[cassie66]

no he has never hit me but him like all other men that have been in my life including my dad have shouted, ridiculed me and made me feel small and stupid
i havent told my dad cos i know he will put me down and say i told you so and the old you made your bed you got to lie in it
i was neevr closeto my dad he was very strict when i lived at home, i was closer to my mum who died in 2000. ive never been able to open up about feelings and personal stuff to anyone

rik(thats hubby) says i wind him up so badly and get him annoyed with me all over something or nothing most of the time
im seeing my dad tomorrow him is taking me but i cannot say a word dad likes him and has even said rik is the son he has never had! howcan i compete with that?

[WildChild]

So the basis of your fear is insecurity. You are like a rare jewel covered with dust and set in plastic. Only the discerning can see your hidden value. You have to reach deep inside yourself and find your strength.

Know that the shouting, the ridiculing, the put downs, the "you wind me up" are all manipulative tools to keep you down, to keep you from finding and recognizing your value. You grew up with it and now you have married more of it. Getting annoyed with you is a choice either your husband or father make. It is their way of controlling, making themselves feel strong, it is the refuge of the weak. They may appear strong to you but only because you have been trained from childhood to see this beahvior as something strong or to appease.

Cassie, it's all lies and nonsense. You have to see beyond it. Have you seen the movie The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy fears the terrible, mighty OZ, until a little dog pulls back the curtain and she sees what is really a very weak man hiding behind the illusion. That is what you are dealing with. The illusion of strength. This sort of treatment has been used for generations to keep people (particularly women) down.

Let the wind blow, let the man get "wound up". Who cares? When he does, see past your fear and his illusion to what is really there; an unwashed, ineffective, debt ridden, sexual inept, possibly pedophilistic, manipulative, immature man. You may have some compassion or pity for such a person but you don't desire or fear them!

It may be harder, but you have to do something similar with your father. He held the whip hand when you were young and you learned (with your mother's aquiesence) to bow to it. You were taught, conditioned to melt in the face of male disapproval. It's all BS dear. MANipulative BS. Many women engage in it too. You have to learn to face it standing tall, to ignore it. They can't use it to any effect unless YOU give it power. When you quit reacting, they will either back down or change their tactics. Which means it could get uglier for awhile and you have to keep your vision of what is happening clear.

Let Rik fuss and moan and get wound up. Don't give it any power. Hold your ground. You don't have to drop to his level. He's played this game a long time and to good effect, It worked with his mum, it's worked so far with you. You have to change the rules on him. You don't have to let him decide how the game is played.

As for tomorrow, "im seeing my dad tomorrow him is taking me but i cannot say a word dad likes him and has even said rik is the son he has never had! howcan i compete with that? " You aren't in a competition, you are his daughter!!! Your children are his only grandchildren!!! Are you saying your dad doesn't give a hoot about you or his grandkids?

Why don't you give him a chance to show you what he really is? By not telling him, by hiding what is going on, you are depriving your father, your only living parent, your blood, of the opportunity to help you. You are deciding for him and making him out to be a jerk. TALK to him!!! Give him the opportunity to make his own choice. Worst case you'll confirm he is an uncaring jerk but maybe, just MAYBE he isn't. Why don't you let him show you? You aren't getting the door opened or slammed in your face because you haven't knocked on it.

[WildChild]

Cassie, why don't you ask your father for his advice in dealing with Rik's sexually aggressive and suggestive behavior toward his grand daughters? Don't down play it, don't bs about it being "playful" or "childish". Also his desire to kick them out as soon as they turn 18 and his willingness for them to wear shoes with holes in them in order to use their money to pay off his years old debts? His taking food from their mouths because he wants it? Shutting off the hot water because he doesn't bathe and sees no reason for anyone else to? I'm sure you could come up with quite list if you thought about it.

[cassie66]

even if my dad knew what could he do? he certainly wnt help me out financially while he is alive. ages ago when i moved from ex to rented place 1 agency asked me for a guarantor i aksed my dad and he said no
when i lived at home and my mum was alive she looked after me and was as my dad said too soft my dad always shouted and acted like he didnt care. i was never that close to my dad and even to this day they never knew deep personel thoughts details etc

my first hubby would show me up in front of people making me feel small his mum never liked me and was always horrid to me. she even said in front of my kids once after we divorced kids told me good ridance to bad rubbish i was never good enough for her big fat boring boy!
my 2 hubbys couldlt have been more different
both 6ft 2 but first one also live at home with mum til he met me he got really big 18 stones huge stoamch and blamed me for him getting fat saying i fed him to much! he was either on a pc or in garage all time and when i used to say when are you coming in etc he would shout he did little to help with the kids id just had enough of a boring marriage with little sex and attention
only thing both had in common is they both lived with mummy until they met me
both haVe a temper
current man is very thin bout 118 lbs. at least hubby no1 was clean

i hate been shouted at and blamed for something thats not my fault
i also suffered serverly with pnd with all my kids and had no support
i really dnt know how to handle rik, should i ignore him? if i say no way when he aks for my money he will either go off in a sulk or shout etc i dnt know what is worse he has sulks when he cannot get his way
he also spends many hours on a pc
i just want a man that will show me attention is that too much to ask? one that would surprise me and take me out and not ask me to pay

[cassie66]

rik has asked me every day this week if i only had the hot water on for half hour! i just said yes it was on longer or wouldnt have been enough for showers for us girls

[WildChild]

Neither the shouting or sulking will harm you. Let him.

[cassie66]

no but it stresses me out

[WildChild]

Try to find some humor in his behavior as a way to reduce your stress with it.

[cassie66]

he hurts my feelings so , and i find it hard not to cry at times

[WildChild]

That's how he controls you, that shows him he is scoring hits. You have to get thicker skinned. Remember he hasn't sense enough to bathe himself, he makes choo choo train noises...you can't take someone like that seriously!