[golden_nemesis]

!

Have you told him this? That you are looking for ways to remove your sex drive totally, so it never exists? Do you really think that if you did, you wouldn't need a cuddle, or to be kissed? That has nothing to do with sex, that has to do with wanting to feel loved?

Sure, your child is important.... But if you ever left, it would not be because you weren't getting sex, it would be because you weren't getting "love", .... And, so, your relationship was 'in-compatible".. is the reason why and he will always be in your son's life.. things happen.

Do you really think if you found a way to do this, what you are asking, and spent the next 15 years never being kissed, hugged, held, (forget the sex) that you will be capable of giving "love" to your son? Or will you condition your mind that love does not exist in this capacity and therefore, become numb.. Do you know see how this will effect your child?

Do you also not see the depression rubbing off onto your son?

CW

I also want to point out that it is not just a father figure that your son will need. He needs to see two people who love and care for each other, who touch and kiss and act comfortable with each other. If he never sees the two of you showing affection for each other, he will likely have intimacy issues for the rest of his life because he had no role models for intimacy!

[jss2000]

Since we're discussing whether Cassie should stay in a marriage that has no sex and little (if any) fun as a family, I'd like to add a different viewpoint.

I have a pro-marriage bias (except in cases of abuse). Just so you know. And I'm only 26, so maybe I'm biased and naive.

It seems some are saying low sex desire (along with some unsavory hygeine habits and inadequate education about female sexuality and family relationships) are something *very* serious, perhaps on the level of abuse. If that's the idea, then I disagree. Here's why--a commonly accepted definition of spouse abuse is systematic, repeated harm, inflicted for the sake of gaining power and control. So my question is, is Cassie's hubby refusing sex for the sake of gaining power and control?

Voice your opinions--but I say no, it's not about power and control-- the man just doesn't want to be bothered--for some reason sex is a sore subject for him. Yes, there's probably some resentment involved, and he may be retaliating for what he seeas as grievances (not a healthy reaction in any relationship). But the way I see it, this is not a plot to make Cassie unhappy.

"But," you say, "it's totally unfair for him to expect a)sex on his schedule, b)sex the way he wants it, and c) that Cassie won't complain about it." I completely agree--it is unfair. And it's far from what anyone signs up for in marriage. But then again, he didn't sign up for all the arguing, the pressure to make love, or health problems. He probably thinks this is all very unfair, too.

As we all post our posts about how wrong this is (again, not saying I disagree), and how Cassie ought to hit the road... I just wonder, are we missing some of the fantastic points made earlier in the post??? People can change. There are multiple ways to arriving at physical intimacy--ones that may not have been tried. People need motivation to change. Resolving chronic arguments involves resisting the urge to accuse your spouse of intentionally ruining your life. And so on--it's a lot of advice, and it can be hard to put it all together. Get professional help if you need it.

Abusive spouses *do* intentionally ruin people's lives. That's when you run. But this guy sounds irritated and a little out of touch with family values. That's a far different matter. Sure, it's going to take work on his part to change. But can't he, with loving support? Is there hope for a beautiful (and sexy) marriage and a happy family life? For both of you? It sounds a *little* hasty to say, as some have, that these are unresolvable issues. There are lots of resources out there, including this blog. (Props to other posters for good information).

[rcoreyus]

I think that marriage can be viewed as a sort of contract between two people. Whether said as part of the marriage vows, or just assumed I think it means:

1. You put the welfare and happiness of your spouse before your own.

2. You will support them in all things, before all others. (If they do something so terrible that you can't support them, then the marriage has failed).

3. You will share lifes's joys sorrows and responsibilities to the best of each of your abilities.

He is failing #1.

I haven't heard anything about #2.

He is shirking #3 by pointing out that the kids are not his.

Its is true that some people change, but this person seems to need to change just about everything.

[jss2000]

Your point is well taken, rcoreyus. I think marriage implies each of those ideals.

Where the list of obligations gets more sticky IMO is the way one spouse evaluates whether the other spouse has fulfilling them. It is easy to call a spouse's behavior (e.g., refusing sex) a rule violation (e.g., putting you first in their lives). However, as in this case, Cassie's husband could just as fairly say that Cassie's behavior (asking for sex) violates those ideals. Who is right and who is wrong? Or is it not about being right vs. wrong--maybe more about "how can we make this a happy marriage for both of us?"

Secondly, I agree that he *should* be accepting fatherhood with open arms. But the fact is he doesn't. And it may not be an intentional violation. Does he have deep-seated misgivings about being a part of his kids' lives? How can they be compassionately understood? Resolved?

Again, this is my work-with-it bias. I have no proof that there isn't more that can be done here. I agree with the things you stated are important, and I think that there's an abundance of hope to think that with the right strategy they can (although only gradually) come into realization.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

jss2000
Abusive spouses *do* intentionally ruin people's lives. That's when you run. But this guy sounds irritated and a little out of touch with family values.

I agree, but what if a person "lies?"... and then doesn't live up to what he claimed, in order to gain the person in their lives?

I can see, sex education needed for him, as well as marriage counseling, and I can see that Cassie, "chose" this relationship based on lies and yes, she is wanting a baby and yes, she has a high sex drive and yes, she is badgering him for sex when she should be chilling a little, as he is injured and so counselling may help her.

But it is Cassie who stated she "would run if she won a lottery"... Not people here that said leave, she says it herself.

Here are some things from her posts to consider:-

1. When I first met him, he claimed to be as horny as me.
2. He told me he was tactile and spontaneous
3. He told me that he was in a previous relationship for 4 years and that person refused him sex, so he masturbated 4 times a day.


So, Cassie, got engaged after 6 months, believing she was marrying a guy that was horny, loved sex, was tactile, spontaneous and masturbated so he must love sex right?

Although, once the relationship started to develop, she noted that this was not the case, but he stated he was tired as to the reason.. So, she believed this and believed that this person who is tactile and spontaneous and loves sex, will come about. She married him, 6 months into the relationship with this belief.

Did therefore her husband lie? In accordance with what she has stated, yes. Is this a good foundation for a marriage? Worth counselling?


4. He told me, he prefers to masturbate, and will take as much as I can give him in that department.

5. He says that oral is disgusting, he has never done it and never will, it makes him sick.

6. He says French kissing is disgusting, and he refuses to be intimate in kissing.

7. He says sex with her is immoral and it turns him off to touch her...

8...He says toys are disgusting and make him feel sick.

Is this again, the words of the person whom said " I am tactile, I love sex, spontaneity? " Or, the lier that stated this at the beginning, to then show his cards of what he is really like sexually?

And, so someone who "claimed to be tactile, loves sex", says, Cassie needs a drug to calm her sex drive.

Did he not know that she was a very sexual person when he met? Yes, he did, he claimed to her on the first date that he was just like that too...

Was Cassie's first husband controlling and non-attentive sexually? Yes, so would Cassie have gone into this relationship if she thought she was going to not get sex again, have the same problem? No... Hence why she checked it out at the beginning and was "told" that he was very sexual, by him.... Lies.

9. He says she smells.
10. He says their not my kids.

Is that not abuse?

Then he feels depressed, in-adequate, says he's a failure, loves her, and that she's wanted.

So, in my opinion, he lied to her to start with and she fell for it, married him, wants to love him, he knows he lied, and is trying to change the way she is, to suit his needs, give him blow jobs, but he will not precipitate , for 1 example.

Where Cassie also went wrong, in my opinion is this statement:-

" He was the only man willing to take on my kids"....

And, so she married him, in hope.

But, where also did she get this idea from? If your willing to take on some one's children you don't turn around and say " I am not the father of your children, don't forget that" reminding her all the time?

This is a classic case of possession... I want you and therefore I will lie to get you and once I have, once your married to me, then you do it my way, or you know where the door is.

And, "it's a woman's job to clean the house", is it? Or again is that just abuse of a relationship..

She paid for everything, and now she is paying the price.

Bottom line?

She was lied to at the beginning and is desperate for the life she thought that she would have, a husband, a father to her teenagers and a new baby, lots of sex and kissing, intimacy......all that he stated, to get her......

Frankly, in my "opinion", I absolutely agree, marriages take work, get counselling, work through things, etc, etc,

Here, I see a man whom lied to get a wife and a wife who was led to believe she would live happily ever after with the basic ingredients as to what she was after in a marriage, only to be lied to... It was never going to be.

That is unforgivable, sorry.

The bottom line is, if he really loves her? Then he has to say, sorry I lied, your right to be mad at me, I will get sex councelling and see where this goes, your important.

But, he won't as he finds it all discusting... Always has, always will... He lied.

CW

[Guest]

ok...so he comes up with a million excuses why he cant give it up...
he wont watch porn..
he wont give oral,but will receive it?

this doesnt sound right.

[rcoreyus]

If I step back from right / wrong and fault, I still thing Cassie would be happier with someone else. I think her husband would be happier as well. From what I have seen, I do not think there is any chance of a good relationship.

If it was just one thing. If he just didn't want sex, but everything else was fine, that would be bad, but it might still work. But there are so many problems. I just don't see any reason for her to stay with this man.

[cassie66]

thanks folks forall your imput

last he saidi could touch him, so i g to totouvh him andthen he says ouch the nerve pain is now in my privates get off!
his bosses came and just asked him a few questions and said dont come back until your 100% fit,thats ok them sayting that, work wont pay sick pay for ever and its not enough money to survive on long term
he went to the physio, he never actually toched hs back! he asked questions and did refelexesandaskedhim to move his legs etcand told himto do excercises ie lie on tummy on a pillow andpush yourself uphehas to do this several times a day was told this could help and he has to go backnext frid.also told him this is a lentghy process its def siactica and could take 6 months! hubbys face dropped! hubby wants to go back to work, he is now in a quandray, because ifhe goes back to soon,andthe pain returns, and ifhe is off work agian there will be no money at all! andifhe stays off longer, stilllosing money but gets some sick pay, then goes back who saysd the minute he starts lifting he wont aggrivate the injury and back to square one? its a catch 22 situation

he is also under my feet lol andi d like some me time i get no time alone aswhere ever i go he follows i cannot even send a text or chat on phoner without him listening in he haseven been on my pc and chekced all my emails and msn! not that i have any freinds now.

yes he does say he loves mewhen i ask. he has now said he has changed hismind about havingkids! saying there bloodsucking parasites who take all your money and i fi get pregnnat id have to have an abortion! i dont think theres much chance of that!

nowhis injury seems to be affecting our sex life or lack of one! can the nerve pain really extendto the penis?
i have also read horoscopes and stars can play a l0t in reationships is that rubbsih? as he is a capricorn and shows a lotof capricorn traits and im a gemini i am very emotional and easily get upset, but im honest totally open and have a heart of goldive always been generous with anything i had.
i dofeel trapped at the moment
i dont quite know what to do

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cass.... your in denial, that's ok..

You never ever answer anything that we spend like 1hr, writing, talking about, thinking about YOU.......

Now he will NOT let you have his child?

Guess what? That is why he doesn't want sex.... simple...

Hard as that is, I am telling you....................

That is why.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh that sounded harsh..

Sorry, I know you want so much for this to work but please read Corey's answer , response and mine..

Your a special person , your 41? You have dreams...

That's all I am saying.

CW