[cassie66]

i do try and asnwer your questions. i assume he is awake

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know sweet, but you need to read, not just express...

Your a beautiful person you do know that hey?

CW

[cassie66]

i will do sorry
am i ? thanks

i feel kinda down today. i wentup to see him and he just said ouch my leg knee back etc so i knew i woudnt get any so i just said can i have a kiss please touch me and he ecreamed leave me alone thats all you think about not true at at he said im touchy thats rich coming from him. i just wanted a kiss

[cassie66]

i am listening to you all really i am i am grateful forwhat you say. i just dnt knowquite what to do

[Hopeless Dork]

Hi cassie ! The space thing.. have you thought about giving that a go yet? I see pretty much each day is same result when you go in attempt to get affection, have you gone a couple days yet of just backing off? Its hard, I know you have to be feeling starved for it, but you got to think about the result, what you are doing now, daily is not getting a result - its not changing. He is still hurting, you are still being rejected, and its happening so often it has got to be taxing to you emotionally.

I really really would suggest giving him a little time without even going in for that kiss. Sucks, but you said you are not going anywhere - you don't want to leave - you want to work it out no matter what you said you won't move your kids. We understand that, but that being the case, for your own benefit - while he is not doing anything but reject and make you feel bad ..maybe backing off of trying to get sexual or even any physical contact from him for at least a few days might give him something to think about.

He's gotten to expect it, his frustration grows as does yours, he hears you coming up the stairs and knows you are going to want sex, your going to want a kiss (all things expected in a healthy relationship, mind you - I am not saying you are wrong for wanting these things) but I can almost feel him roll his eyes as you enter, hes waiting for it .. yep you do it - he then gets to make you feel bad and say to get away. Give yourself a few days vacation from that pain and just go on up , talk, without touch, without asking for it. See if that makes it more suprising and interesting when you do it later.

[Ashlee T.]

I look back at your posts and see post after post after post going back months that talk about him not wanting to have sex with you, when he does he will ONLY do missionary and traps your legs so you can't change it, that you don't have an orgasm, that he thinks you smell, your disgusting, kissing you is disgusting, toys are disgusting, touching you in that way is disgusting.

You think you have an abnormally high sex drive. I think not. I think you are a woman who WANTS to feel some sort of normalcy in your marriage. It's not normal for a man to think his wife is disgusting, so you TRY AND TRY to change that so that you'll feel normal in this clear dysfunction. You don't have an orgasm, so I highly doubt it's the actual sex youre craving. You want to be desired, you want to feel normal.

Cold hard truth, nothing about this situation is normal. You've now turned into what he views as a sex starved, attention starved maniac. A desperate woman. But THIS man doesn't care enough about YOU as a person, as a woman, as his wife to feel ANY obligation whatsoever to please you. It's not just that you're not getting sex, you're not getting love. Sex, will not fix that.

Abuse? Making a woman feel disgusting, leaving a life long "complex" in her mind...yeah it's abuse. I have a friend who's stepmother used to tell her when she was a child that she stunk. She became obsessive about her own hygiene because after a while she truly believed that she smelled. As a grown woman in a healthy relatonship, she still suffers from the idea of smelling. Yes, anytime someone in a position that is supposed to care about you, works to diminish your self esteem....abuse. It happened to me, my ex constantly told me I was too skinny, not curvy enough etc. I might've been 5 lbs lighter then (from the stress!) than I was when he met me. But I loved him, and I believed that he loved me, so I began to believe him and started obsessing over my weight. Now, I completely identify that as abuse...because 2 years later I still struggle with myself if I lose 2 lbs!

You love this man? You sure? Because from reading all your posts, it sounds like you just desperately want it to work, and you've picked out the lack of sex as your main dysfunction when it is indeed not. To me, all things considered, this man doesn't love you Cassie........the lack of sex/intimacy/romance/happiness is just a result of that. He's not happy, he has lied to you about who he is, and he intends to drag you down with him.

Quit focusing on the sex, the sex is not your issue. It's merely a tiny limb growing off a huge tree of dysfunction and unhappiness.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You love this man? You sure? Because from reading all your posts, it sounds like you just desperately want it to work, and you've picked out the lack of sex as your main dysfunction when it is indeed not. To me, all things considered, this man doesn't love you Cassie........the lack of sex/intimacy/romance/happiness is just a result of that. He's not happy, he has lied to you about who he is, and he intends to drag you down with him.

Quit focusing on the sex, the sex is not your issue. It's merely a tiny limb growing off a huge tree of dysfunction and unhappiness

Guess someone else sees the same, that's three now, although if I go back, I am sure I will count more, but just on the last two pages...

Yes, you are beautiful, the fact that occasionally you say , lol, means also you have so much to give as a person, but like BD said, this guy is slowly bringing you crumbling , you won't recognise yourself soon...

You want a baby? Then you have to move on and find someone who also wants you, a baby, sex, your children, and loves you....

The longer you stay in this abusive, (emotional abuse), relationship, the less time you have to find and besides that, you don't want to be crying every day, because your forcing an issue that is not the real issue, it's love in it's totality that you want.

CW

[rcoreyus]

Cassie, I think you don't know how wonderful life would be with someone who really loves you. Getting out of this situation will be like turning night into day, gloom into sun. When I read your posts I get a real sense of horror at your situation. The lack of sex is important, but it is not the main issue. The main issue is that he doesn't care about you.

I understand that he is in pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. If he really is too injured to do anything physically for you (and that would be very injured), he should still be telling you how much he loves and desires you, and promising to make it up to you as soon as he is out of his full body cast.

[cassie66]

thanks all. i wwilltry thenot touch go after him approach.
i am avery clean person,i do wash down below, i know women smell down there more than aman, but at least i wash my bits,he doesnt. i coudsay i put hisbehaviour down to his backache, but i cant because he s always been like this, just a little worse at the mo.
i did say tohim the other day i no you cannot make love right now but you have ahand and amouthcan you pleasure me, hejust sad no in a harsh way. said impressurising him i only asked ifhe would touch me.
i have washed below, but it makes no difference. so i shalltry to ignore him
yes i do feel starved of affection, and it hurts me very much whe he says leave me alone i dont want to be touched.

i have stress too as well as he does, i gave up my job for him and now i cannot get another he says he s bored been at home all the timewith my kids its broing for em too, but someone has to dothe washng cleaning etc.

he also keepstalking aout what he wil dowith the money whe my dad dies! i dnt think he meansit nastly. iman only chld and my mum died in 2000, i miss her terribly, she was a strong women, anyway my dad is disabled, lives alone and is 81 he hasbeen ill for years but stiull with us, he doesnt have ,much, just a small house and alittle cash, imthe sole heir, my hubby has already said well sell the house and usehis cash to pay off his debt sorry buthe is not gettng my dads cash.

i alwaysthought i was a good judge of character,caring not to make mistakes after all it was very hard for mewhen i divorced, all the dates i had were just wrong.
hubby seemed diff, diff from what he is now
his mum likes me,she has admitted he is prone to mood swings and is very stubborn andapparanlty is just like his dad hwo he has never met

i dnt think thee reasonhe is turning mer down for sexiscos he s afraid i l get pregnant, as we have hassex previous to his injury
i havent been able to get pregnant since i had my last child 14 years ago ive never used contreception.so it must be me.
i did go to the doc before my surgery and was checked out i was told all is well and i am ovulating was toldi have secondaty infertility and the only way i can be referred for fertility help isif they test hubby s pserm first toseeif its him with the prob, but off course he is now refusing to do.
maybe its a blessing and not meant to be

sorry to be a pain i just needed someone to talk to. i can only reply to you when hubby not in room
thanks i will try the ignore him approach

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Cass...

We TRULY don't think your a pain, don't take the "please, listen" as we are saying go away, we have grown fond of you and so want to help you see... And, that takes time, you are going through your own emotions over this all at the moment and things may seem kind of grey, one day they will be black and white.

So, firstly:_

I know women smell down there more than a man,

A man smells nothing at all, unless he's dirty, un-washed and then he smells like sweat, ...

A woman smells sexual, most men will admit right here, that "they love the smell" so never thing you "smell", that's what he has made you think.. Remember, he doesn't like oral... Men that love oral and the majority do, love the smell ok.. So get that out of your head.

You have been married 16 months, I am so sorry for the lose of your Mum..

So, he knew your dad was 79, 80 and disabled. It's sad hey.. When they even think about that type of thing, like how they are going to spend their money... Because, you are married... Well, he can access it when your Dad dies, if you are married, and seems he has an agenda there don't you think? Always has maybe?

I am so pleased that you have re-read what we are writing and clarrifiying in your mind what you think about somethings that is really good... Think of us as friends, we truly are only trying to help .

I truly, believe, truly that you are worried because of what you went through before him, that you don't believe you are beautiful and that you deserve better, that you are staying because you don't know what else to do.

And, I think he knows that too.

I am not going to re-hash what I have said.. You need to see this all for yourself, in your own time.

But, your not happy, you deserve better, If I lived there, I know myself and another person here I suspect if we could? We, would come over to that house and give a little piece of words of our own.

So:-

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
YOU ARE SEXUAL
YOU DON'T SMELL YOU ARE WOMAN
YOU ARE NOT A FINANCIAL MAT FOR HIM WHEN YOUR DADDY DIES
YOU ARE A PERSON THAT DESERVES RESPECT LOVE AND AFFECTION

What you going to do?

CW