[jen1447]

Don't be silly, you didn't ruin anything. You gave her the love she wanted from you while seeking out the love you wanted from her. There's nothing wrong with that.

You have no choice but to be strong here hon. No time for self pity. Woman up. Everything will be okay, one way or another.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Before you met your husband you were depressed with no hope.
Before Kiyomi met you she was depressed with no hope.

Your husband more than likely actually knows this, he certainly knows how you were and nurtured you, as you have with Kiyomi and you both are stronger than you think as a result.

Take the sex out of it. Women bond, she's being rejected at home for who she is, tell her you are also her "friend" and she his a highly important friend and you are there, if she needs a hug, give her one and be proud of the friendship you have also offered her. The last thing she needs is more rejection. Take the sex out of it and be there as her friend for now because that is love too .

[Patti-here]

Your right, it is my responsibility. She never started the affair, her actions were always correct. It was me that went to her, you might even say I seduced her. Sure, she was a willing partner but not until I started it. I've ruined her life and I don't see any way to fix it.

I've broken 4 of the 5 precepts that I've sworn to live by. Maybe I should get drunk and make that all 5.

Shh, it takes 2 to tango sweetie.

[effy2014]

Your right, it is my responsibility. She never started the affair, her actions were always correct. It was me that went to her, you might even say I seduced her. Sure, she was a willing partner but not until I started it. I've ruined her life and I don't see any way to fix it.

I've broken 4 of the 5 precepts that I've sworn to live by. Maybe I should get drunk and make that all 5.

You need to stop accepting responsibility for everything that happens in life. The feelings were mutual and it happened. You didn't force her into anything. I'm puzzled why you think that you've ruined her life? You most certainly did not.

She is staying for the time being. In fact, she is far far better with you than in Japan with her family. You and your husband have provided her with a home.

You never know what will happen. I believe that you will make it work.

[Little]

Chaya, I'm really glad to hear that you were able to come clean to your husband and that things appear to be on the up for now. His reaction to your strong emotions sounds really honest and heartfelt - a kind of reaction he hasn't always been so prone to. I think that bodes well for your marriage.

I want to encourage you to continue expressing your emotions here - whether they are positive or negative. Personally I feel better when I purge the bad feelings (through words or just going ahead and thinking about them - a lot.) This is a complicated situation that is sure to have you thinking in a lot of conflicting directions that don't necessarily make sense when viewed all together.

By sleeping with someone outside of your marriage, you did something you judge to be "bad." It's ok to judge yourself that way and consider your action bad; it's not very fair to try to convince you otherwise when we all know that society at large would probably agree your action was "bad." However, having come to known you over some time, we know you're not a bad person who goes around routinely doing bad things or trying to hurt people. In fact, we know you go out of your way to cater to the needs of others and make them happy! You're the kind of person I would be happy to call a friend in real life So while I think that diving into a little self loathing can be the dive that helps you pull up and fly, don't forget that you have to pull up!

I'm hoping that this situation resolves positively for all of you <3

[chaya]

Chaya, I'm really glad to hear that you were able to come clean to your husband and that things appear to be on the up for now. His reaction to your strong emotions sounds really honest and heartfelt - a kind of reaction he hasn't always been so prone to. I think that bodes well for your marriage.

I want to encourage you to continue expressing your emotions here - whether they are positive or negative. Personally I feel better when I purge the bad feelings (through words or just going ahead and thinking about them - a lot.) This is a complicated situation that is sure to have you thinking in a lot of conflicting directions that don't necessarily make sense when viewed all together.

By sleeping with someone outside of your marriage, you did something you judge to be "bad." It's ok to judge yourself that way and consider your action bad; it's not very fair to try to convince you otherwise when we all know that society at large would probably agree your action was "bad." However, having come to known you over some time, we know you're not a bad person who goes around routinely doing bad things or trying to hurt people. In fact, we know you go out of your way to cater to the needs of others and make them happy! You're the kind of person I would be happy to call a friend in real life So while I think that diving into a little self loathing can be the dive that helps you pull up and fly, don't forget that you have to pull up!

I'm hoping that this situation resolves positively for all of you <3

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Should I continue to be with Kiyomi when my husband isn't home? Should I just wait and see what happens? If I continue to be with Kiyomi should I tell my husband? Is my husband's acceptance of my cheating permanent, or will he come to realize how much I betrayed him? All this uncertainty is driving me mad.

[Baboy]

Chaya, cut yourself some slack. You are beating up on yourself when no one else is. Those most important to you have decided you don't need it, so you should not feel any need to be hard on yourself.

Yes, continue to be with Kiyomi. I believe both you and your husband have asked her to stay and it appears that she wants to stay, although I admit I have not read all of the very long sequence of posts to this thread. So don't ask her to stay, then appear aloof. Rather, affirm the bond.

Although I cannot speak for your husband, I can speak for me as a guy and a husband. If I were in your husband's shoes and felt betrayed, I think the time of any feeling of betrayal would most certainly manifest itself at the time the "betrayal" came to light. Here, when the facts came to light, your husband did not see it as a betrayal. He was loving and accepting. I am convinced he is very unlikely to revisit the matter at a later date and radically change his thinking to re-define it as a betrayal. If anything, he is likely to become more comfortable with the peace and stability the revelation of the truth has wrought, rather than hostile.

[effy2014]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Should I continue to be with Kiyomi when my husband isn't home? Should I just wait and see what happens? If I continue to be with Kiyomi should I tell my husband? Is my husband's acceptance of my cheating permanent, or will he come to realize how much I betrayed him? All this uncertainty is driving me mad.

Unfortunately, life doesn't have a script to follow. The best thing to do is follow your heart and consider what Kiyomi needs and wants. If the two of you need the connection, continue with what you are doing.

As for your husband, I would not have another conversation. You told him and he accepted the situation. Had he wanted it to stop, he would have said so and he certainly would not have helped get Kiyomi to stay. It seems to me that he likes what it did sexually for he and you in bed. Trying to convince him that he really didn't understand the depth of your feelings is counterproductive for you and Kiyomi. If your husband becomes upset by it, he will let you know.

[Little]

I suggest frank communication to treat your uncertainty. I don't think it's safe to assume he's okay with continued sexual relations with Kiyomi or that he fully understands the situation. Tell your husband that you have romantic feelings for Kiyomi and that if you continue to have contact with her, you would like to continue your sexual (and romantic) relationship. If he's okay with all this, it's an easy conversation and you can be sure that he agreed to the terms you're setting out. If he's not okay with it, then you had a needed conversation and can work together to find a solution. You may find it's somewhere in the middle - maybe he's only ok with you two being sexual when he's not at home ... or only when he is. Perhaps he'd like to be in the dark, or maybe he'd like to know all about it.

As for Kiyomi, did she ever return to your home? Has she agreed to stay? Does she want to continue the relationship now that your husband knows about it and may have given his stamp of approval? If she wants to continue, how much involvement from your husband is she willing to allow?

Though I've never engaged in it, I assume that polyamory is a difficult arrangement and takes some honesty and communication between the partners. So get talking.

[jen1447]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Should I continue to be with Kiyomi when my husband isn't home? Should I just wait and see what happens? If I continue to be with Kiyomi should I tell my husband? Is my husband's acceptance of my cheating permanent, or will he come to realize how much I betrayed him? All this uncertainty is driving me mad.

Aw sweetheart, if the uncertainty's driving you mad, you have to get rid of the uncertainty, right? Here's some more food for thought ....

It seems to me like the main issue here is that your hubs doesn't fully understand the extent of your relationship with Kiyomi. He thinks you were having sex as a response to loneliness or something along those lines, when I don't think I'm mistaken to say that in reality you're in love with Kiyomi and the sex was just something two people who are in love do - great sex at that. That explains everything - your uncertainty, your hubs' easy-going reaction, and Kiyomi's heartache. She thinks she's lost you because nothing was really resolved with the love triangle situation and she sees your hubs happy and content and staying, so what does that leave for her? Seconds? Honestly I think you're feeling similar heartbreak. And hubs doesn't feel particularly threatened because everything seems 'okay' and his wife just had a freaky affair - the kind that many men fantasize about.

So the answer - you have to tell him just exactly what the deal is. Another talk where you say "I'm in love with Kiyomi and I want to spend my life with her" or something to that effect. Without that you'll keep feeling uncertain, and why shouldn't you? You did a very brave thing by coming clean, but you did it only half of the way. Finish the job hon.