[cassie66]

ive never been able t tell my innermost feelings to my parents, there old fashioned and was always set in their ways i was closer to my mum, than dad, but she is not with us anymore. i really dnt think i can tell my dad whats really going on, he d be the type to say you may your bed you lie in etc. dadis a stubborn old man and proud when i married last august, he said to me, dnt get married agian, icant afford it

my dad lives in a small 2 bed terrace, itsnot worth a great deal,andis abit old fashioned, but he is leaving it to me. you knowhe even told me he had a funeral money account! so morbid, he said he is prepared and has £12k just to pay for hs funeral ashe knows idnt have the money, i told hubby andhe said we not spending 12k on a funeral he can have a cheap one! its n0t down to hubby to decide

i dnt know exactly howmuch my dad has saved, id never ask, all i know is he said to me he has 2 a ccounts, 1 afuneral fund and another with a bit put by as he sais for me
there isnt enough room in dads house for me and kids too small he d never let us move in, besides, its 19 miles away so no godo while kids at school.

i have thought to myself several times whati d do whe anthing happens to my dad. and i have considered moving in myself
hubby says we sell it!
i willn ot let hubby get his hands on any money i swear!

my firsthubby hid the fact he had 75k worth of debts and remorgaged the house, so when the house sold for £210k all i got was £24! even then he was bitter and blamed me!his debts not mine!

i paid for weddng and honeymoon £6, 600 and furnushed newhome ashubby was broke all he brought was his junk!

so technically allin this house is mine

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cassie you will be suprised.

Yes he was happy about you marrying again.

I said it was a small place, you couldn't do it.

But your wrong... He will let you and you can all share just for the interim and he is there, regardless of old fashioned he loves you.

Talk to him.

Trust me.


CW

[cassie66]

my dads a stubborn oldman and he d would have ag at mme im sure he reallydoesnt have any room 2beds plus he couldnt cope withmy kids and what about school?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cassie,

Unless you speak to him and tell him all, you will never know..

School? verses this rubbish man i wish i could say cr... your kids won't care, they are fed up...

They wished that they weren't there.

Your dad WILL i repeat WILL not say work your marriage out if you tell him all you have told us.

I can't say this enough

TRUST ME

[cassie66]

you think so?imputting my kids before my feelings there hapiness comes first
truely though my dad ha no room

hubbymoody with me, i bought a concert ticket few months back and cos i needed the money, ayway it sold on ebay for treble what i paid great i want to put that money in anoither account to save anyway hubby just said we can usethat money to buy 2 muscical tickets! my face dropped! i saidno! and now he is off with me and calling me stupid!
i bought the ticket so its my money to keep!

[Hopeless Dork]

Cassie, and I mean this with no offense whatsoever, you are going through enough right now and the last thing you need is anyone else making you feel upset. I think it is good for you to come here and vent, and to get support with how you are feeling, and have people offer advice for how to cope there at home.

I don't see that you are really looking to leave that relationship, and that is fine if that is not what you want. But for every idea you are given for what to do to leave, you shoot it down, and it seems you will keep having reasons you can't leave or kick him out until you are just at your wits end.

And sad as it is for the reader it just seems you are not there yet. Its frustrating for anyone reading because we feel your pain and can't stand how this man is just using the heck out of you and that you are so upset, yet won't go. And you shouldn't go, if you are not ready, but you should also be honest here and just say your not planning on leaving, so that people can quit wasting their breath with advice on that until you are ready for that...

and instead just vent, and seek help for ideas on how to cope there at home as I said above. Don't mean it bad, I have been following your story, and my heart goes out to you so very much. But in reading your story its painfully obvious that you just haven't quite reached the point your ready to let go.

There will always be an excuse to stay, always. So if you are choosing to do so, you should start seeking ways to make your life there as happy as possible, ways to not feel so hurt, ways to make your kids feel loved despite having this man fighting over canned ravioli's with them. You know what I mean? Hope it came across as I meant it. Which is I think and hope that you continue to share how you feel, but that you should also share where your really at emotionally.

I don't advocate you leaving your husband or kicking him out if you don't want to.. and just the more I read your reasons the more it seems you just don't want to. And you are the one thats living there with this guy, so the decision is yours alone. None of us know what it is to be you and in your shoes.

I guess I am just curious to know if you like to shift the dialogue away from things you can do to leave, to things that you can do to cope there the way things are?

[cassie66]

i hear what you all saying, and i am listening
i am planniing to leave, i swear, but i need a plan, i need a job and i l try save some money into another account
it wont happen overnight
my dads is not an option

it would be unfairr to remove kids from a school where they doing exams

[rcoreyus]

Cassie: Talk to a lawyer. Your husband has some income. Your father has money. I don't think the financial situation is as dire as you think. You need out of this relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cassiei hear what you all saying, and i am listening i am planniing to leave, i swear, but i need a plan, i need a job and i l try save some money into another account it wont happen overnight rcoreyusYour father has money. I don't think the financial situation is as dire as you think. I'm glad Hopeless Dork wrote what she did because last night when I walked away from this Computer and thought of the last post I wrote, I was thinking the same..... There seems to be excuses each time, and I can't think of anything else. But, then this morning, I read what you wrote and Corey. I often follow gut feeling, something that tells me inside, "say this", always have... I still maintain you need to speak to your Father, and I feel that you don't want to because of fear of failure and a tongue lashing. Where your Mother would comfort he will pick and pull to pieces. But, the reason I feel you need to speak to him are:- 1. You need family right now. 2. You don't have any friends to talk to. 3. You needs his "words of wisdom" 4. You need to see if he can help with a "plan". I believe if you said to your Father, "Dad, this marriage, he's only here to take every cent I have, including your money when you die, he has blatently told me what "he" not us but "he" intends to do with it. He takes all the kids money the Government give them for him as well and I can't stop him, I have no-where to go and no income to get out.... By telling your Father, he's money hungry and wished that he was dead and takes from your children, it's different than failure, you are sticking up for your Father and your children. I know it's scary and sure he may first react but I believe he will work something out with you, he may be able to help you with the rent for instance till you find a job and kick the husband out. Your Dad "is" an option... An option to talk.... As for plans then... How are you looking for work? What have you applied for? Do you have a resume? Have you looked at how to get to the job if you got it and home? Let's help there for now. And, stop telling him what you do with your money then there can be no arguements.... if you don't tell him about tickets that you sell, then he doesn't know. What else can you sell on e-bay? CW

[WildChild]

Good point CW! Cassie, you've indulged his whims for various items, some of which are sitting gathering dust. How much can you simplfy and get cleared out by selling? Put the cash aside, where he cannot get at it. We don't know your laws but rcoreyus is rith you should consult an attorney to find out what your rights are. Here in the US many will do an initial hour or half hour for free. If you do as much research as you can ahead and go in with a list of specific questions you should be able to get quite a bit of info and you may want want to visit more than one so that if you should have to employ one you'll havea pretty good idea who you want to work with.

You have to get focused on job hunting, when you are depressed and I'm betting you are even if you don't think so, you have difficulting acting in your own best interests. Women who are over whelmed tend to get side tracked easily as well. You need to make a plan and stick with it. For example:

Find a job (resume, job services, organize wardrobe, line up references)
Set up sep bank account that he has no access to and preferably doesn't know about.
Get a post office box or alternative mailing address
Make copies of all legal and financial documents, leave with family member or someone you can trust outside of the house (an attorney can tell you what you really need)
Start making freinds, make a goal of greeting and meeting as many neighbors and others as you can - you never know who will become a freind or who may know of a job opportunity or something else that may help you.
Get him off your credit accounts, many couples maintain separate finances.
Quit giving him money for anything.
Quit spending unless it is truly needed for yourself or your kids - try to put something aside in that sep bank account regularly
Don't trash talk your hubby or dump on everyone, just tell everyone you can that you are looking for a job and making positive changes in your life! If they meet him they'll figure out what you are up against on their own.
Invite people over, if he is rude or anything - ignore him - you need to start a social network!
Once you get employed, see if you can have your pay direct deposited to your new account and your paystubs sent to your PO box. If you need to move money to your other account get it in cash and deposit it your self (this needs to be a diff bank or he may be able to get your account info easily)
Let him know in no uncertain terms that while you are at work if he interfers with or harrasses your kids there will be heck to pay!
Think outside your box, forget what you have done in the past and instead look at the transferable skills you have.
Let your kids know that you will need their help, they can kick in to help with dishes and washing up and cooking - those are all skills they need anyway.
Get your kids out of that situation is your driving force for job hunting. Remember they very well may imitate in their lives what they've experienced from you.

This may seem like a lot bit most of it is interrelated and a lot of it you could do in one afternoon. Make a list and get started!
You can do this!