was honest and straight forward about what I wanted. Not marriage but I want a complete package; love, freindship, sharing and sex. Initially I got a green light and now have been stuck on yellow for months. It's what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants or nothing. Guess I'm becoming cynical, I hear (or read) men complaining of women who aren't interested in sex, I wonder what they've Really been treating them like? Bet if they got one who was responsive and wanted it, they'd start finding ways to sabotoge her and control her, maybe not consciously. It's happened to me too many times to discount. I heard it this time, how women play games with sex, use it control men, withold it... well if the woman doesn't fit the profile they find a way to force her into it!

So here we are with yet another thread of women who have "too" high a sex drive. NOT. Our sex drives aren't the problem ladies. It's a societal problem with screwed up expectations of how women and men are supposed to act. The party line has been that men are insatiable and women have to be coxed and tricked into it. If the woman actually wants it then she is a ho or has 'too' high a drive and is fair game for user sex. Too many women accept it and actually contribute to it, disconnecting their sexuality from their emotional needs. We've seen on here that it's all been a farce. Men have their sexual and emotional insecurities and while we wears ours fairly openly, theirs seem to be more often hidden under a cloak of sexual and emotional witholding and control, usually worked to make the woman 'wrong' in her needs. Both genders suffer, it's all so stupid and it will take a lot work to overcome. But I'm tired of it and have a family and myself to support so I'm taking my high sex drive, wrestling it into a box (it doesn't want to go) going to tape it up good and put it on the shelf.

Maybe we need to go on strike ladies! You blew it guys! Give yourselves your own blow jobs! Grow your own kitty if you can. If we can't get equal time, can't get any pleasure from you, you're not getting it from us! (I know me, it won't last but I can try!!!)

[mymirrose]

WC, I agree with alot of what you wrote, I put my sex drive in a box for 7 years (it does EVENTUALLY get easier) but when you open the box, it is worse. As for me, I told my bf I am buying a very large vibrator and he can join me if he wants to. That will take care of the "sex" part, but the emotional & affection parts, I have pretty much given up on. If you say "this is what I need to be happy" and your SO doesn't even try, it is very disheartening. Is it a controll thing? I am not sure, Is it physical or psychological? not sure either, but it is nice to get other opinions.

[WildChild]

I know MRose, been there. Had a sexless, affectionless marriage for several years. I was the caretaker and nurse. I had to put my needs for sex, love or any kind of feeling care for or about aside. I tried so hard to keep it going, but finally just couldn't do it anymore.

To turn around and unexpectedly fall head over heels for a man who was so caring, and loving, fun, attentive, -it was amazing! The sex was phenominal. He worked at drawing me close, opening me to him and then like a series of switches being hit; he has a cold - no kissing ever again, I had minor surgery - no more oral sex for me. One thing after another, he shut off. He reminds me of an abused dog. How they are skittish, they come just close enough to get a brief petting and then skitter off to a safer distance still watching to see what you will do? This hurts far worse than just getting dumped though.

Right now I have plenty on my plate to deal with, so I'm letting it ride. But I can't continue this way indefinitely. I can turn it off - it isn't easy or fun. I can turn it on and look out! But I can't do this not really on or off stuff.

[mymirrose]

I think the on/off stuff is the hardest to deal with, I agree. My bf has never been the "I want it everyday, 2 or 3 times" like me, but he at least used to make an effort. I only get the effort when I complain now, and I would rather get mad and do it myself, than complain. But you know how that goes......

[WildChild]

What I've found is that sex isn't enough. Not isolated all by itself. The just pure sex for the heck of it, I'm just horny, stuff is great IF you get some actual loving too. But when there is no kissing, no play, touching and being touched - it hurts. The thing is this guy keeps it barely balanced, there is a good freindship and then just enough caring to keep me from saying forget it, I'm out of this. Sexually he is amazing and I am multi and even damped down on bare min rations, that works - sort of. I can have sex w/o foreplay but it isn't the same quality by any means.

Thing is there simply isn't Anyone one else who interests me even remotely since I met him. He is IT. If I said freinds only, I don't see myself developing an interest elsewhere for a long time, I don't turn it on and off that quickly and he would be a tough act to follow (I'm not a really typical woman). The type of work I do and where I live does not bring me into contact with the quality of man I would have an interest in and any man who tries to convince me, after all this, that there is a reason why I should give him even the time of day is going to have to bust his balls while standing on his head. I'm worth some effort. I've always tried to treat others as I want to be treated and have gotten screwed just about every way possible for it. In my age group everyone comes with a load of baggage. I'm tired of being the one it gets unloaded on.

It's funny, all these guys who complain about women with a lack of sexual interest.... But we women who have a high interest seem to just scare the heck out of most men when it somes down to it.