[atskitty2]

Would love an update. Been wondering about you.

[KMonte85]

So now that the site seems to be back in order, I feel like it's probably time for an update!

Honestly, it's been pretty status quo.

In September, he took me to the Dells for my birthday, we did a lot of fun "kitschy" things - feeding deer, taking boat tours, shopping at the tourist traps. We went to dinner at a couple nice places, went on a wine tour, to art fairs, etc... it was a great time. And after that, it seemed as though things were getting better between us.

He was still acting very insecure, though. His passive aggressive tendencies didn't go away when I would be out with the volleyball team, or if I would choose to go out with friends on the weekends he worked. At one point, I got so fed up with him that when I went out Saturday evening, I stayed out until 6:00am Sunday morning. I didn't do anything, really. I sat in a 24-hour cafe, ate breakfast, drank coffee, read the paper and played on my phone. But I did it as a protest. I did it to show him that me coming home at midnight when he knows where I've been and who I've been with perhaps isn't so bad. He still hasn't let me forget that I did that, and brings it up nearly every time I go out. So that backfired.

We're still at standoff. I try to come up with quality time things for us to do together when he's home. I take care of the house, inside and out. We can have good casual conversation, but intimate conversations are difficult. Our sex life has taken a drastic turn for the worse. We had sex a month ago, and he didn't pull out. I think he did it on purpose so I haven't slept with him since. I got dressed, drove straight to the pharmacy and bought Plan B. I did get my period, which just ended today, and I'm calling my doctor this afternoon to to get a Paraguard IUD inserted.

I never went to counseling on my own, other than to talk to the lady on the phone. But that can only do so much, so I quit calling her as well. IT seemed she was giving me the same advice you all were: "find a way to get him to open up" ...easy, in theory, right?

But a straw broke this camel's back yesterday. He's been off of his shift since Thursday of last week, and goes back to work tomorrow. I came home yesterday evening from work, to find the house a mess (when I left in the AM it was clean) and he was sleeping in bed, so I started picking up, fed the pets, and doing some laundry. When he woke up around 7:00pm, he asked me what was for dinner. I asked him what he had done all day, which involved going to a friend's house to have some beers and change the oil in his friend's truck, buying a new gun, going to get lunch with his buddies, drinking at the bar, coming home and sleeping it off. I had asked him to do a couple simple tasks in the 7 days he had off, all of which he said he would, and then didn't (and hasn't for months). I mean - SIMPLE. Make one phone call, and go to the store and purchase the aquarium filters we need because I don't know which ones to get. He said he would do it Thursday, then Friday, then Monday, then yesterday... finally when I got home to ask him about it - he said he'd do it tomorrow (today), and asked me what I was making for dinner.

I snapped.

I started crying (and I don't cry). I told him I'm sick of living in what feels like a loveless, disrespectful, and one-sided relationship. I told him I'm resentful. I told him I need his help and I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I told him I feared having his children and was finding a semi-permanent way not to, when in the beginning of our marriage we talked about starting a family around this time. I told him I thought about divorcing him every single day for the last 8 months, and the relief and comfort that idea gives me. I told him I felt like I was the only contributor to keeping our household together - physically, monetarily, and emotionally.

I told him if he wants to remain married, he will find a marriage counselor and schedule an appointment for us. I said I was dead serious. I did not give him a timeline because I want to see how serious HE is, and this is one area I won't nag about. If he cares, he'll do it. If he doesn't or wants to call my bluff, he won't do it.

But there is no bluffing. If he does not make a counseling appointment for us, I will be making an appointment with my lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings.

I've had enough.

[Claret]

Well, it looks like you have played all your cards and they are face up on the table. As you say, the rest will be up to him. However, is he the kind of guy that figures if he doesn't do anything it'll just all go away? That would be the passive-aggressive way for him to handle this. If he does nothing, nothing changes and at some point you will have to come to a decision and force his hand. I wish you the wisdom of Solomon in this but you must do what is right for you and your well-being.

[Stillness]

I told him I'm resentful. I told him I need his help and I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I told him I feared having his children and was finding a semi-permanent way not to, when in the beginning of our marriage we talked about starting a family around this time. I told him I thought about divorcing him every single day for the last 8 months, and the relief and comfort that idea gives me. I told him I felt like I was the only contributor to keeping our household together - physically, monetarily, and emotionally.

What was his response?

[jen1447]

Hey KMonte, I read thru this whole thread start to finish and just want to say - congratulations. The fact that you've settled on a course of action here is right and true and probably quite a relief.

[rcoreyus]

You've done the best you can. Its up to him now. If he doesn't go to counseling, then you can (and should) leave with a clear conscience. You should be happy, and if he won't make you happy, then you need to find someone else.

[KMonte85]

He shed a tear, said ok, and was silent. I'll know more about his response in the coming days or weeks, because the only response I will accept is his taking action. Anything short of that will be a non-response in my book.

It's a relief and a stress all in one... kind of bittersweet. I really hope he pulls through on this one. I don't give ultimatums unless I am 100% fed up and committed to following through. This will make or break us, which is kind of terrifying, given his track record for inaction.

[atskitty2]

Sorry to hear this. But, not so sorry to hear it too. You've reached your end and there's nothing more you can do but wait for his choice.

You're resolved and it's time to brace for the next step. Whether he chooses to do nothing or if he chooses to make the needed adjustments, it's likely going to be a painful time. If you proceed to separation/divorce, it will be tough. But at least you have the peace that you tried.
If he decides to start putting some work into the marriage and stay, he will likely have some things to say to you that will be difficult to hear, and you'll have changes to make as well.

I feel for you dear! My divorce has been final 2 yrs now and there are still some aspects I'm healing from.

It is a relief right? To finally just start to move fwd even if it seems to mean it'll be alone...at least you've put your feet on the ground, stated your needs and you will move fwd and be happy! I hope that this proceeds in the way you hope for. Keep us posted.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When you both were together as one, on holidays in September, you say you have a great time. And, things appeared to be getting better.

This is away from other people, away from stress, away from work, away........

7 days off, today or yesterday he was with the boys, doing boys things, drinking, making a mess and sleeping it off.

Reminds me of my ex-husband Including all the things I did around the house, with him, for him, anything to make it work and the non sex thing too towards the end, resentfulness.

The resentfulness, turns into hate which is such a strong word and one I don't like but it does, a kind of eweee when you see him.

Sounds to me as if, 1) he's not growing up, 2) he's bored with life and just lives and 3) if he cried, then he doesn't want this to end but is perhaps set in his ways and will rebel.

Not good.

Number 2. Does he love his job or just work for a living. You have passions and things you do is he perhaps envious as he just works and even if he loves his job, the hours perhaps and different times between the pair of you, when you do get the chance to see each other.

I doubt he will quit his job for love. But, it sounds as if maybe, you are ships passing in the night but when together without the stress, pressure get on really well.

I'd even consider employing a cleaner even if it's once a fortnight, to take some pressure off of you as well, to feel normal instead of a Mother, in the meantime.

And, I know he won't open up, but you have to make him see. Or else he's lost you. Put pictures of that getaway from September if you have any on the coffee table. Hire that cleaner. Think honestly, sometimes it's part of "us" as well. We are resentful and so, we are not tender. ie) He comes home from work and you rub his head, stating " long day, I know love"... I don't think we appreciate how emotional men are as well, that the ones that think they have to be tough hold it in, their emotions. We can break that by forgetting ourselves for one minute and reversing the thought pattern and being there for them, a last ditch effort I guess and seeing from doing that, what transpires.

[CheekyNess]

when we get married there are so many things we should sacrifice,one of that is the thing we likes to do. its your choice if you stick to that relationship or maybe your husband is a possessive type.

Why do we have to sacrifice the things that we like to do in order to be in a marriage??