[Crystalblue]

I talked to my husband tonight about how I'd been feeling & that I felt like I couldn't move past this because it still seemed like there was more he was holding back from telling me. It started out with me telling him I'd given him the opportunity to come clean & he wasn't, so I needed to leave. He stood in my way & said I needed to tell him why I was mad, so I grabbed his water & threw it on the floor. (lol. That's as violent as I get. Big temper tantrum for me.) We talked. He even went on a walk with me...& he added someone else to his list, so now we're at three girls he did this with. (Another person from ff game) I actually laughed about it. He summed up by saying those were the only three. It is kind of funny. When I first caught him, it was the skype girl & that was the only one. Then, his friend, but it was just those two. Lol. Getting a little ridiculous. I asked him if in another 4 months, he would be admitting to a fourth.

I'm still processing it. Haven't even felt any anger yet. I got it out of him by telling him I felt like he was still holding stuff back from me, that I felt like we could work past this, but I had to know what I was forgiving him for before I could forgive him, and then I asked him if I had done anything to make him feel like he couldn't trust me. He said no & told me about the third person.

I told him about me being depressed and that I wanted to be able to rebuild our relationship, but wasn't sure if I could. I said I really didn't want to do counselling, but if we didn't make improvements I wanted to try it before we gave up. He said he'd go with me if I felt like we needed it. He doesn't think we do, but I'm not so optimistic.

I feel like the talking was productive but not sure what it was productive for yet. And hey! I got him to go for a walk with me. Lol

[Crystalblue]

WC, I think we're understanding each other, but can see how he could be using work to show his support for our family.

CW, I made a list today of activities and friends that make me laugh. I'm making plans with a friend I haven't seen in a while to take our kids out to a park by the lake. She always makes me laugh. Doing mad libs with my son is an easy one, too. Planning on lunch or dinner with another friend tomorrow to go out without the kids. I do need more laughter.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Good for you, I'm glad

IDK don't get mad with me if you throw water through this computer I won't be able to use it anymore

But, is it possible that he thought you found something else, as to why he admitted the other one? You did use the " old trick there in the book"...

I think it's workable, but I think he needs to see a different you, one whom is happy when he's not there to realise what he could lose...

CW

[Crystalblue]

Funny you should mention water messing up the computer stuff because my first thought when it hit the floor was that I should have aimed for his xbox stuff. Doh!

He knows there's nothing else for me to find that he couldn't lie his way out of. I believe him when he says he's not doing stuff like that anymore, but I have doubts about how far it went. About two years ago I tested positive for HPV, but after all the reading on it I've done, it can lay dormant for years & men can be a carrier. My husband is the only one I've ever had sex with, but he had lots of partners before we met.

With all that's happened, I can't just assume anything Or give him the benefit of the doubt. I've just been hoping he'll be able to man up to everything without me having to research his life with me. I think one of the reasons I've been so depressed is because I know that I have to let go and distance myself from him. The only way for me to get through to him is to show him I'll be alright without him.

He knows everything I know, I've told him what I'm worried about & what I think I need to rebuild this, and I've explained what my options are.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Funny you should mention water messing up the computer stuff because my first thought when it hit the floor was that I should have aimed for his xbox stuff. Doh!

You know I have physicic abilities so stop putting your thoughts then into my mind

There could also be that fear factor in you, based on the HPV situation which must have been one yeck of a shock for you let alone, why me? He was my only partner this is not fair factor, that alone would depress someone but I think you are right, this is a time that YOU have to find YOU... And be 100% happy with her, it will make you strong, assertive, whilst still loving and giving, but with smarts and it will make YOU feel everything is okay because you will always be okay regardless.

[Crystalblue]

Thank you so much CW. I know the idea of finding and being happy with me is a basic need, but I really needed to hear that it was going to be all right, either way things turn out. I understand and already knew what you wrote, but I read it and felt very intense relief rush over me.

I just got in from my dinner with my friend. We walked around a few stores and had some girl time. I told her the latest about how me and my husband are doing. She gave me some extra courage to reinforce what I'd asked for my husband to do. I'm ready to help me and grow past this, regardless of what my husband chooses to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is something in that, a beauty in itself all I can say is watch it un-fold and embrase and feel it.

How did the window shopping go? Note that he didn't buy much But it was fun wasn't it.....

You know, I changed from blonde to brunette it was an amazing feeling. I wasn't hiding from myself, rather felt that I needed to have two identities at that time...


Maybe, you could view something like that just because you are all woman and about to be heard roaring in your own way


CW does a little giggle as well there

[Crystalblue]

Lol. I do feel like I'm becoming more assertive and stronger, looking back on my changes. I'm still working through waves of hurt, but that'll take some time. If I was going to make a statement of change with myself, I'm not sure what I would do. I've dyed my hair a couple of times, but hair and make up stuff isn't really me. Maybe a change in wardrobe...

My husband and I actually went walking at a track. It completely surprised me because he mostly refuses to do anything outside. He had said he would the day before, but I'm not getting my hopes up and waiting for him to come through anymore.

I went ahead and spilled my guts yesterday about me thinking he slept with other people. I had asked him before, but hadn't flat out told him that's what I thought. He still says no. He didn't get defensive & said he completely understands me worrying about it. Idk, he didn't look like he was lying, but my brains in charge right now, and if I were to tell any Dr. about my situation and ask their opinion, I'm pretty sure they would have the same suspicions.

He asked if I wanted him to get himself tested. I said I didn't know. Any feed back on this? I'm pretty sure that I had read there's no test for HPV for men, but I'm more concerned about the psychological side of him offering. I can't tell if it's a set up. Lol. I'm very suspicious right now. I guess he could think it would reassure me or put part of me at ease, that at least he's not bringing something else home for me, or I could see it as a partial admition. I'm very mixed up.

[Hopeless Dork]

Men don't think like we do, if they did he would not be offering up that test...lol. Ugh. Yes, I can see what you're feeling on that... it sort of sounds like an admission, though it probably isn't. I'm assuming he just wants to prove to you he's clean, therefore 'didn't cheat'... he likely didn't. Sounds like he kept it all online ... not that THAT makes it hurt an ounce less. It doesn't. Betrayal is betrayal, lies are lies,feeling forgotton about, feeling second place, feeling like losing the relationship was worth the risk... all those feelings come into play regaurdless of physical or emotional affairs.

Bottom line is... do you love this man, do you want to spend your life with him... does he treat you well and make you feel special and if the answer to all of those things are yes than you have a foundation to re-build your trust on. And as you re-build... with or without counseling, you will have to let what he did go. Or it will fester and ugly up any new steps you guys take.

There will be things that remind you of what he did and force all those emotions to the forefront and that is just something you AND he are signing up for and hopefully he will drop the defensive reactions (it seems like he's starting to do that) and just comfort you when you get insecure, or when those emotions stir, he owes you that much. But you can really keep him in emotional train wreck limbo if you keep seeking answers to things he doesn't have or wont give answers to.

At some point you have to just say, okay... or this will never be okay. And from everything you've written it sounds like you want to say okay, and move forward. Doesn't mean the hurt will vaporize... but it might be time to quit stewing in it, especially if you've made the decision to try to save your relationship.

[Crystalblue]

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. I completely agree with my heart. Now to just get my brain in on it. I had talked to my friend about all my suspicions and said that I couldn't help but worry about him physically cheating on me. I don't see how you can have phone sex and sext with someone, but not sleep with them when you're hanging out. She says that's because I'm not retarded. Idk, my husband still says he saw it being on the same level with porn (no, I don't buy it). He said when his friend was in town (she's also married) she always made sure she had someone with them because she didn't trust herself to be alone with him.

I think I've talked this through as much as I can with him. Yes, sometimes I do feel like I'm tip toeing on the edge of stewing, and I know he's getting tired of talking about it. So, I believe with my heart that he didn't physically cheat, I don't think he's doing this anymore, and I do think there were other people he did this with, but I don't think he's in contact with any of them now.

Yeah, I think I'm ready to try and let this go and stop torturing both of us. I'll have to talk parts out with him working past it, but I'm done with the grilling. I don't need any more details.