[Joy]

Thack,

You will prevail because you already made your mind up that you will. Stick to your choice to grow from this in a positive way.

Her lil mantra's of live for today forget the past she might well try and take that advice and forget her past and become what she wants to be instead of living in fear and becoming what she doesn't want to be.

I hope you find peace in your day.

[thack]

Yeah, I am trying to hold true to the goals I am setting. I am still trying to learn things. I want to come out of this even more outgoing than I was when we got married, I feel like I was a lot more outgoing when we met and throughout all of the weird situations and her being up and down and everything, I feel like i kinda got pushed inside myself and I'm just the opposite of what I remember being, I remember being able to go anywhere and just flow into the crowd, where as now days, I find myself looking on "how do I get in there" - SO, I am trying to get back to that, I just hope to be able to handle the transition back home, at least here this is nothing familiar, I really don't look forward to being back in my house with it all empty and stuff... missing all my furniture, my family, that's not something I am looking forward to. But, I have to take that as it comes.

I hope that she is taking this time to learn, even though it really does not seem like it, all of our mutual friends (that she's really upsetting by the way she is) are all only hanging out with her so they can keep me updated and make sure that she doesn't do anything - really - while I am here and before its all said and done. At least that is what they are telling me.

Personally, I would like it if she would take some time to learn, and grow. It seems like she went in reverse, and I do not want her to go through this later on in life, with the possibility of being the one being left, I can only vouch for how I was, I may not have been a perfect husband, but I was not ~bad~ to her. So, I do hope that she will learn, probably a little later on once the dust is settled I am sure, but I do hope that she takes some self reflection time, I would like to see her be happy and secure in her life again. Sadly, not with me, but honestly, with seeing how she's been and who' she has become, I don't know if that is the kind of woman I would want to live the rest of my days with.

So, I do hope that she forgoes this whole "live for today and only for today", that just does not make sense, the past is why we are who we are, if we do not look at it and remember it, and learn from it, we will never grow into a better person. As someone else stated to me "she's just pointing the finger and blaming every single thing on you so that she can rip this apart with the least bit of feelings and the illusion of no regrets, once it calms down and she is alone in her new life, it will hit her and she will feel the grief, just much later than you will." - my father's current wife, her husband did to her what my STBX is doing to me. (same with my father's first wife, 12 years later she still runs to him when she gets hurt by her boyfriends, its a shame, I do not wish that upon my X)

So, hopefully this can go as least destructively as possible (the divorce proceedings) and we can transition into being shared parents, I will not engage her on anything except child custody for a long long time, but hopefully some day we can hang out and remember the good times and maybe get some closure on things that brought this on. - but not for a long time, I do not even like talking to her right now to speak with my son (which she's always sleeping because she was out partying the night before while my son is awake and playing "1yearold..." that really upsets me) so, i just ask to speak to him, tell her thank you, and then say good bye. nothing more.

but yeah, those are my hopes. IF you have any recommendations on websites for "regaining self confidence, or interfacing with people" I am all ears.

-Ty

[thack]

Fixing a statement-

I hope that she is taking this time to learn, even though it really does not seem like it, all of our mutual friends (that she's really upsetting by the way she is) are all only hanging out with her so they can keep me updated and make sure that she doesn't do anything bad - really bad - while I am here and before its all said and done. At least that is what they are telling me.

[thack]

Ok so tonight I messed up a bit, she emailed me badgering me about the divorce papers that she sent to me (i guess) wanting this over with now so that she can go be with whoever it is she's with right now. I ended up calling her (big mistake) and was like, well, let me say this, "I am not the one pushing this (her name here) you are, I am here, and truthfully I have little to no respect for you because of you doing this, you have no idea what you have and are putting me through by doing this at the time you are, you have no idea at all. I have never felt such grief or pain in my life, and its all on accusations that you pushed onto me and things that you HAVE or ARE currently doing. SO, yeah. I am not trying to reconcile with you, that is not even an option right now, but I am not going to get strong armed by you into doing something that I do not want to do right now, I have more important things at hand."

to which she replied with "all the pain you are in right now, try me and the past 4 years (since her deployment- when she put up her walls) you are the one who cheated on me, you are the one who gave me the std, you are the... *all the same accusations I have mentioned in earlier posts*"

I merely said to her this, "IF this happens while I am here, you must move out of the house once its done, I do not want you and your boyfriend in my house, and oh yeah, I know about him, tell (his name) i said hi and thanks for keeping you warm while I've been gone. You have no idea what it does to a man to have friends of his email him every couple days with "hey man, i found your wife on this dating site, here's the link" and then i said, I dont care if you believe me or not with the FACT that i have not cheated on you, because I know what i have not done and I have no issues with that, at this point in our existance i really would not care and i would just tell you that i had cheated if i did, dont you think i would have begged for your forgiveness and a chance to work through it if i had cheated? no, because its a false accusation."

so she just freaked out and hung up on me after that, its just amazing how someone can brew up a story so insane and try to believe it.

Now i know i brought this on myself, I should not have talked to her at all, i should have done my normal thing and just close the email. But for some reason, tonight i didnt and i regret it. I did not say anything in the email, nothing that she can claim "see he threatened me" or something dumb like that. But I let her get under my skin, and I KNOW that in this whole fiasco, everything and anything she says has absolutely no body behind it, she is still trying to build herself up to not feel any guilt or responsibility for our marriage dissolving, so that she can continue to push and do her thing. I cannot let this happen again, i cannot let her continue to mess with me emotionally, its over, i need it to just be over with. I cannot stand talking to her and i really do not know why i went and got on the phone.

I think that i was hoping for some sort of "closure" conversation to help ME move past, but instead it just blew up, which now she's even more mad and going to do something vindictive and spiteful i am sure.

;lakjfa;lskjfa;lsjfas;lkjfas;ljf

I cannot let this happen again, i cannot let myself get intertwined with someone who's got this "brewed" up story to give themself the illusion of faultlessness and continue on.

so, kinda beating myself up for that tonight, went out and hung out with some friends afterwards. She really does not know that all of the friends we have back home have no respect for her and behind her back to me are saying "there are better women out there Ty, she doesnt deserve you"

and who knows ,they may be saying the same thing to her, but im not the one parading around with a boyfriend or new guys off a dating site... so, still, i hold onto my honorable morals and standings.

><

[TWills32]

Don't regret what you said, you had to get it out. It's not like you said anything to get yourself into trouble, you said the truth. It's better to get your frustrations out so they don't build up. The accusations she is making about you are probably things she's done. She's blaming her guilt on you. May sound strange, but think about it. She says you cheated on her, well, chances are, she cheated on you. She felt guilty, and assumed since she cheated, you must have by now, so she placed the blame on you. She's trying to get rid of her guilt and bad feelings. In the end, though, she will always be miserable if that's the game she's going to play.

Just take solace in the fact that the relationship she's in with some guy now won't last. She obviously has no idea how to make a relationship work. Soon she'll move on to the next "Mr. Right Now".

Just be yourself. Keep being honest, caring, and keep your morals. Guys like you are hard to find, you will have plenty of great women to choose from, trust me

[WildChild]

You know Thack, it comes to mind that the 'live for today and only for today' thinking comes out of a feeling that there won't be a tomorrow. Historically I think you'd find it's been a common reaction in settings of war, plague and imminent disaster. People get attitude that they'd better grab all the fun they can while they can because there won't be a second chance. I think it was a factor in the US sex and drug culture of of the 60s and early 70s. I was a student in HS when the Vietnam war ended and we had grown up knowing that the young men would likely be drafted. We all had family and friends who had and it did have an effect on the attitude of escapism (drugs), risk taking and sexual behavior.

We need more support systems for helping people cope with this. This war has seen high levels of PTSS and there isn't enough being done to learn what it takes to help suffers get past it. Your STBX may be dealing with this and with a fear of you not returning or returning changed. There is some evidence of a genetic factor in people who develop PTSS. Unfortuately if she is suffering from this she isn't likely to overcome it on her own. She probably can't explain why she is acting as she is.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you have a good support network of famliy and friends when you return because divorce with kids involoved is always tough.

Stay safe, your little one needs you

[thack]

Yeah, I still kind of regret calling, I should not have done it. I have been very composed during all of this and been doing very well with the contact, taking a step back, thinking, and then responding. The phone call was a horrible idea. To hear her say that the past 4 years is comparable to how I have felt the past 3 months is a bold faced lie, either that or the past 4 years has been a lie. We had our up's and downs but like any marriage, it seemed to level out during that time.

I know that her "live for today and only for today" is a product of this, she is a weak minded woman, always being influenced by her mother and her little group of friends more than the people that she is directly living with . . i.e. me. Every time she got a little glance from some other guy she felt like she was "missing out on life" and I have been fighting that for the past 4 years. I thought we were doing just fine 2 years ago when we decided to have a son and buy a house (not like those are small tasks) and then to have her add in the whole "you have had control over me forever" - I do not see how I could be accused of that, I let her have her girls nights' out, let her have little parties at the house when she wanted to do the tupperwear / pampered chef / partylight / stamp'in up, all those little things, always took her shopping whenever she wanted to, tried to spend time with her when she wanted to, bought her every new car that she wanted, so, I honestly do not think that I was a control freak. I guess by asking her to stay in the marriage was trying to "control" her. .

Like I said, I cannot let her words actually get to me, she is making things in her head that someone somewhere else has mentioned seem like they were the reason we are not together any more. I know how I am, I know who I am, and I am not those things.

I even told her on the phone "don't you think that at this point I would just tell you if I had cheated on you, or been asking for your forgiveness a while back for cheating on you? Instead of pleading with you to understand that I did not cheat on you?" I mean, come on. . . at this point, it is over, no reason to hide anything any more that's for sure, she tried to hide her boyfriend, and I just said, "I am not s*upid, I have enough people back home who have emailed me and told me what they've seen and how you introduced him"

Gotta let this go, gotta let this go, its got to flow out of me, I do not want it in me any more.

[Guest]

That's ok Brother let her Rippppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Thack.

The thing is she was in total shock that you actually new things about her..

That is why she hung up, she couldn't say a thing it was like WT?

Look, even if she was going to try to use things to assist with Divorce ( paper's not received yet) i imagine, to see what she has written, the fact is that she would now be shirting herself, i for one think go for it, you needed so badly to say what you did, it doesn't matter, you have friends to confirm it happened, and pages saved on your computer of dating.

You are right, guys will beg for forgiveness if in love and stuff up.

I am sorry but is it possible she did something whilst married ( well she is ) but before,? How else do you get STD?

Okay some from toilet seats but they are not the same.

Hun, again, your 26.. she is out there, and this one wasn't it, unfortunately this lady got pregnant and that is really what you are hanging onto, so remember, she CAN NOT,not allow that child to be in your life.

You have more evidence on her, she has a "wim" you have actual facts.

Smile.

xx

CW

[Guest]

CW is so correct in everything she says:

My wife's Ex Committed adultery on her and by friends seeing and being able to prove things, it was a clear cut case, She won, He lost, She got the kids, He got the Bills!

By the way Thack, when I said let her rip earlier I was many Let it rip, cause I know it does fill better when you do. didn't want you to think I meant it against her, take care Brother