Seeing his name on your screen is already enough to give you goosebumps. But then you read the text.
“Imagine I’m there. Tell me what to do to you.”
You feel the thrill, the rush, the desire…the total panic, because you suddenly forgot every word in the English language except, “G’ahhhhh.”
Don’t worry, girl. Stick with me, and I’ll guide you through the wild world of sexting.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a first-time sexter, navigating a new relationship, or ultra-cautious with your smartphone. There are countless ways to tell your partner you’d like to be thrown down on the reference desk at your local library.
Or, you know, whatever your thing is. (*cough*)
First, let’s make sure we’re on the same page.
What Is Sexting? A Quick And Dirty Definition
Sexting as an adult is like hooking up as a teenager:
You may not think you’ve technically “done it,” but your BFF insists that your teasing lunch break texts count.
For our purposes, any proverbial over-the-pants action counts.
Which is to say: Sexually suggestive texting equals sexting . . . even if it’s subtle and winky, even if you never once use the phrase “throbbing member.” If you’re trying to get him to imagine you naked, it’s sexting.
Why are we working with such a broad definition of sexting?
Because the whole point of this ancient art form is not to prove yourself as an up-and-coming porn composer, it’s to make a sexual connection. Just like in real life, you do that by being yourself, doing only what’s comfortable, and tapping into what turns you on.
As Sex and Relationship expert Kryss Shane tells us:
“If you’ve never sexted, don’t try to sound like a porn star. No one sounds like a porn star but, well, porn stars!” – Kryss Shane, Sex & Relationship Expert
On that note, let’s get this party started.
Sext Conversation Starters: How to Turn Up The Heat
Whether you’re sexting for the first time ever or you’re testing the waters in a new relationship, it’s a good idea to start small.
Easing into sexting isn’t just good social etiquette; it’s how you feel out your partner’s boundaries before dropping a thorough update on the state of your pussy into his inbox.
Even if he’s not new to the sexting game (and he most likely isn’t), it’s important to be sure he’s game for a little phone-play. Just like IRL sex, digital whoopie is only fun if everybody’s really into it.
It’s also sexier to start simple. Think of these intro texts as foreplay. This is where you do a little exploring.
Your words are now your fingertips, your lips, your teeth. Nibble his earlobes. Kiss his neck. Run your fingers over his spine. See how he responds and go from there.
Flirty Texts To Test The Waters
The perfect flirty text accomplishes two things:
- It gives him an easy opening (pun intended) to run with the sexy talk.
- It makes it easy for him to take the convo in a different direction if he’s not feeling it.
Here are a few ways to nail that target:
Tap Into Sexy Memories
The nice thing about sexy memories is that they happened. They are real, shared experiences, not an out-of-the-blue proposition.
And because the experience was very real, bringing it up is sure to spark an immediate reaction from him. Not to mention, who doesn’t love hearing that their partner is still thinking about naked time with them?
Inspire a little reminiscing with something like:
- “Last night was amazing.”
- “I’m having an okay morning. Sunday morning was better ;)”
- “I’m in such a good mood lately. Must be all the mind-blowing sex.”
- “Don’t forget to pick up your dry cleaning. And don’t forget what we did in the shower last night, because I certainly can’t.”
- “You know what I loved most about Vegas? Everything that happened in our hotel room.”
Give Him A Glimpse Of The Future
Drop a li’l hint that you’re down to clown the next time you see him.
Not only does this fire up his imagination, but it’s also a low-pressure way to establish that you’re on the same page — at least in terms of wanting to smash.
- “Can’t wait to see you again. Sure liked what I saw last time ;)”
- “So impatient to get my hands on you.”
- “Staring into my closet, trying to decide which dress I want you to take off of me on Saturday.”
- “I’m sorry you’re having such a stressful week. Just keep your head down and power through, and I’ll be there with my legs around you in no time.”
- “I have a few ideas for our next date. Unfortunately, none of them can be done in public.”
Let Him Know You’ve Got Him On The Brain
If it’s a new relationship, it will probably be music to his ears to know you can’t get him out of your head.
And if you’ve been doing the deed for years, your sexy texts are likely to bring back that long-forgotten, spine-tingling feeling of discovering a new obsession.
- “You’ve got me so distracted I had to read the same email three times.”
- “I can’t stop thinking about your lips on my skin.”
- “Those hands tho…”
- “I’ve got a lot on my mind, and all of it is you.”
- “My body is at work, but my mind is still at your place.”
Low-Pressure Ways To Inspire Sexy Texts From Him
Okay, now let’s say you’ve taken the temperature of the room with your flirty texts and gotten vaguely encouraging responses like, “Oh yeah?” You may have a willing participant who isn’t sure how to run with this particular thread.
While you never want to be relentless with your sexting, you can make a gentle attempt to draw a shy guy out of his shell. Here are some ways to inspire him with low-pressure encouragement.
Ask An Easy Question
“Tell me what you want to do to me” is an easy way to engage a veteran sexter.
However, someone who isn’t as confident in his literary abilities may benefit from a simpler, less open-ended question.
The goal here is to inspire participation without piling on any pressure to be an erotic savant.
Try something like:
- “What should we do after dinner tomorrow? Gelato? Movie? Come back to my place and get naked?”
- “The black lace bra or the sheer pink one? Asking because I value your input.”
- “What do you think about when you think about last night?”
- “I can’t wait to get you alone. Is it just me?”
- “Do you want me to take my time? Or tear into you the way I’ve been dying to?”
Build His Sexy Talk Confidence
We all know those first few sexts can be nerve-wracking.
What if he sounds dumb? What if he accidentally offends you? What if he misspells “quivering?” What if he panics and uses the word “quivering?”
Assuage these fears with encouragement and direction:
- “It’s so hot when you tell me what you like.”
- “I love seeing my body through your eyes.”
- “Something about the way you say ‘pussy’ drives me wild.”
- “Tell me again how it feels to be inside me. I can’t get enough of that story.”
- “Now I’m not going to be able to get anything done today. That’s on you.”
Keep It Sexy: Don’t Push It
The most crucial element to a successful sexting exchange is taking cues.
As sex expert Kryss Shane recommends:
“If their response is something about picking up the kids after soccer or not forgetting to send a birthday card to your mom, pause on the sexting until you’ve had a chance to chat about it with your partner to learn their feelings about sexting.”
It’s also important to consider the nature of your relationship. Studies suggest that the potential benefits of sexting are less certain in non-committed relationships.
If your connection is new or strictly casual, your best bet is to proceed carefully. Even if you find NSA sexting to be, er, stimulating, your partner might feel differently.
Steamy Sexting Messages To Send To Your Boyfriend Or Husband
Good news for all you digital horndogs!
Couples who have open sexual communication report more sexual satisfaction and more overall satisfaction in their relationships.
So if you’re looking to get closer or spice up a romance that has already seen every sex position Cosmo can recommend, pull up a chair. We’re sexting for love here.
And also for sex.
Heighten Intimacy With Your Naughty Texts
Every couple knows communication is essential.
As Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish tells us:
“Talking is the glue that holds people (and relationships) together. Just imagine how much better sex is with someone you’ve shared your fears, hopes, wishes, and disappointments with. The more vulnerable we allow ourselves to be with someone, the payoff is greater sexual gratification and pleasure.” – Dr. Fran Walfish
To put it in more direct terms: Sexting doesn’t just help you get off, it helps you get close.
Here’s how your texts can help you find the sacred intersection of raunch and romance.
Tell Him What You Like
One overlooked benefit of sexting is that this is your chance to communicate needs and desires.
If you’re especially uncomfortable giving orders in bed, sexting offers a less direct way to clue him in on your preferences.
In my experience, when you give a few gentle orders, he stands at attention . . . so to speak.
Try these to get the party started:
- “I love it when you pull my hair. It feels so primal.”
- “I can’t stop thinking about your mouth on me.”
- “Take your time. Tease me. Make me beg for it.”
- “I miss the urgent way you used to pull me into the bedroom the second you got home.”
- “I can’t remember the last time I wanted you this badly.”
Ask Him What He Wants
As we all know, communication is a two-way street.
Encourage him to spill his own preferences. Some may surprise you, many may not, but hopefully, they’ll all give you some inspiration for tonight.
These will conjure some thought:
- “What’s the first thing I should do to you when I get home?”
- “Imagine I’m there. What am I wearing? What do I say? What do I do?”
- “I run my tongue down the center of your chest, trace my fingers down your treasure trail, unbuckle your belt . . . then what?”
- “Do you want to make love to me in bed or drill me on the kitchen counter? Gentleman’s choice.”
- “Guide my hips. Show me exactly where you want me and how you want me to move.”
Sext What Only You Could Sext
Here’s the big secret to composing a steamy text:
Make it sound like the message is coming from you.
When it comes to sexting, it’s really easy to get in our heads about composing a super hot text.
What’s far more important is that the text feels personal. Send him a message clearly designed specifically for him from the woman he’s hot for.
So: nicknames, personal details, it’s even a good maneuver to slip in some inside jokes, as humor is a proven aphrodisiac.
So if you find yourself typing “I’m so wet” for the thirtieth time (classic, though it is), try switching to something like:
- “I am wearing nothing but your old R.E.M. t-shirt. If you don’t get here soon, your 15-year-old self will never forgive you.”
- “I keep thinking about your ass in those navy boxers this morning.”
- “. . . then I trace my tongue along the dial of your compass tattoo . . .”
- “Tonight: Let’s make what happened in Denver happen again in every room of our house.”
- “[Vag Nickname] won’t stop asking about [Penis Nickname]. He needs to come see her right away. She left the porch light on and the door unlocked.”
The benefits to keeping it personal can be both sexy and profound. As 42-year-old Ann from Cleveland explained when we asked about her best sexing experience:
“They were brilliant words, they were specific to my body, things that I’d said . . . it was specific. That was the closest I’d ever felt to anybody.”
Spice Up Your Routine With Creative Sexting
If this is a long-running love, it may feel like you’ve already pounded every path to sexual discovery. You know his body inside and out, and you’ve taken a shot at even the most impossible sex positions.
However, a few steamy sexts can provide a new way to make a connection . . . especially if it’s been a while since you’ve made bedroom eyes at him outside the bedroom.
Sure, you already swapped Game of Thrones fantasies when the show was still in its first season.
But sharing your secret desires isn’t just about dusting off role-playing daydreams. It’s about tapping into your always-evolving imagination and letting him in to see exactly what’s on your mind right now.
Try these steamy sexting examples:
- “I just took a shower and imagined you were there behind me, your hands sliding over my body…”
- “What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?”
- “I just rewatched True Romance, and now all I can think about is you and me in a phone booth.”
- “Stuck at a boring dinner party, wishing you were here for a secret quickie in the laundry room.”
- “I might be willing to bend the knee for you tonight. This is your girlfriend by the way. I changed my name to Daenerys in your phone.”
Sext When He’s Right In Front Of You
The magic of texting is that we can communicate secretly in a crowded room.
If you’ve been using this stealth technology for basic stuff like “I’m bored, u?” maybe it’s time to heat up those secret communications.
- “Psst. I’m not wearing panties.”
- “Hey, Sexy. Want to come home with me?”
- “Do you think these people can tell I’m horny for you? Can you tell?”
- “Just three more hours until you can get out of those clothes and into me.”
- “You look good in that tie. Kinda makes me want to see how it looks around your wrists.”
Bring It Home, Girl
Sexting is a good time in and of itself, but consider those titillating texts a warm-up act for some real-world hanky-panky.
We asked Daniel, 39, from Los Angeles if he felt there was any downside to sexting. He told us:
“The question of intimacy comes up [because] there is this electronic wall between the two of you…we have to show up and be naked for one another and actually explore things eye to eye.”
In other words, sexting loses its luster if there’s no follow-through.
Especially if your IRL sex life has slowed, those racy messages can be a fun way to express your commitment to getting a little more naked, a little more often.
So let him know you intend to do just that!
- “You are cordially invited to turn me inside out in our bedroom at 7 p.m. Please RSVP by 5 p.m. so I have enough time to plan all the things I want to do to you.”
- “Anyone up for a nooner?”
- “I’ll be there when your flight lands. Expect to bang it out as soon as we get home.”
Sexting With Emojis: When You’re More Picasso Than Shakespeare
If you’re a non-verbal communicator, no problem! Even emojis can be naughty.
On the flip side, if sexting with cartoons sounds like it could never be your thing, stay with me, I hear you, and I’ve been there, but the truth is: emoji sexting is more than just peaches and eggplants.
Emojis are increasingly celebrated for their ability to convey tone and expression that might be missed with words alone. This means you can inject those provocative texts with a clear sense of playfulness, romance, or deviousness.
All you need is to dirty up that mind of yours and discover the hidden sex-gems in your emoji menu.
Here’s a quick run-down:
Mood Setting Emoji
Are you feeling amorous? Shy? Desperately horny? Let these emoji establish the tone.
Body Part Emoji
Quick anatomy lesson, because there’s more than one way to establish that you’re into his man package.
Emojis To Describe Sex
Herein lies the meat of your story. What happened? How did it feel? Did you cum?
Emoji Sext Examples
Now that you have the vocabulary, let’s put it all together.
Tips For Practicing Safe Sext
Hackers. Vengeful exes. Dirty text previews that come in just when you’re showing your grandma pictures from your nephew’s baptism.
The one downside to laying it all bare in texts is that privacy is never an absolute given when it comes to our smartphones.
If you’re the type to sweat more over potential exposure than over his salacious messages, take heart.
While I can’t promise to eliminate risk, there are few clever message styles and some best practices that can at least make sexting feel less precarious.
Make Dirty Texts Look Clean
You never have to engage in sexting if you don’t want to.
But if you have his body on the brain and are dying to tell him, you can always find a way to drop a message only he will understand. Or at least messages that cannot be proven dirty, should they be intercepted.
Speak In Code
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, this step is probably a breeze.
You’ve established so many inside jokes and body part nicknames, you can easily compose texts that will rev his engine while being inconceivable to anyone else.
But even if you don’t have that kind of second language, you can still find ways to wink at him in a text that looks pristine to the rest of us.
- “I’m so glad we tried that new recipe last night. I’ll be thinking about that meal all week.”
- “Those bracelets I ordered just arrived. Can’t wait to show you how they look on me.” (Who says handcuffs don’t count as an accessory?)
- “That was the best barn raising I’ve ever participated in.” (Hint: The barn is in his pants.
You’ve got a stellar bod. But if you want to ensure total control of who sees it and when, your best bet is to keep it out of your photos.
Even so, visual communication can be stimulating in its own way. And with a little creativity, you can raise his blood pressure with pictures that would be massively boring in any other context.
Here are some ways to get around showing the “full monty”:
- Photo of your pants lying on the floor beside your bed. Caption: “Thinking of you.”
- Photo of your made bed. Caption: “Unmake me.”
- Photo of your hands. Caption: “These hands have big plans for you.”
- Photo of your feet in the bathtub. Caption: “Wish you were here.”
Even if it feels like you’re holding back, Ann from Cleveland assures us that sometimes less really is more.
“They were definitely future-focused conversations about us being together. And that made me feel safe enough to be like, ‘Here’s my cleave.’ Or ‘Here’s me pretending to pull off my bra strap.’ And let me tell you, that was legit all it took. A red lace bra strap from Target. No nipple. Maybe a little cleavage . . . if that picture showed up on the internet, I’d be totally cool with it.”
Best Practices For Safe Sexting
Of course, careful sexting isn’t just about what you sext, it’s also about how you sext.
Here are a few quick tips that could keep you out of trouble:
- Triple check the recipient. That means check it, then check it again, then check it one more time
- If you do decide to send a nude body shot, leave your face out of it. Ditto any identifying moles or tattoos
- Consider having a conversation with your partner in which you agree to delete any sexy business immediately upon receipt
- Adjust your phone settings so your lock screen doesn’t show a message preview. That important client you’re meeting for lunch does not need to know how badly who wants to lick what
- Before you send a dirty text, think about where your partner is at this moment. What is he probably doing? Could you be putting him at risk of embarrassment (or worse) if you sexted right now?
- Make sure you know who the device technically belongs to — both yours and your partners. As Kryss Shane warns us, “If your partner has a phone that is paid for by work or is a tax-deduction through work, don’t risk this. Typically, employers have the right to review the phone or its communication at any time, so sending sexts to that phone could cause your love to lose their job.”
- Keep all your naughty conversation confined to a sexting app.
The single most important thing to understand about sexting is that it’s supposed to be enjoyable. You and your fella should be mutually hot, bothered, and delirious. Just as in real life, if it’s all for him, it’s not good sex.
Sure, think about what he likes and which messages are likeliest to . . . let’s say, “pique his interest.” But follow your most natural communication style and stick to a voice that feels sexy, natural, and fun.
Whether you prefer to keep it subtle, speak in emojis, or tell a lengthy, pornographic tale, you’re bound to rock his world. After all, the bottom line is that you — in all your sexy glory — are dying to get down and dirty with him.
No matter how you say it, that message is a guaranteed party-starter.