[jen1447]

Jen - Haha, I bet you would call him up and give him hell but remember I DO love this guy despite all the crappiness, so I'd rather he wasn't totally reduced to tatters!! Plus as a person n the internet who posts in forums, you automatically have no respect from my SO because he would assume that you were a lonely male sexual predator preying on weak or vulnerable women online (thats what he thinks most of the internet is about).

I understand how he'd use that as a defense mechanism, but the only way he wouldn't respect me in very short order is if he didn't read the e-mails (which I suspect is what he'd do). btw, being tattered is what he needs and it would actually be a favor to him in terms of learning some humility. Every person needs to be humiliated once in their life, and it kind of sounds to me like he never was. If he had been, he'd know better about concepts like mutual respect, valuation of others and so on. Without that fundamental life lesson he's like a little boy in a lot of ways. For example a little boy would attempt to exploit your feelings in just the same way as he did with the Facebook thing - silent treatment, dirty looks, blame, casting it as an affront to his dignity and a moral outrage, etc. I'm surprised he didn't scream "I don't love you!" while he was at it.

Jen - you are such a defensive warrior woman and I really do feel a bit stronger that I have your virtual support, even though obviously I dont actually know you. I asked for other people's opinions to be slightly more considerately discussed because I know how I would feel if I found out that my SO had taken on an alias and posted here...( not that he would!). Reading your reply in my defense was actually really touching (and possibly justified), but in my experience, telling people who have a strikingly different or inappropriate or ill-informed attitude that they are wrong and should be ashamed usually does nothing other than cause hostility where perhaps before, there was none.

You guys should see me when I actually get angry ....that was totally PG-13. I'll just say about this that niceness is all well and good when the stakes aren't high. In your case, I'm afraid they are because I see a lot of pointers showing your relationship moving toward an outright abusive one. With that kind of outcome on the table, you don't play nice. Sorry, it's just the way it is and I don't apologize for it. The world fights dirty sometimes and if you don't bring it when it does, you'll lose, plain and simple.

[effy2014]

I hope that you can get to an emotional place where you love the person you see in the mirror. It is difficult when you suffer as you have with depression issues but that is why it is so important to surround yourself with people who are supportive. When you are told that you are lazy and inconsiderate, your mind tell you that it is the truth. If you are told over and over that you are brilliant and wonderful you will star to believe it as well.

Most of us will never have Jen's self confidence, but that should be a goal for you. Believe more in who you are.

[Crystalblue]

Wrote lengthy reply but it dissolved on posting...

Bottom line, don't jump on tjm for having an opinion, I appreciate the defense but it's kind of interesting to hear from people who think like my SO. Play nicely kids or I'll ask to have the thread closed.

You have it in you to stand up for yourself & do what you think is right. It's much harder in person when there's more on the line, but don't fool yourself into thinking you're weak just because you consider a perspective from someone you care about. That can be a valuable asset. Just remember what you want and need is important, and taking your own road to happiness doesn't mean you're uncaring or selfish. It means you love yourself enough to acknowledge and honor your feelings.

[tjm0824]

Calibri Wow. Didn't expect to upset so many people. I would try to respond to everyone but I'd be here all day. lol I did notice that I misread your post. Actually, I didn't misread it. I just got interrupted at work then forgot that you said SO and not husband. Either way, you know what I meant. I'm glad I didn't offend you, since I wasn't trying to be mean about it. I guess it did sound harsh, but it's hard to convey an emotional tone to a post. I think if you had heard me verbally say it to you it wouldn't have sounded so harsh. But I apologize if I upset you. After reading the other responses, I noticed quite a few misinterpretations of what I actually said - which is ironic since people were quick to point out my mistake from your post about him being your SO and not your husband. That seems rather trivial compared to how badly my post was misconstrued. First of all, I never said that he was right by being upset that you are fb friends with your ex. I agree, that is rather controlling. I believe you are right in that case. My point was that I don't agree with telling him you will delete him then adding him right back. That was the only point I was trying to make. I will admit, I don't know your whole story. In fact, I only know you from this post. But, with that said, I feel that being impartial is an advantage and not a hindrance. I don't know anything about your relationship. I only know of this situation. Therefore, my opinion is based solely on this situation. I also never said you were a selfish person or that you should feel guilty. I noticed someone used that word in quotes. I was misquoted. The bottom line is...there are always two sides. If you stay focused on his side you will miss your side. You can't change him. You can only change you. Telling him one thing then doing the opposite cause you don't agree is passive aggressiveness. And perhaps it was more about you feeling resentful toward his controlling behavior and it was your way of saying F**ck You! That is very common in a controlling, abusive relationship. But either way, it doesn't make it right. I honestly hope you find the strength to leave him based on what others have been saying. But the bottom line, and what my point was, is that I think you should focus more on you and less on him. Personally, I would not have a problem with a girlfriend being friends with an ex on fb. However, if I noticed that she was deceitful about it I would start to be suspicious. And that suspicion would spread to other areas besides fb. Yes, I agree with whoever said there are different magnitudes of "deceit" (again, no need for quotes. It was deceit), but it still doesn't make it right.

[tjm0824]

Forgot to mention....I did just read your post then replied without reading all the others. After going back and reading them I see my point was already stated. Sorry, now I know not to skip ahead. This is my first time on a forum like this. You live and learn.

[calibri~]

Tjm, thanks for the clarification. Threads can move off on tangents from the original post, so beware of any extra info people post later on. Unfortunately in this case the issue clearly isn't Facebook or exes at all, but I was too dumb to see that at the start because I was hurt, defensive, anxious and all kinds of other things that interfere with cognition .

One word of advice though....if you plan on sticking around then criticising people for asking strangers for advice isn't a going to prove a popular strategy....

[tjm0824]

Tjm, thanks for the clarification. Threads can move off on tangents from the original post, so beware of any extra info people post later on. Unfortunately in this case the issue clearly isn't Facebook or exes at all, but I was too dumb to see that at the start because I was hurt, defensive, anxious and all kinds of other things that interfere with cognition .

One word of advice though....if you plan on sticking around then criticising people for asking strangers for advice isn't a going to prove a popular strategy....

That's not what I meant. What I was trying to say was that it didn't matter what others thought regarding being friends with an ex on fb. It might make you feel better to hear people tell you you're right, but at the end of the day it's about what your SO thinks, nobody else. Your SO had already answered the question you were asking.

[jen1447]

That's quite untrue. Her SO doesn't get to decide on cosmic 'rightness,' only if he's personally offended or not. What she was asking is if it was objectively wrong to friend an ex on FB. That's a perfectly legit question to ask here. (And never mind the fact that her SO's opinion is actually quite insignificant in that he isn't playing fair with her to begin with. It's like asking a thief if he's offended by lies and worrying about his answer - doesn't compute.)

[tjm0824]

That's quite untrue. Her SO doesn't get to decide on cosmic 'rightness,' only if he's personally offended or not. What she was asking is if it was objectively wrong to friend an ex on FB. That's a perfectly legit question to ask here. (And never mind the fact that her SO's opinion is actually quite insignificant in that he isn't playing fair with her to begin with. It's like asking a thief if he's offended by lies and worrying about his answer - doesn't compute.)

Her SO's opinion might not matter to you, but I'm sure it matters to her. Being friends with an ex on fb is not a right vs wrong matter. It's not "wrong" to be friends with an ex. I guess that's where I'm not getting this. What will it change if everyone else thinks it's ok when her SO still doesn't? I just don't see the point in even asking. I guess then the best answer I have to that question is....it is only wrong to be friends with an ex on fb if your current SO expressed his feelings about it and she agreed to delete the ex. But it's not the fb friendship that makes it wrong. That's not right or wrong. It's nothing. It's not a matter of morals. She wants others' opinions, that's fine. But what difference does it make? Had she asked if she should comply with his request then that's a different story. That's something she can control. But we can tell her til we're blue in the face that he shouldn't be upset about it. It doesn't matter. Telling her that isn't going to help her change her situation. He's still gonna have a problem with it.

[jen1447]

Her SO's opinion might not matter to you, but I'm sure it matters to her.

That's why a thorough reading of the scenario and familiarity with calibri's domestic situation in general will show that's it's most important that we help her realize her partner's opinion is much less significant than her own free will. If he was a 'good' guy we could discuss it all touchy-feely and it wouldn't matter. He's not.

Being friends with an ex on fb is not a right vs wrong matter.

It's a matter of offending someone or not, but when it comes right down to it we're all free to do whatever we like. The bigger picture here again is that calibri needs to break free of the notion that she offended a principal or a universal truth, not just some guy's tender sensibilities (and a guy who manipulates others' sensibilities and vulnerabilities to suit his needs).

What will it change if everyone else thinks it's ok when her SO still doesn't?

It will hopefully empower her to walk away from the guy. Right now she doesn't feel she has the ability to do that.

But we can tell her til we're blue in the face that he shouldn't be upset about it. It doesn't matter. Telling her that isn't going to help her change her situation. He's still gonna have a problem with it.

It absolutely will help her situation (or may, if we can get thru to her) in that hopefully she'll stop seeing the urgency in trying to please or obey him if she realizes his opinion doesn't matter or is less significant than her own free will and the expectation of being treating with the respect and affection that any romantic partnership needs and deserves to flourish.