[CHANDLERS WISH]

AND HONESTLY FOR HIM I AM READY TO KILL MY FEELING OF SEX DRIVE...instead of ruining my, his and kid's life its better to kill the desire... God has left me wid NO choices... the BIG question here is HOW TO DO IT....MAN... its so painful i swear...!!

!

Have you told him this? That you are looking for ways to remove your sex drive totally, so it never exists? Do you really think that if you did, you wouldn't need a cuddle, or to be kissed? That has nothing to do with sex, that has to do with wanting to feel loved?

Sure, your child is important.... But if you ever left, it would not be because you weren't getting sex, it would be because you weren't getting "love", .... And, so, your relationship was 'in-compatible".. is the reason why and he will always be in your son's life.. things happen.

Do you really think if you found a way to do this, what you are asking, and spent the next 15 years never being kissed, hugged, held, (forget the sex) that you will be capable of giving "love" to your son? Or will you condition your mind that love does not exist in this capacity and therefore, become numb.. Do you know see how this will effect your child?

Do you also not see the depression rubbing off onto your son?

CW

[sobie]

Yes every time v fight on ths topic i tell him that ive been luking for ways to kill ma desire....but there aint any... secondly i completely agree wid u CW tht i can never ever get rid of my feeling of being loved through a simple hug or kiss

BUT i belong to a different part of the world... and still i took stand for ths guy since ma family never liked him but i insisted and made them agree. I dont know....m confused may be... or may be in too much pressure from many sides... what i know is if i get separated i can easily support myself and my child without any outer source but what than....will i be looking for another guy....what if he is not perfect either.... so many questions arise in mind...!!

ur right CW and i wish i could take decision that easily... thats why its better to just live like a gf and bf before getting into relation... relation is a bound, a jail.

i am not letting my baby get any part of our depressions, he is the only source of simple n clear love for me...
when m too down, rejected, i just cry and try to soothe ma self whtever it takes... i sound like a looser may be i am one.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

As not to hi-jack this thread, I will just say YOU ARE NOT A LOSER...

We all make wrong decisions in life, mis-judge... It's part of life... You will work out what is best, as the questions un-fold.

CW

[cassie66]

sobie m hubby is similar to yours
yes i climbling the walls
i have very little time fo myself always a kid or 3 abount,and i cannot use a tooy while hubby here i did it when he was at work
his back was a lot better yesterday, but we still didnt have sex, he said he was tired, even though yesterday morn he said we l try tonight, so last night went to bed early i approached him and he said dont start, im tired, howcan i not take that personally? i had tears in my eyes, if he seesme crying, he just says itsemotionalblackmail to get my own way. not true i just like to be close and intimate with my hubby

heshould be back at worj in 8 days, prrovideig he doesnt get yet another docs sick note.

[jss2000]

Cassie,
In our culture, men are expected to be the more highly sexed partner. So it's a threat to a man's masculinity when he begins to notice that he's *not* that interested in sex.

I HIGHLY recommend you get a copy of "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michelle Weiner-Davis, a sex therapist with years of experience with couples who find themselves in the same kind of intimacy gridlock that you and your husband are in. The book is meant to be read by both partners, and should be reassuring to both your husband and you. Even better, it offers solutions for him (how to break out of his sexual funk) and you (how to give your husband room to do this, be supportive, communicate what you are interested in, those sorts of things).

Hope this helps.

[cassie66]

im not sure he would read a book. he seeems a lot better thismorniing but still no sex he s playing a game upstairs!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I started a post very similar to this a while back and I am still dealing with this problem (for about 6 months now). Chandler's Wish, your post has helped me because I have been struggling with the idea of breaking up with my bf for a long time. I tell myself that breaking up with someone because he won't have sex with me is selfish, but I guess we all have to be selfish at times. I'm tired of pestering, begging, and doing whatever I can to turn him on. I've straight out asked him to please me instead, but he has refused. CW's suggestion of holding sex as a mean of control hits home to me. I believe that as long as I keep pointing out our lack of intimacy, he will continue to withhold it. He promised me intimacy on valentines day, and when the day came, he told me he didn't want to have sex because we had previously talked about it. The hardest part about it is knowing that I use to give him bj's and sex even when I wasn't in the mood. There were days when I absolutely hated sex, but I still gave in without complaint. Why can't we all ask the same from them?

missyann

I believe that as long as I keep pointing out our lack of intimacy, he will continue to withhold

it.

missyann
The hardest part about it is knowing that I use to give him bj's and sex even when I wasn't in the mood. There were days when I absolutely hated sex, but I still gave in without complaint. Why can't we all ask the same from them?[/

I am not sure sweet, on where the controlling begins? A hatred for women, they are all..... a fear of intimacy / love........disrespect, the way regarding women, they were bought up........ but it's one of the three....and there are branches obviously from these 3.

I believe what is important in understanding is this:-

1.. You are human, you are important
2.. Love is a two way street
3..Abuse is rejection - NO... Is the word used....
5.. Abuse is It's your fault stated on-going always.... - so you feel bad
6..Abuse is "when you are nice I will, is stated to you, pertaining to any intimacy". - or on any closeness what so ever ---- pushing you away further, whilst making you think it's you..... your fault.... YOURS.


Don't allow someone to take away your self esteme...

YOU are whom you are..

He/she accepts you for who you are...

Don't take any abuse.......

Recognise it or seek the answers if even a doubt.....

It takes a long time ( not talking personally, some experience but not to this extent at all, by no means), but in general, it takes a long time to re-gain confidence, grow again, feel again.... Don't let anyone, ever, take it away and make excuse after excuse, but, but, but, he's nice, if only, he cares, blah blah and then, express 1) thing that he does you don't like which actually happens to be around 5 or more, most times, when people continue with their threads, and share more.

It's hard to see the writing on the wall... Are you reading it right?

CW

[cassie66]

i didnt get anything on valentines day either even though he said we would try. he said he was tired.

[jss2000]

Cassie,
I wasn't too hopeful that my wife would read that particular book (she's the less-interested one in our marriage). To my surprise, she did--and I think she found it reassuring--the book really validated her own feelings of frustration. At the same time, I think she was motivated to change, and we've seen some improvement in being able to talk about sex in a positive way.
Not that a book is the only way to go--there have been some great things said in this thread already about how to communicate w/your hubby--in a way that is safe for both of you.
Oh, also--I checked Amazon, and this author (Weiner-Davis) recently published a new book directed to wives of men who have little interest in sex--"The Sex-Starved Wife." It seems to have pretty positive reviews.
Best wishes--

[cassie66]

i can try but i think he would laugh ifi got a book andim not sure he will read it
the kids went out and i asked if we could go to the bedroom, he gave me a funnylook and said no harshly and went back to play more games