[CHANDLERS WISH]

So the basis of your fear is insecurity. You are like a rare jewel covered with dust and set in plastic. Only the discerning can see your hidden value. You have to reach deep inside yourself and find your strength.

I like that...

Cassie, you have been surrounded by manipulating men.. Your Dad was, probably to make you tough, strong, however, you state he wouldn't help you on a lease, just with his name.

Both of the men you married, lived with their mum and had anger problems.

This pattern you will break next time because you've worked out that you have had enough.

I assume you did so too with the first husband and left, did you not?

Your children are not children anymore either, they are almost adults, at least two of them.

I am wondering if you can't ask for them to stand next to you, when you tell him NO... The children need the money spent on them, they need new shoes, etc, and have them stand right next to you. Draw from their strength, because he can not fight the three or four of you, he loses that control that he currently has on you. At the same time, your kids will see that they no longer have a mum who says sorry kids, I can't because rik is making me spend it on him... How do you think that reflects on them. Have a chat with them and say kids, i need you to stand with me and tell him no, and get you those shoes can you do that?

You will draw STRENGTH from them.

As for an excuse if you need one, which you don't if you do the above, but if you need one, use your ex-husband's claim that he has the kids alot and so they have asked you to also prove what you spend the money on and so you need to give them some receipts so you ARE buying those shoes and that's it, because otherwise you have no more child credits, what the will he know?

I think you walked the first time in the first marriage didn't you!!!!!

Think back at where you got that strength from then.... And, use it now.

The funny thing is the day you stand up to him and say NO, and MEAN NO, he's stuffed cause it's only words that he can issue back at you, and you've been crying for a long time, so what's the difference?

Then you put your sandshoes on and you get out that house and you go for a walk and you PAT YOURSELF on the back for being STRONG and you tell yourself I DID IT, and smile.

Then you continue, with the next arguement and the one after, until you BREAK HIM DOWN where he all of a sudden has no more control...

You know you can do this, I know you can do this, Wildchild and other's know you can do this, so for you and for us, DO THIS.

CW

[cassie66]

hello
im at the end of my tether. ive been crying again
he came vack last night and he had his bottom lip down and kept flutterring him eyelashes i knoew then he was up to something he kept saying u no i love u dnt u i said what u after he said lend me some money i said why he said he wants to build a pc from an old desk top so he can stream movies acroos to it insread of using pc i said u can c ash your cheque from your shares on 1st may do it then he sais i dnt want towait as its easter weekend i can do it now i said no he kept going on and on hoping id give in i went to bed and he kept be awake til 2am lol for all the wrong reasons the suddenly he changed his tatctics and out ofthe blue said u still havent got me a birthday present his birthday was january!atthe time all he could come up with was a train set, soil or afilter box i said there too expensive and silly presents think of another so he said thatsall he wants so i l go without he not mentioned it since until lastnight so he moved right up to end of bed and said dnt talk to me he said u suppsed got good memory and yet im stil waiitng for mt birthday present. i toldhim he been childish and said give me a cuddle he said no and said im annoyed with u and im making a point and moved with a big gap i tried my best not tocry but couldnt helpitg and i think he knew

he is still on far side of bed now. this wasnt about his late birthday present he just said that cos i said no to lending him £222. i said banks are shut anyway its eastser he replied yours is open until noon i checked! the cheek ofthe man. we suppose to be going my dads but uit looks like he still moody and i dont want an atmosphere

so this morn willbde one of 2things either he still be moody and go on bout late birthday gift or h el try break me down and ask for 222 agian
im shattered he kept on at m etilafter 2am and i feel teatful

he can refuse totake me dads i cannot get there as its a bank hilday and trains wnt be running

i feel close to breaking down help

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That is what he is trying to do Cass.

Don't cry love. And, don't give in...

You know the answer, the word is NO.

If he doesn't take you to see your dad tomorrow, you ring your dad and say that you can't make it because car broke down what ever you like.

Go and sleep on the lounge...

Tell him that you can not because you have to pay the gas bill and bills are important not things that are for pleasure only.. He can wait and use his own money, you can not afford it.

SIMPLE

[WildChild]

Don't cover up for him, if he won't take you to your dad's tell you dad, he's mad because you won't give him the kids money so he can have a new computer to watch movies! Quit worrying about "atmosphere" or whatever, the guy is a jerk - don't try to make him look better than he is.

Why did you ask him for a cuddle? He self absorbed, unwashed and you are planning to leave him?! People with so little income don't get big birthday gifts, they get a cake and ice cream and a card! People with thousands in debt don't get big bday presents, people who are selfish and stingy don't get big bday presents. Where does he come up with this nonsense? He wants you to be destitute, totally dependant and then the fun will really begin - you will be having to beg him for a tube of toothpaste! Forget soap, you'll never get another bar - he won't be using it why should you? Until you dad dies that is and then he will spend all that too. He probably envisions that as lasting forever.

Why didin't you go sleep on the couch? Or shove him out of the bedroom and tell him to go sleep on the couch? Don't let him manipulate you this way! You need your sleep. He did this because in the past he has worn you down, you've said no and then gone ahead and done what he wanted. Don't Do IT!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He wants you to be destitute, totally dependant and then the fun will really begin - you will be having to beg him for a tube of toothpaste! Forget soap, you'll never get another bar - he won't be using it why should you? Until you dad dies that is and then he will spend all that too. He probably envisions that as lasting forever.

We all see that Cassie..

Think on that sweet.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cass, not like you not to write daily, worried so you know.... let us know how you are....

CW

[WildChild]

CW, If she's been at her dad's and it's the weekend she may not have much opportunity to use the computer. Let's hope this means she has something good going on! But I know what you mean, I worry about her situation too.

[cassie66]

hello
this is first time ive had an opportunity to get on here sorry
an update from last time i posted.
i went upstairs and said no and i told him to listen to me i said he is childish and im sick of him shouting at me i said you can wait til you get the cheque gor your pc
i asked foran apology i got one but it was short lived

he said he buy onlibe with his c card it was declined. he said he would wait
we went to my dads, i coudlnt say anything as my dad greeted him with sdo much entheusiasm i couldnt burst hi bubble dad bough us dinner

him had this idea that we get up early to go to get half price easter eggs so i missed brekfast and rushed off tried 3 supermarkets but none on sale he wouldnt buy kids an egg unless they half price so he said we can go back monday then we went food shopping then he said he needed stuff in town then diy store we got bact at 2pm ive just eaten i was so hungry
he been shouting at me again so his apology was shoret lived, i put some toast on for quickest as i was hungry anyway it accidently got stcuk and couldnt get it out, so i asked him to help me, he went man! shouted have you no common sense how stupid etc he went on and on at me for ages
im exhausted.
he is doing fish tank so im having tyo think fast so i apologise if i have missed something

[WildChild]

Don't let him get you down dear. That's his intension, to keep you upset, on edge and easier to manipulate.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i went upstairs and said no and i told him to listen to me i said he is childish and im sick of him shouting at me i said you can wait til you get the cheque gor your pc
i asked foran apology i got one but it was short lived

Did you really SEE what you just wrote?

You said NO...

Does it matter that the apology was short lived?

WCDon't let him get you down dear. That's his intension, to keep you upset, on edge and easier to manipulate.

It was short lived because YOU DID IT, you finally did it, YOU SAID NO and it worked.

SEE?

Whoo hoo well done, Cassie we are proud of you...

Don't tremble, you also went to your Dad's, even after saying NO.....

You just keep saying exactly what you said, each time... over and over, let him be a drama queen thereafter, the bottom line is, he is getting the gist, that he is not going to be able to control you to buy him things after all.

Keep saving.

Stop stressing.

You did very, very, very, well.

CW