Raise your hand if you have ever been told that to seduce a man you need to do one or all of the following:
Wear lingerie; role play/pretend to be someone else; be willing to indulge him in any fantasy that he comes up with; or like all the same things he likes?
I’m guessing you raised your hand.
I raised both of mine.
And it’s highly likely that you’ve even tried those techniques at some point and they didn’t give you the results you hoped for.
I know that I have…
Picture this: I was in my early twenties when I boldly ventured into a shady looking lingerie joint (that smelled funny) and bought a black lace outfit that included stockings and those god-awful garters.
Mission: Boyfriend Seduction!
What I did not consider was the difficulty of putting on those garters from hell, in real life.
I could NOT get them fastened to the stockings.
Where is the instruction book with this thing!?!
Needless to say, I had not “practiced” putting them on before “the big reveal”…
Minutes passed as my guy anxiously awaited me in the bedroom and I began shaking, sweating, and was on the verge of tears as I stood there in my now half ripped stockings and dangling garters.
Let me just say, there was nothing seductive about that night.
Confession time: Many years later, I STILL don’t know how to put on garters.
We are told some pretty generic stuff to get men to fall all over us…but, here’s a newsflash ladies:
According to the men and medical experts I spoke with, there is no one-size-fits-all way to turn every man on. Even I was pretty surprised by what I found out.
Seduction does not always mean taking your clothes off! In fact, seduction is more about creating desire than it is about the act of sex itself.
Step 1: Understand The Purpose of Your Seduction
The first and undoubtedly most important step in seduction is to understand WHY you are trying to seduce this person to begin with.
You might wonder why this is so important, but imagine trying to accomplish a goal without knowing your outcome.
Hmm…not so effective, huh?
Have you ever watched a dog chase a car and thought, “wonder what he thinks he’s going to do with the car if he catches it?”
Chances are, the dog didn’t quite think it through.
Don’t be like a dog aimlessly chasing a car!
So, what is your goal?
- Are you trying to lead a hot crush into your web of love like this WHI member describes?
- Are you in a relationship and want to celebrate a special occasion, or spice things up?
- Are you married and feel your sex life has gotten mundane like this WHI member?
- Are you concerned that your partner is cheating or is about to cheat and you think seducing the pants off of him might keep him faithful?
- Has your guy complained that he’s bored in the bedroom and wishes you’d take the lead a bit more?
If you said yes to any of the above, I’ve got you covered!
Is There Trouble in Paradise?
Perhaps your reason for wanting to seduce your guy was one of the “not so great” things I mentioned in Step 1.
For example, are you worried he’s cheating?
If so, let me stop you right here for a moment.
This article is not intended to fix a relationship broken by an unfaithful partner. If your man is cheating, seducing him is, in a sense, rewarding him for it.
If he is being unfaithful, there is likely a deeper reason for it than sex.
Or maybe he isn’t cheating but has expressed to you that he’s unhappy in the relationship?
If your man has told you he is unhappy it is important to know what he is unhappy with. Is it your sex life or is it the relationship in general?
Either way, have an honest discussion with him about what you both can do to make those things better. If he’s that unhappy, I’ll guess you’re not the happiest girl in the world either. So, talk about it and mutually decide the next best steps – even if that involves therapy our counseling.
Step 2: Learn What He Really Wants and Needs
This can be the most difficult step of all. Or at least, it is for me!
Because open and honest communication is just plain hard.
And if we don’t keep it real by communicating our wants, needs, and desires with our partner – or them with us – how could either of us possibly know?
We can’t just say that the same methods will work on every person, can we? That would certainly be easier but would also be a drastic oversimplification of men!
In fact, society has oversimplified the true nature of men and their sexuality for years. It’s time to break that trend, ladies!
So, what do men really want?
Chris, a 40-something male from California shared with me:
“I have to feel needed and wanted – like she looks up to me, respects me, values me and her life is better with me in it.”
Like women, men need to be seduced physically but also mentally and emotionally.
In general, they are not just horny robots you can push a “seduce me” button on! They have their own unique traits, emotions, personalities, fantasies, and most importantly, needs.
Remember my lingerie nightmare?
In hindsight, the lingerie wouldn’t have gotten the result I intended anyway because it didn’t cater to his true need which was that of significance.
What truly seduced him was attention, feeling special and important. In other words, a little ego stroking could have done more good than the lingerie. Silly me!
Talk to your guy. Pay attention to the things he does. Take the time to learn about who he is and what he truly wants.
Here’s a great quote from best-selling author and relationship expert Esther Perel that sums this up nicely:
“So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide:
Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.
Give me comfort, give me edge.
Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
Give me predictability, give me surprise.
And we think it’s a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.” – Esther Perel
Are There Things Most Men Want In A Woman?
So, we know that men are individuals, but are there certain things that most men seem to generally want?
“Confidence is by far the hottest thing a woman can possess. Confident women are high and above what men want the most.
Independence. While men love to play the knight in shining armor, nothing is sexier than a woman who doesn’t need a man. Needy women get old fast and men love nothing more than the thrill of the chase.
Ambition. Knowing what you want and going after it shows men you care about your goals and want to succeed. It’s important not to lose yourself or what you want when you are getting into a relationship.
Showing a man that you know what you want and how you plan to get it will make him putty in your hands.“
Putty in your hands, ladies!
A quick note for all my blushing and crushing sisters: If this is a crush you are trying to seduce you may not have the opportunity to know all those things about him yet.
In that case, the most seductive thing you can do is show him that you are interested in HIM! In Step 3, I will give you some insider tips!
Oh, and before we go too far, please know that I am NOT talking about playing “hard to get” for the sake of it.
Rather, as this article states:
“Being “naturally challenging” is the real, authentic, and infinitely more powerful way to showcase yourself as a high-value woman, without ever having to fake a thing. No playing hard to get. No acting aloof. No treating the men you like as if you don’t like them.”
I encourage you to read the article in its entirety since it squashes many of the tired clichés you’ve heard on how to “seduce” a man.
Instead, it illustrates how to be a “naturally” challenging woman who has her shit together and values herself, which in turn NATURALLY attracts a high-value man.
Step 3: Develop Your Art of Seduction
Now that you know why you want to seduce him and what he truly wants, it’s time to put together your seductive plan of action. Cue the Mission Impossible soundtrack music, please.
How to Seduce Your Crush
So, you’ve been eyeing this hot hunk of man meat from afar and are finally ready to make your move. What should you do to win him over?
Straight from the mouth of a thirty-something-year-old single man I interviewed, here are five insider tips on how to seduce your crush:
1) “Be real. Be honest. Be yourself.”
No pretending to like the things he likes just to get his attention! A man wants to know there is more to you than just what meets the eye. Let him know what motivates you. Share your passions with him.
I also asked several close male friends what they find sexy and seductive in a woman.
You might be surprised to find out it had NOTHING to do with appearance. Instead, they said it was the following:
- Quick wit
- Modesty (but not too modest!)
- Smiles often
- Kind eyes (with frequent eye contact)
So, in a nutshell, BE YOURSELF!
Being cool with being you is super attractive!
2) “An air of desperation is a no-no.”
In other words, if you try TOO hard, you will appear desperate and that is a major turn-off for most men.
Set boundaries based on your values and what you seek in a mate. Don’t abandon everything you want just to win him over.
And girl, ease up on the text messages!
At this stage, he doesn’t need to know what you ate for breakfast that morning or what you’re doing at various points throughout the day.
Remember, there is an attraction in mystery — more so just simply living your day-to-day life and continuing to do things that make you happy.
Fight the urge to let your insecurities make you appear desperate!
3) “Let me know you like me, and do so bravely and even boldly.”
This is a recurring theme among men regardless of relationship status.
It’s a no-brainer. We ALL want to be wanted and it feels pretty dang good when someone we’re into shows us that they are into us too! Compliment him. Invite him out.
My 2 primary love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service — if she talked me up (genuinely! I can smell false praise a mile away…), and did some nice things for me like gave me a massage, cooked me dinner or just took me out and paid for a night out and planned it, that would mean a lot. – Chris from California
In other words, show him you’re interested!
4) “We don’t always need candlelit dinners. Maybe just cuddled up on the couch to watch a scary movie is seduction enough to feel fulfilled.”
In other words, don’t be too “showy”.
Everyone likes to be wined and dined now and then, but don’t stress yourself (emotionally or financially) to show your guy a great time.
Men are often most impressed by authenticity, even if that means a cozy night on the couch.
5) “If you’re clumsy and you know it, don’t apologize for it. It’s adorable.”
This one also relates to being real, honest and just being yourself. Let him see who you are.
Vulnerability is a HUGE turn on!
Click here to discover a few more interesting ways to turn him on without even touching him!
How to Seduce Your Boyfriend
Well, you must already be doing something right if he’s been your man now for a while.
But maybe you want to spice things up for a special occasion or perhaps you just want to knock his socks off in general.
1) Surprise, Tantalize!
Every human has a need for both certainty and uncertainty. Your man may be Mr. Routine on the daily but I’d be willing to wager a bet that he also loves a little spontaneity now and then.
If sexy time normally happens at the same time and place, change things up a bit!
Are you all a “wait until bedtime, missionary sex in the bed” couple?
That’s okay! But surprise him with some morning or lunch break nookie! He will feel surprised and most importantly, desired! He might even think, “Whoah! What has gotten into her?!”
This is perfect for a special occasion when you want to treat him extra special!
2) Show Him That He’s Wanted!
In long-term relationships or marriage, we get to see the best and the worst of our partner. It is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine of life and get complacent.
I mean, let’s face it…farting, bad-breath and coughing up loogies aren’t THE sexiest things in the world. I can’t say I’m super turned on when my guy lets one rip while we’re snuggling on the couch.
But don’t forget that your man is a vulnerable creature just like you!
Show him affection, initiate intimacy, touch him! As my thirty-something male friend said, “Physical intimacy is a two-way street!”
In my mid-twenties I read a book called Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul written by John Eldredge. It gave me a life-changing revelation that I was emasculating the men I was in relationships with.
I purposely withheld the type of affection and admiration they needed because I did not want to expose my vulnerability or seem weak.
Since then, I make it a point to give my man credit where credit is due. And let me tell you, it works!
Sometimes it is as simple as a text message after he has left for work in the mornings that tells him how handsome or sexy he looks.
I’ll bet you my hypothetical future first born that he smiles and feels good inside when he sees a message like that.
Imagining that makes ME smile. Joy is contagious!
So, tell your guy how handsome he is. Tell him how sexy he is. Commend his intelligence. Praise him for various skills he may have. FIND THINGS to compliment him on and sprinkle these things out randomly.
He needs to feel wanted and desired, too!
3) Don’t underestimate the power of a little oral presentation!
I don’t know very many men who would say they receive as much oral sex as they truly want.
How can I put this bluntly?
Men love blowjobs!
After years of seeing “help me!” posts from members on Women’s Health Interactive, I have learned that many women don’t give frequent head or don’t give head at all because they truly don’t know how and don’t feel confident in their skills.
If you fit into that category, I have three simple suggestions:
- Watch some good blow job porn. Yes, PORN! Especially the amateur stuff. Take a mental note of the techniques used, the most common positions, what those women do with their hands, their eye contact, etc.
- Practice. Sure, you can practice on a dildo or a banana, but I highly recommend recruiting your man for some practice. I’m sure he won’t mind! Practice makes perfect!
- Get sloppy. The sloppier the better. Unless your dude has a known aversion to spit, use a ton of it and just go for it with your mouth, your hands, your face, etc. Don’t be afraid to get a little dirty!
Oh, and hey, don’t forget to let him indulge in a little dessert too! Many men are super turned on by being on the giving end of oral sex.
Need more? Watch this awesome TED Talk by Esther Perel on the secrets of maintaining desire in long-term relationships!
How to Seduce Your Husband
“For [erotically intelligent couples], love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning.” – Esther Perel
Alright, so you’ve been married for more years than you can even remember at this point and all the rest of this stuff probably seems like schoolyard play to you.
Let’s face it, after years of marriage, it might take more effort to keep that fire burning.
“After being with my wife for over ten years, we have to work to keep things spicy. Seduction tactics a few years ago don’t work as well today. We have to continually reinvent this aspect of our relationship. Again, it’s not about what you do, but the manner in which you do it.” – Otis Wright, Relationship Coach
If there are things in the “How to Seduce Your Boyfriend” section above that you haven’t tried yet, you can definitely add those in here too!
But, if you’re pretty sure you’ve tried it all by now but still want to cause explosions in his sky, give these things a go!
1) Change It Up!
This one is super easy. Is he always the one who initiates sex or a steamy makeout session? Now, it’s your turn!
Or, are you always the one who initiates? Show him you’re interested, but let him take charge this time.
Whatever your current role is, switch things up! Easy enough, right?
As Dr. Seth shared with us:
“Comfort is great, but so is going to a crowded bar and pretending you don’t know each other. Desire and mystery are the first things to go when you get into a committed, long-term relationship, so it’s extremely important to make sure to keep things fun and interesting.”
During a heart-to-heart with a close sixty-something male friend who has been married for many years, I asked: “What could your wife do that would really seduce you and get you going?”
“Well…” he quickly responded, “something totally different.”
The emphasis on “totally” was a bit sharp and I immediately thought, ”Ouch…is he saying he wants someone totally different?”
Alas…this is where we so often go wrong, ladies.
We often assume that our guy wanting to change things up a bit means he doesn’t find us attractive anymore or wants someone different.
No way! It means he is human, just as you are.
Don’t we ALL need a little variety in our lives now and then? He wants that variety with YOU!
“I mean,” my sixty-something married friend shared, “she’d just really need to do something totally outside of the normal comfort zone. I still think she’s beautiful and hot, but in a much different way than I did thirty years ago. A better way, really. I would love to see a totally different side of her now and let what we have grow even more.”
I think it is safe to say that the same advice will apply to many long-term relationships and marriages.
None of this means that your husband wants someone else. It just means he has grown so accustomed to the usual routine that he needs to see you, his beautiful wife, in a different light.
So, toss aside those insecurities and take a big leap out of your comfort zone!
2) Thou giveth and thou taketh away!
Most men appreciate a good challenge. One of the reasons that marriage romance sometimes gets mundane is because there is no challenge or obstacle between you and your guy.
“Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue,” said John Eldredge, author of Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul.
Men like a chase!
No, not the play-hard-to-get and pretend-not-to-like-him kind of chase. No head games allowed!
Instead, be naturally challenging by setting high standards for yourself, for him and for your life together and maintaining those throughout your marriage.
As the author of this article (that I highly recommend you read) describes: “The naturally challenging woman knows that no matter how committed the couple is, there are still ways he could lose her. This might sound odd, but it’s fundamental to long-lasting attraction.”
But don’t worry, you can have a little fun to keep the challenge going, too!
Perhaps you all have to be somewhere at a certain time one evening. Before you leave or even on the way there, rub him provocatively and give him “the look” just in time to have to stop.
Once you’ve gotten where you’re going, give him a wink or a quick rub under the table. I promise that if this dude still has a heartbeat, he will be left thinking about ravaging you throughout the rest of the night.
Otis Wright, the relationship coach, affirmed this tried and true seduction method:
“While out with friends for dinner, my wife may whisper in my ear something naughty she intends to do to me later when we get home, or maybe in the car.”
3) Put a little sex in the text!
Do you think sexting is for horny teenagers and lonely creepers? Think again, ladies!
Sexting doesn’t have to be some sort of phone sex line style smash party:
Oh, baby. What are you wearing? I am touching myself right now. Oh yeah, baby. Mmmm.
I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing go for it, but you can also take a much more subtle approach.
I can simply send a random text to my man of a (insert eggplant, corn cob or hot dog emoji) and a (insert peach or cat emoji) and he knows EXACTLY what is on my mind.
He absolutely loves getting those funny and/or dirty texts from me and your man will too!
If you still need sexting help, check out some great tips here!
4) Give him space!
Yeah, you heard me, sister.
If you and the hubs spend pretty much every waking minute together, create some healthy distance. Plan some things that don’t involve him and encourage him to do the same.
The beau and I love spending time together and by the time we work and do all other adulting responsibilities, sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is a lot of time left for “us.”
So, when we have the time, we want nothing more than to spend it together.
I get it.
But it is still important to have that time apart.
Roman poet, Sextus Propertius knew what he was talking about when he said, “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows.”
Or, as we hear it more commonly said today, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
A little space now and then is healthy and might just make you both miss and appreciate each other enough to reignite the romance!
5) Have Some Fun!
In Why Am I So Horny? Top 5 Reasons You Want It All The Time we talked about the female libido being very tied to emotional well-being. The same is true for men.
Between work, kids/grandkids, extra-curricular activities, financial stresses, and other common life stuff, we all get stuck in a rut of needing to be very serious all the time.
But remember, you and your partner are still those little kids who needed recess at school each day to let loose and have a little fun.
As adults, we often forget that we still NEED that.
Seduce him with some good, old-fashioned fun!
A concert you’ll both love, a night out on the town with a hotel room afterward, a taxi out to get drinks and listen to some good tunes, a hiking trip.
Whatever it may be for you and your man, find something you both will enjoy and truly have FUN doing. Seeing each other have a good time can be very attractive!
And not just a chuckle, but that deep-down-in your-belly-laugh-until-you-cry type of laugh.
My partner and I laugh like this daily. I’m the self-proclaimed comedian of the relationship and I am always doing something ridiculous that cracks him up, which in turn cracks me up.
Being totally yourself can be funny as hell!
Remember, even though it’s a super fun part of it, seduction doesn’t always involve sex!
Side note for you married with children folks: It is NOT okay to use children as an excuse to be non-romantic with your dude. Sure, having kids complicates the availability of sexy time and the energy you both are left with by the time you get to it. But it is no less important. One of our contributors has even written that sex after having children can be BETTER than before.
Click here for some super helpful tips to protect your sex life from your kids!
Need more? Watch this awesome TED Talk by Esther Perel on the secrets of maintaining desire in long-term relationships!
Step 4: In Conclusion – Just Do It!
“C’mon good girl, be bad.” – Nicki Elson
Now, there is absolutely nothing standing in the way of being the seductress you and your guy have longed for you to be.
Figure out what your goal is, investigate what your guy truly wants, develop your plan of action and knock his socks off!
So, just do it you beautiful vixen you! Be confidently and authentically you and seduce your partner, body, mind, AND soul!
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew you needed to seduce your guy but had no idea where to even start? Maybe you’ve even been lead astray by cliche seduction “must do’s” causing you to fail miserably at your seduction attempt?
We’ve all been there at some point! Click on the “Discuss” link/button that appears at the end of this article to share your own experiences with us, both wins and fails!
And perhaps your man already considers you the master of seduction! If so, we’d love to hear your secrets to add to our list!