[mymirrose]

You hit the nail on the head with the last post, WC! If it was just the sex, I wouldn't have a problem, I can take care of that part, but the lack of affection (and why do they start out 1 way then change?) This is really the reason I shut down and quit dating for 7 years, I guess I just needed a reminder. But at 42, it is hard to shut down again.

[WildChild]

I know what you mean, approaching 52 it's tougher. I don't want to became a negative, down on men, older woman. For the most part I enjoy men's company, sometimes more so than women's (that's not just sexual). I really want a stable, committed relationship. I'll never marry again, there is no reason to. If I completely shut down again, I don't know what it would take for me to bring it back up, breaking that mind/body connection, so I don't respond with arousal, is not fun and rewakening it, just to get put down gets more painful everytime. I've been through it a couple of times.

I don't find masterbation very satisfying. It's a physical release only and really leaves me just more emotionally pained. From what I've read some women do find it very pleasurable but for me sexual pleasure is somewhat different than sexual release. I really need and want the full emotional/physical/spiritual connection - it's sex at a completely different level. Once you've had it, nothing else quite does it. When don't know what is missing it's a vague dissatisfaction. When you do know what you are missing, you want it all the more.
Really no sex is better than lousy. This situation isn't quite there but it's boarderline.

[madetolove]

Hello mymirrose and WC,

I understood and agree with what you ladies had shared.

You know, you ladies who love to make love with your loved one kinda makes me envy. You ladies are blessing to your hubby.

How I would wish my wife would be like you ladies, where could enjoy the night making love together and feel the bonding (Physically, emotionally, and Spiritually). (or perhaps a number of intimacy times per day)

I asked my wife what might be her fear of making love and if she enjoys it, and she had told me due to pregnancy. And so, I asked her if one day we had children and at that time we wouldn't want anymore children, would it means we will not have sex for life? She told me she had not thought about it before and have no answer for it.

I'm kinda tired on this issue with her as I wouldn't want to stress it to her too much and where she has sex with me is just due to obligation. I told her I want her to enjoy it instead of just trying to satisfy me.

I don't know how to explain to her that it is not just sex but it is a kind of bonding and pleasure of 2 person who are in love with each other. The touch...looking into each other's eyes....hugging...french kissing...licking..hugging nakedly...etc. It makes me feel so close and 'bonded' with her.

She may be wondering why am I always going for such above mentioned. Well...If I were to just go for sex or physical pleasure, I could have done it with anyone, but that would be without love. I Love her a lot and would want to get close to her and cherish her every moment.

During our Free time or weekend, I would always look forward the time to just focus and enjoy with each other, but it seems like she doesn't has the same interest. She would have watch tv or do other stuff. I felt like when she spend time with me, it seems like an obligation. However, she had assured me that my presence made a difference. I really do not know how to explain to her anymore as I wouldn't want to look so desperate to her.

Now, I think I'm tired and wouldn't want to ask her to spend time together or try on persuading her, instead, I would just go and use computer till she ask me to get close to her. sigh* My heart is actually kinda crying when I have to do this. *sigh*

Madetolove, I tried that also (not mentioning anything) it was a very long "dry spell". I finally said something! As for what you said about "squirting" that takes a high level of comfort with the other person and some cannot even then. I may have missed this, but have you asked what your wife what she would like? Even if it is not sexual? I have actually become an affection junkie, even if we don't have sex, I want the touch on the face/hand etc., just any connection that makes me know I am important to him (I don't get that very often either, unless I ask for it). I am at a loss as to what to do, hopefully more people add to this thread, maybe someone has been here & come up with some ideas.

mymirrose, it seems that life really sometimes seem like a joke and perhaps lessons to learn, but it is kind of tormenting. We are just like the same but different gender. I yearn for those too, but mostly it is me who did it to her. When I hinted to her that I need the touches too, she would be kinda frustrated with me by saying, "would that be always or have I never come close to you before? " *Sigh* By her saying that, I wouldn't want to mention to her much more.



I had asked my wife before on what's her interest...etc, but she has no specific interest or try new things or explore together in making love/squirting...etc. *sigh*



You know, reading about you and WC kinda comforts me a little as it makes me realized there are women who are similiar to me or same Hot passion. the upsetting part is the one I love is not so.

I am kind of speechless and no idea of what to do too.

Well...she knows I have the strong desire, from time to time, upon my request, she would "hand job" me. But truly, I felt she is not enjoying it and it really seems like a "job" to her which is not what I am looking for.


Sometimes, I felt like a fool. Thinking why am I looking like an idiot and seems so desperate to her

*sigh*

I am truly speechless...

Anyway, mymirrose and WC, thanks for sharing. I may not be here on weekend, but I would check back here on weekdays.

You ladies take care and have a nice weekend.

[WildChild]

Madetolove,
Your wife doesn't use any birth control? If pregnancy is a concern there are methods that don't involve all the chemicals of the pills, such as a diaphram. Perhaps the two of you should look into that?

There are a number of books on various subjects of sexual pleasure for couples. Perhaps you could do some research and find some think she might be receptive to looking at ot reading. I'm guessing her background is fairly restrictive regarding sex? If you have strong religious concerns, there are an increasing number of books on sexual pleasure written from a religious perspective about how it is an important part of the marriage bond.

[madetolove]

Madetolove,
Your wife doesn't use any birth control? If pregnancy is a concern there are methods that don't involve all the chemicals of the pills, such as a diaphram. Perhaps the two of you should look into that?

There are a number of books on various subjects of sexual pleasure for couples. Perhaps you could do some research and find some think she might be receptive to looking at ot reading. I'm guessing her background is fairly restrictive regarding sex? If you have strong religious concerns, there are an increasing number of books on sexual pleasure written from a religious perspective about how it is an important part of the marriage bond.

Dear WC, thank you very much for your advice/suggestion.

Well, as for birth control methods, I'm the one using condom (but these past years I had it put on without using it, and so I dropped the idea of even putting it on). I think the condoms would be going to be in the rack till it expires.

As for pills, it would be me to discourage/not allow her to use it as there are chemicals in it and I wouldn't want it to affect her or hard on her to take the pills constantly. Diaphram is a good one, but she is not really open to this (and other birth control methods).


Books or articles on sex/birth controls or how to enhance making love for couple seems like only a one way traffic which is very tough and tiring to maintain. Whenever I did research and wanted to share with her, only a look with "no interest" was on her face or faking to be interested to accommodate me. I had hinted her the importance of it a lot of times, but she could do research in a whole lots of things (shopping products...etc) but not about enhancing or improving intimacy.

I am pretty tired of discussing it with her, as she might have concerns that it is Sex I ever wanted with her (as at times she may feel that I'm treating her like a sex robot than understanding that it is a unity/personal bonding between the two)

I just don't understand. I just wanted to cherish and enjoy her (together with her) and this marriage bond between the 2 of us and to be the closest person in this world. It truly seems like I'm an idiot in my own fantasy island.

Right now I felt like dropping the idea of being so close to her as it is very tiring.

I am really speechless and no idea of what to do?

[madetolove]

You know...Above all, to think about it, I really do deeply love my wife and I know she does loves me deeply too. She is a very good wife.

To think about it, when I married to my wife, it is not because of sex that I'm with her. (however, making love indeed does feels good and has a different kind of deeper personal bonding, and which is like explore another "adventure" together)

I'm still thinking of if I could live my life with her without sex and still stays happy, faithful, and love her?

But truly, to think of it feels tormenting deep down in my heart, but I guess I have to learn to cope with it. *sigh*

[marycate]

Gee madetolove I almost cried when i read your post.
Our family has a friend (39) and he came to see me about 2 months ago and asked me for advice. His story was very close to yours except his wife has never had sex with him and told him she didn't think it important! she has all the kids she wants to another guy. He told me he loved her and would just forget about sex and just "pleasure himself"
As a women who loves sex and the closeness it brings with it I encouraged him not to give up. I told him EXACTLY how I felt, the pleasure, release, closeness etc and from a women's perspective told him how sorry I felt for his wife to be denying herself all this. After all women were given pleasure organs for a reason!
He decided to go on his own to a relationship councilor that his GP recommended and has found in that the support and advice he needed.
He has taken things very slowly but has managed to get his wife to go along as well.
He hasn't told me how things are going and I haven't asked but he did share that he was shocked how well the councilor got to the heart of the problem and how it was the best thing he ever did.
You might want to consider this, good luck.

[madetolove]

Gee madetolove I almost cried when i read your post.
Our family has a friend (39) and he came to see me about 2 months ago and asked me for advice. His story was very close to yours except his wife has never had sex with him and told him she didn't think it important! she has all the kids she wants to another guy. He told me he loved her and would just forget about sex and just "pleasure himself"
As a women who loves sex and the closeness it brings with it I encouraged him not to give up. I told him EXACTLY how I felt, the pleasure, release, closeness etc and from a women's perspective told him how sorry I felt for his wife to be denying herself all this. After all women were given pleasure organs for a reason!
He decided to go on his own to a relationship councilor that his GP recommended and has found in that the support and advice he needed.
He has taken things very slowly but has managed to get his wife to go along as well.
He hasn't told me how things are going and I haven't asked but he did share that he was shocked how well the councilor got to the heart of the problem and how it was the best thing he ever did.
You might want to consider this, good luck.

Hello Dear marycate,

Thank you very much for your advice/suggestion.

Your friend situation seems to be simliar to mine.

Well, I would consider your suggestion of seeking a councilor, however, I guess I may have to wait for a proper time to discuss with her as she may feels that what I'm trying is just to have sex with her. *sigh*

You know, at times when I wanted to discuss/share with her about this area, she might be kinda angry and at times she might just say "sorry". But saying sorry makes me feel worse, as there's nothing to sorry about, and I wouldn't want her to have sex with me just because she feels obligated.


I have thought of never to think about going intimacy with her ever again but just stay as best friend/buddy like husband and wife relationship, but if that comes true and one day her sex drive/yearn for intimacy goes stronger, and then if I do not have the desire anymore, then it would be of no good.

I had told her before that when she has the "feel" then she would hint to me, if not, I'll just not initiate.

*sigh* I felt like a love machine to her. Sometimes when she needs hugs/kisses, I would be so happy and snuggle her, smell her nice smell, kiss her, hold her in my arms...it is wonderful...but it seems that when she had "enough", she would just say "ok" and get back to do her stuff.

Right now, I'm trying to convince myself to accept the fact that her sex drive is not the same as mine as she may not be that physical.

For the Past years, I had tried to endured and keep hoping things would get better...etc. But it seems of no use and I just make a fool of myself.

I appreciate my sex drive level, as if it is to enjoy with the person I love (who enjoys it too), that would be an amazing Blessing!



No matter what, she is my wife, my woman, the one I love.

I have thoughts of perhaps I'm the cause of it. As in the past years, I tried to do business and work on some business plans/projects and are not successful. Right now, I just started to have some results in few projects but are not earning a great income. She had been supportive to me through the years and I deeply appreciate that, but she had hoped that I would not think about doing business but to stay in a job first. Well...to be honest, I see the prospect in the business and the reason of yearning to do business is once when I have a good income (when it blooms), she can stop working and where we could enjoy more honeymoons together. If my mind is just to get a job and stay in a job, she may has to do the same too. I'm not sure if this is the reason, but she had assured me it is not due to me but just that she does not has any interest.

I am really lost and trying to work on either I "take care" of it myself or learn to accept it.

Thanks again by the way for sharing and reading.

[madetolove]

By the way, it seems like a Phenomenon when making love with the person I love (my wife). I remembered the times (years ago), we had 1 good love making time (that she really enjoys it). That was amazing and it's deep in my memory! It truly kinda like a connection which feels so close...so close to her.

And the strange thing is, it lets me think better and gives me more motivation to "fight daily battle" where to earn more income and to takes care of her, provide for her, and love her.

I really love her a lot. She is so special. I have Never love anyone here on earth much deeper and felt much closer than her.

And I truly hope and pray that our relationship/marriage would not go down the drain because of sex issue.

I think what I can do now is just to pray for things to get better and perhaps you could pray for me.

[marycate]

Madetolove, yes I will pray that your marriage doesn't go down the drain, of course its more that just sex, I know what hurt my friend the most was he felt/feels her lack of trust and respect for his feelings and him.
My grandma used to have a recipe for a marriage cake she would give to people as a wedding gift here it is.
Equal parts of
Trust,
respect ( that does not mean you have to agree with everything your partner does but respect they have an opinion and right to express it)
Communication both ways in all things,
fun,
all cakes need flavour/spice and that is sex which is the natural bonding of love.
Mix your cake with hard work ( all relationships need work and effort).
The tin/pan you cook your cake in is what keeps your cake together while cooking. without it its just a mess in your oven and your pan is your beliefs, family and friends. These are the thing you turn to in trouble
It takes a long time to cook a cake so put it in a slow oven for a long time, watch it while cooking to make sure its not burning or cooking to slowly.
If one of these things is missing from your cake you wont taste right and you wont want to eat it and may be thrown away.
I think this is so true ,you may not ever get your wife to a councilor but going on your own may help you to cope with your wife and your feelings, at worst you will waste only a bit of time and money. I went to see a councilor about my daughter without her and in 2 visits things were better. After all your are talking here so not much different. Just a thought, If your wife and read the beautiful things you have said about her here she might understand, I would like to think so anyway.