[cassie66]

thank you
i really dont know at this moment in time tthats the truth. if i didnt have kids it would be so muc easier, even though my can kids can be apainin the butt lol id never abandon them.
hubby said last night once there 18 he is kicking them out! he knows if middle daughter doesnt getinto 6th form or get ajob we cannot afford the rent on this place know more. we having to use somee of csa to help pay rent

my first hubby was ablind date i hadlittle expereince with menand was nieve. he slowly destroyed my self eteem and i lost all freinds.

im now starting to feelresentful to hubby as its alwaysmy debit card we use whe ever he wants something.
i got24k from my divorce sttlement in dec 2006 i used most ofit to fund contents of house and honeymoon. aslo booked afamily holiday but compnay xl wnt bust soim i put a claimin 4months ago and im still awaiting tye return of my 3, 676 pounds.

him been at hme is driving me nuts.
i cannot help my smell belowhe doesnt seem to smell at all and never washes!
i dnt know what moodhe is inuntili go upstrair in amo

heis taking me to see my dad todayi havent seen him is nce bf my op. i feeltotally dependent on hubby which i hate

i feel like ive lost my freedeom, although he sd never stop medoing anything.
first hubby made me feel like i lved in a prison
sorry for spelling mistakes.

my mind is in turmoilat the moment

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know hun... It's wierd.. I have helped so many people not here, just in general..

Seems, we go from one disaster to the other hey?

You are loved here, whilst that sounds way weird, cause it's an internet site, it's true....

You are suffering, down, sad, upset, and need us and know we are here.

my first hubby was ablind date i hadlittle expereince with menand was nieve. he slowly destroyed my self eteem and i lost all freinds

Well, I don't know why we "chose" in general woman, the same type of person hey? And, we stay nieve.... He did destroy your self esteme and you lost friends, and this guy is no different... It's kind of like they smell it? No punt intended lol, ( did you laugh) ok so this decided to post before I finished, so i will post this and say a bit more ok...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

heis taking me to see my dad todayi havent seen him is nce bf my op. i feeltotally dependent on hubby which i hate

i feel like ive lost my freedeom, although he sd never stop medoing anything.
first hubby made me feel like i lved in a prison
sorry for spelling mistakes.

You stopped your job...because of him, so you kind of feel helpless... He wants to keep good with your Dad, he's not taking you there, for you but for him, OMG, I know that sounds horrible, but he told you he wants his money when he is gone babe.

You told him about your past with your ex before you married him?

About feeling like you were in prison?

He doesn't have to stop you if so, it's kind of like writing on the wall......

Hypothetically, if you left, where would you go? What would you do? How would you, in your minds eye, survive?

How do you see that?

CW

[WildChild]

We do this, I have. Work at changing, not making the same mistakes and then realize that in some way we are in a similar situation, perhaps a little better but not radically different.

Your kids aren't his and he obviously isn't attached to them so that is not a reason to stay. He isn't working, even if he brings in some income from disabilty or some sort of umemployment coverage, what kind of example does this set for your kids? You don't feel empowered. HE won't empower you, you have to do it and it doesn't sound like you will do as long as you have a man in your life at least not in the same household. DO you really want his baby or somewhere in your mind is there the idea that will change him, make him more caring, draw him close, open him up to caring about your children and you? It won't.

Get employed, start empowering yourself, moving toward independence, it will be good for you whether you stay with him or not. No Babies, not until you have the life you want started, then you may find that isn't your desire any more. You can do this, you know in your heart what you have now isn't what you want or deserve.

[jss2000]

Cassie,

Sex issues aside... in how many other areas of your marriage do you see yourself as being an equal partner with your husband? By equal I mean that the two of you have some consensus on what your goals are, and that you value each others' thoughts and feelings in making family decisions?
OR, in how many areas of your marriage are you working toward different goals, and not talking openly about this fact? Here are few examples:

(Hope I'm not making too many assumptions here)

Finances--You can't be a two-some when it comes to this bedrock issue of marriage. It sounds like you two have separate bank accounts--true?--what for? Married couples (who have the basic trust marriage is built on) often have a single spending account and agree on (essentially) how it will be handled. I suppose you could use some other arrangement--but trust and agreement are still key.

It's interesting that your husband uses your debit card--which makes you sound more like a BF and GF, where BF is freeloading. Do you know what your marriage's financial goals are? Does he? Have you two talked about a family budget--planning your income vs. expenses?

Basic Privacy--Why is he reading your emails? Are you free to do your everyday business without him demanding to know? I'm all for spouses having a genuine interest in the other's activities, and keeping secrets is a red flag that something's amiss... but please, when he starts demanding this information you two need to have a talk about this. Does he really want to control the details of your life, or is this all just a misunderstanding? If the first is true, perhaps you should assert some boundaries here.

Parenting--No need to go here. You've already talked about how you two are on different planets when it comes to plans for your children.

General Plans for Continuing the Marriage--Have you ever asked him why he plans to continue being married to you? Does he want you and your companionship? Or does he just want the conveniences of being married? (I take it you cook for him, clean the house for him, raise the kids for him) Does he know why you want to continue being married to him?

A FINAL RECOMMENDATION: There are some real red flags in your husband's behavior that suggest he disregards your personal boundaries or even your basic welfare. (do others agree? is that a reasonable evaluation?)

I recently listened to a domestic violence counselor speak about how abuse starts. It virtually never starts with physical or sexual abuse. It starts with simple requests, like the boyfriend who decides he doesn't want his girlfriend to wear attractive clothing--so he tells the girlfriend that from now on he'll be going shopping with her to choose her clothes. She thinks it's kind of romantic at first... Physical and sexual abuse comes only when the other forms don't seem to be working anymore, in order to maintain power/control over the other person.

If you think this is his tendency...or if you try setting some boundaries and he does more than pout or get upset... that is, if he makes threats or retaliates when you haven't made any attempt to control him... be warned--this may not be the kind of relationship that self-help books or a counselor can fix. Every form of marital enhancement therapy assumes mutual commitment to an equitable relationship.

If he starts making threats of any kind, when you are trying to have a civil discussion about marital issues, know that this is not normal. Call your local law enforcement agency. Ask to contact a domestic violence counselor. Consult with a DV counselor--he or she can tell you whether or not your relationship is heading in a dangerous direction, along with providing help finding employment and protection if needed.

If he pouts but doesn't retaliate when you start discussing areas of change, well then, Lord bless you--if you want to, keep trying to work out your misunderstandings and make your life goals together in a way that's worthy of the marriage name.

What do others think?

[rcoreyus]

I agree with jss2000. I'm hearing a lot of things that are scary.

Cassie - tell us something good about your husband. I know there is a tendency to talk only about the bad, tell us what makes him worth your love and your life.

[WildChild]

I had sciatica about two years ago. It is painful but not excessively - of course everyone is different. It slowed down my running a bit and I moved carefully sometimes but my Chiropractor told me to go ahead and run my usual distances. I was treated by a bio-physical Chiropractor and took about 6 months to fully resolve, no problems since. Unless there is something else going on with it I don't see why it would be laying him so badly. It did slow me down a bit but sure didn't bring me to a halt.

He sounds very sexually manipulative. Telling you, you can touch him - the big treat, then essentially pushing you away? The more you tell the less acceptable it gets. R is right, can you tell us anything good about him or the relationship? BTW, they are your kids and it is Your home too - they are welcome as long as you say so.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Repeat after me " I am beautiful"... did you say it? You better have..

Cassie how you feeling today?

I know your totally confused at the moment reading everyone's thoughts but there is definately eliments of "control" in your relationship, like your last one.

There is definately eliments of "abuse" in your relationship like your last one.

As, I said before, I can see you on that first date, and the second, and the third, where he told you how sexual he was, cause you both discussed ( as you should) compatibility. You wanted to make sure this time, you found someone LIKE YOU that you could love yes?

I can see, that you conversed as well regarding your ex-husband and what he did, and how he bought you down with no self esteme and you were worried that no one would have you, and you were worried for your children and he said " don't worry I will look after your children and you"..

And, at some point you discussed the payout you got from your Husband, $24k.... and at some point you cried to him about losing your Mother, and off course he met your father, or that was discussed as well in passing how he is old and disabled....

I want you to seriously not read anything but close your eyes for 2 minutes, think.. Remember those first couple of months, am I right? Did he say all those things? Did you think wow, and feel great?

DID HE LIE?
DO YOU THINK HE ANALYSED YOU?
DO YOU THINK HE USED YOU IS USING YOU?
NOW NOT GIVING YOU A THING, NOTHING....
DEGRADING YOU JUST LIKE YOUR EX - HUSBAND DID?

Again, what can you do about it... You and your kids deserve to be happy , your 41, you deserve that baby with a man that loves you.....

What can YOU do about it.

Instead of saying he won't give you sex, what work can you get, it's your house, are your kids happy, could they be in a different life than this one, and what about you can you be?

YES.

YOU CAN..

CW

How do you truly feel about that?

[cassie66]

hello
i will try ad answer allof your questions i dont have much time alone to type
whn first met hubby no 2 yes he is so diff from hubby no 1 he is 6ft 2 very thin no muscle a straight up and down type build he is good looking black hair clean shaven well he is whej he could be bothered to shave. yes of course i told him all about my ex family etc and probs as you do. he took me out and did seem to show an interest in sex etc
we do have separete bank accounts asi did with first hubby, with first hubby i never had a c card debit card or cheque book until neaing the end oif the marriage i gues i never felt the need for one he controolled the money and got us int great debt.

i feel today a little sad down i guess, hubby is happy as i have my period so he knows i wnt mention sex. he says im moody and have pms thats not true
hubby at first madebe laugh he saidwe have alot in common and get on. yes we get along butive realised we dont have that much in common
he likes old war programmes sci fi snooker etc
im into animals wwe he hates my type of music tv shows etc
i have 4 catshe has fish altthough he couldnt buy them without me

i have tried several times to get work without success i keep gettng tuned down and in turn it depresses me i feel unwanted
by trade im a qualified horse ridng instructor i was freelance i used to train and teach horse ridingnowi at home and a housewife
there are no simialr jobs here if there are they are to far away i have no car

i can still do asi please,itsjust awkward to get out he is alway here at the mo i have little money and i cannot drive i did tryi lost my nerve.

hubby thought it woulf be best if all monies comes out of my account and just keep his direct debits in his and to cover his debts

i do sometimes resent him saying i need this and that etc get your card out

sicne i gave upmy job and stayed at hoimeand having the cyst of course i have gained weight that get sme down to i feel frumpy

ive lost teh fresh air and exercise.

i was lonely when i divorced,and did hate living alone but just coulnt find a decent man

ive been with hubby 16month marriedonly 6m and i paid for all weddig honeymoon spending money etc

h

[cassie66]

sorry i was cut short hubby just walked in room