[Euphoric]

He said they made up for it on the weekends. He did say tho, that she was not interested in sex, and would just lie there and allow him to have sex, not really participating. She never denied him anything he wanted, but wasn't into it at all.

What I took away from that experience is that he just simply has a lot of learning to do. He doesn't know what's in & what's out (literally, women's anatomy). What pressure to use, how to touch which places, when to touch, and I've already discussed the crazy, jerky, erratic movements...really, he seems to be at the development stage of a teen.

Then...in the bed...??? Why does that passion, intuition & sensitivity not carry into the bed?

He is 42 and you are the third person he has had sex with. Scratch that...you haven't had *sex,* just made out enough to be extremely turned off and hurt. IMO, most people have sown wild oats as a teen and continued doing so into adulthood. Some people never stop sowing wild oats ;-). Your guy skipped that phase of life and to make matters worse, according to your earlier post, his wife (and first partner) was never really into sex, she just never denied him. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and this is what comes to mind. I'd probably be uncoordinated and self-conscious if my spouse of sixteen years basically laid sprawled out on the bed like a dead fish with legs spread to give me access but knowing the whole time her goal was to appease, not please. (Slight exaggeration, I hope.) He also told you he'd only had sex with one additional person since separating. Given his jerky performance issues, he is definitely not over or understating the facts. In his mind, he may not realize the depth of his performance issue because he doesn't know any differently. It's kind of impossible to be extremely passionate and intuitive when your past experience really wasn't *experience* in those departments, ya know? In a sense, he really is in a developmental stage...Very Late in life. Sadly, I'm not sure if he Realizes the extent of his *lack of knowledge.* I know that doesn't bode well with what you are looking for physically, once again, I'm brainstorming to provide Possible answers to the proverbial question, "Why?".

[beethovengenius]

Euphoric, Kitty asked him if his wife cheated on him and he answered by saying that she did in fact cheat on him. So to say that she was not into sex is not accurate in my opinion. If she were not into sex why would she have cheated on him? For all we know she may have been unfaithful with more partners than he knows even.

Knowledge is one thing, however sexual intuition and empathy are really not something that can be learned, you either have it or you don't, or at least that is my opinion. I really do believe that the wife was fed up with him sexually that is, to the point that she felt that she had to be unfaithful.

[jns]

If she were not into sex why would she have cheated on him?

Being into sex can be a reason given for cheating, but it is not the only one. Being mean to your SO is another. Getting back at your SO is another. Being into ego driven conquest is another. Setting up blackmail is another. Using sex as a way to gain companionship is another. These are just a few of ways people use sex with someone who is not their SO.

[Euphoric]

Euphoric, Kitty asked him if his wife cheated on him and he answered by saying that she did in fact cheat on him. So to say that she was not into sex is not accurate in my opinion. If she were not into sex why would she have cheated on him? For all we know she may have been unfaithful with more partners than he knows even

Beethoven, I'm well aware that he said his wife cheated, which is why I copied and pasted direct quotes from Kitty's post. (# 68) If saying his wife was not into sex is inaccurate, then Kitty's quote was inaccurate.

Maybe as jns and Kitty have stated, she was lonely and needed companionship since he travels extensively for work. All we can do is speculate as to why she cheated.

[atskitty2]

Not to put a spin on things, or add some intentional factor of finger-pointing, but she is now with a guy 17 yrs younger than she. He is 21. Again, not that it means anything at all, but its ripe for speculation, and I admit my mind went there initially. This is the guy she supposedly had cheated with from the beginning.

Just thought I'd say that. I may regret, as it may derail my whole train now...lol

[Euphoric]

Wow! Just going on memory, he has been separated 1.5 years and divorced almost 1 year. I'll round down to two years. That would put this guy around 19 years old at the time of her indiscretion. Major speculation here, but maybe she was/is going thru a mid-life crisis/lack of companionship/lack of sexual fulfillment.

[beethovengenius]

But the reality is that the wife may well have cheated on him with multiple partners. Overwhelmingly the primary reason a woman cheats is because she is not sexually satisfied. There are others factors that JNS highlighted too that contribute to cheating, however sexual dissatisfaction is no.1.

[Euphoric]

I agree that lack of sexual gratification is a HUGE factor, but after 16 years of marriage, I feel like there had to be more behind her actions. And like you say, she may have been cheating all along. Unless there was an agreement of some sort, such as an open marriage - and there obviously wasn't - I can't imagine remaining in a relationship that long. However, I do know that that happens...

[atskitty2]

From all he's told me, an early mid-life crisis is what comes to mind with this woman, every time he shares some piece of info. She is around 38 & she hangs out with "kids" as friends. Her job is one where she is surrounded by & supervising teens & early twenties, college kids.

But she isn't really my concern, neither her reasons or time line for cheating. What I am interested in is him, now, and how our future sex life will/may be. I think I have my answer, but somehow, I'm just not inclined to give up already. My gut is telling me there's more to be learned here, more to know & I just have to stick around to find out what that is!

[Euphoric]

In my brainstorming process to find answers for his lack of sexual coordination, I was looking for possible answers that didn't lead to him being a horrible lover. The early mid-life crisis would support that direction :-)

Am I detecting a sliver of hope, Kitty? Your last sentence kinda sounds like another piece of the puzzle has been worked, which sheds new light on the situation, therefore, Inclining you to stick around a while longer and invest more time and energy because potential still exists. Have you spent time with him since the holiday rush has past?