[calibri~]

...I just don't see the point in even asking.......But what difference does it make? Had she asked if she should comply with his request then that's a different story.

Not that I really expect most people to understand, but after years of being told by someone close to you that your morals, your thoughts, your logic, your understading and your judgement are categorically WRONG and UNACCEPTABLE by EVERYONE, you tend to start questioning whether you are in fact a sociopath or psychopath or who knows what, and just don't know it.....so you stop asking your friends and famiy these questions because you are afraid they will also start telling you that your thought patterns, expectations, and hopes are those of some kind of mentally or socially abhorrent creature - then, you get kind desperate at times and tend to ask total strangers whether you appear to be thinking straight or not (because the consequences of some random people thinking that Im some kind of psychotic freak is much less stressful than if friends or family though that).

OK, well perhaps I didn't ask the right question. But some repliers picked through my verbal spaggetti and kindly addressed that very question for me, reading between the lines and seeing that i wrote, in an attempt to get some reassurance as to my mental health and ideolagy, so that I could better handle the situation that I myself had caused. The difference that it makes is that I feel slightly more secure in my own thoughts, as if I am not the only person who appears to think the way that I do.

Is it any clearer now? perhaps admin will allow me to change the title of the thread...

[effy2014]

Her SO's opinion might not matter to you, but I'm sure it matters to her. Being friends with an ex on fb is not a right vs wrong matter. It's not "wrong" to be friends with an ex. I guess that's where I'm not getting this. What will it change if everyone else thinks it's ok when her SO still doesn't? I just don't see the point in even asking. I guess then the best answer I have to that question is....it is only wrong to be friends with an ex on fb if your current SO expressed his feelings about it and she agreed to delete the ex. But it's not the fb friendship that makes it wrong. That's not right or wrong. It's nothing. It's not a matter of morals. She wants others' opinions, that's fine. But what difference does it make? Had she asked if she should comply with his request then that's a different story. That's something she can control. But we can tell her til we're blue in the face that he shouldn't be upset about it. It doesn't matter. Telling her that isn't going to help her change her situation. He's still gonna have a problem with it.

I don't understand your issue at all. Her question was not "Should my SO have gotten upset at the fact I posted on Facebook?"; your answer makes perfect sense to that question. However, people often use this site as a sanity check . . . were my actions wrong in an objective sense. Did he overreact in an objective sense?

You ask, "what difference it makes?" It allows the OP to process her SO's response in a more global context. If yours was the universal answer, "you agreed to it, can't go back on it now and are deceitful", then she would have one perspective. Many other people chimed in with a completely different perspective. That's how this forum works. But if, enough of the time, his actions seem out of the norm, she may reach the conclusion that she her relationship needs a better balance. That is how our comments can help to change the situation.

We can't change how her SO reacts, rightly or wrongly, just how she views and reacts to her SO's actions. When you view this in the context of Calibri's other posts (sleeping wars in particular) it gives the responder a much more accurate picture of the relationship. As I see it, Calibri has issues sticking up for herself. She feels guilty about almost everything. She loves her SO, but he seems to have difficulty compromising on most everything of value to Calibri. So, when viewed in that context, some of us can feel comfortable commenting that he is overreacting and giving her the confidence to stick up for herself.

[tjm0824]

Effy, here is my "issue" in a nutshell......you don't stand up for yourself after you've been caught. Her moment to stand up for herself IN THIS SITUATION was when he told her not to be friends with her ex. THAT'S when she should have stood up for herself. Standing up for yourself after you were caught doing something that you said you wouldn't do is not standing up for yourself. What you are telling her to do is not take responsibility for her actions. What she did was wrong imo. And I'm not the only one who stated that. I just happened to state it too harshly. But I will say it again....That is my OPINION. And I will continue to defend it. Which seems to be where this post is going.

[calibri~]

Correct. I should have stood up for myself years ago. But I couldn't. As a result I did something morally unjust and will not make the same mistake again.

[tjm0824]

Correct. I should have stood up for myself years ago. But I couldn't. As a result I did something morally unjust and will not make the same mistake again.

What has changed? How come you are able to do that now?

[calibri~]

I'm not able to stand up for myself often despite much therapy...but I can see that what I did was wrong and will not do the same again. What has changed is I have grown a little stronger over the years of my anorexia recovery and don't ever want to feel that I need to hide things from my partner again...if he doesn't accept me or my decisions etc then we have a problem that won't go away by me just acquiescencing and effectively lying.

[effy2014]

Effy, here is my "issue" in a nutshell......you don't stand up for yourself after you've been caught. Her moment to stand up for herself IN THIS SITUATION was when he told her not to be friends with her ex. THAT'S when she should have stood up for herself. Standing up for yourself after you were caught doing something that you said you wouldn't do is not standing up for yourself. What you are telling her to do is not take responsibility for her actions. What she did was wrong imo. And I'm not the only one who stated that. I just happened to state it too harshly. But I will say it again....That is my OPINION. And I will continue to defend it. Which seems to be where this post is going.

No one said you were not entitled to an opinion. Jen and I just thought it was harshly written and was uninformed given Calibri's other posts. Such is life.

[effy2014]

Correct. I should have stood up for myself years ago. But I couldn't. As a result I did something morally unjust and will not make the same mistake again.

Oy. It was not morally unjust. You should have been more upfront when you re-friended the old BF, but I also understand why you were not. The bottom line is that you have learned more about yourself in the process. And, in my humble opinion, stand up for yourself at any time you feel able to.

[tjm0824]

I'm not able to stand up for myself often despite much therapy...but I can see that what I did was wrong and will not do the same again. What has changed is I have grown a little stronger over the years of my anorexia recovery and don't ever want to feel that I need to hide things from my partner again...if he doesn't accept me or my decisions etc then we have a problem that won't go away by me just acquiescencing and effectively lying.

One suggestion I have that might help is to use more positive words. For example, you ARE able to stand up for yourself. It's just harder for you than the average person. But on some level you can stand up for yourself. By saying that it's hard for you rather than you are completely unable you are slightly empowering yourself. If you keep doing it eventually it'll make a difference.

[tjm0824]

No one said you were not entitled to an opinion. Jen and I just thought it was harshly written and was uninformed given Calibri's other posts. Such is life.

Ok, well if after I apologize and try to explain myself you still won't let it go then it does kinda seem like you're attacking me for simply having an opinion. You said it before....you thought it was harsh. Point made. I apologized. Nothing more I can do.