[Hopeless Dork]

I hate to be the one to put a horrible thought into your head, but do you ever have any concerns that he may not be interested in women in a sexual way? I am not saying just because a man doesn't like oral that he must like men, or that because he doesn't like sex etc. I am just saying that hmm cuddling is okay - kissing is not. Him receiving a bj when he wants its okay, giving you oral is not. Doesn't like watching porn (finds it degrading to women).

A young man, this day and age finding porn degrading to women is pretty suspect in general. I know guys that have the upmost respect for woman and still take a gander at those freely offering up views of their bits online. Still that alone wouldnt be reason to doubt, but adding all the letters in the alphabet soup is starting to spell reason for concern perhaps?

I could be way way off. My gut tells me that he just isn't very comfortable with sex in general. The part about the hand, it can be true sometimes and that shouldn't make YOU feel bad. For a lot of women they bring their ownself to orgasm and can't or don't enjoy it with a penis so I imagine that must be possible for a man.

I don't suggest you accuse him of not being interested in women, just asking if that has ever been a concern of yours?

One other thing, how long have the two of you been married and how long were you together before marriage? Did he change recently or has he always had this attitude toward sex? I agree with CW, you can't change someone. You either have to decide to be happy with what he is giving (not giving you) or be able to tolerate it, but thinking it will change with nagging or badering, patience or love is not something you can rely on.

There is of course more to a relationship and marriage than sex. If you are happy satisfying your own physical urges and are okay with the level of intimacy he provides and all the other aspects of your relationship then maybe you will be just fine. Marriage counseling really could not hurt this situation at all I don't think.

[cassie66]

he is very stubborn but so am i, i dontthink its a control issue he did apologise later been there beforei just dont know what to do i do love himive had one failed marriage and i have 3teens so i cannot give up

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he was complaining about backache again not sure if i beleive him. i had tears in my eyes he told me to go watch tv! its very hurtful he also has a lot of phobia s to one is the dentist he needs sedating. he also only has ashave every 10 days and washes his hair and showers once a month! he never has a bath! the onlytime he washes his bits is when he showers ie once a month! and he has the nerve to say i smell! i dont!

Ok, lets go back ......................

A Man who makes no effort on himself.
A Man whom doesn't care about hygine.
A Man whom tells you you smell.
A Man who says all sexual things are discusting.
A Man who complains about back aches.
A Man whom tells you don't like it leave.


Does he work?
If he has a back ache what was it from?
Did he use to shower before more frequently?
Did he use to kiss you properly when you first met?

Can we work through this from the beginning because your adding more and more in here that shows also "depression" on his behalf.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Ah, very good point. Depression can lead to a low libido (so can meds that help depression). Sounds like a whole host of issues going on, not just the lack of sex drive. I hadn't noticed the hygeine remark before.

If I were you, I'd put the sex issue on the back burner for a little bit and quit adding extra pressure there and see if he can see a doctor. If he is feeling so down about himself or in general that he doesn't even want to take a bath there its understandable how sex is low on his priority list.

[cassie66]

he has said beensigned off workismaking him depressed. it all started latenov when he got blinding headaches,so gp sent him to hospital,i thought it was teeth(i was proved right) at hospitalthey did scan to check for ableedin brain the headaches were severe, scan clear so a young doc insisted he have a lumbar puncturehe didnt want one, instead of taking 5 mins doc bodged it and it took 1hour and 5 attempts leaving him in more pain sent him home with painkillers all tests clear, so i booked himin with dentist he hadnt been i years scared, we got an emergency dentist he had 4 rotten teeth and had nerve took out he needs a lotof treatment hs teeth in bad way headaches went! problem solved,or so you d think. his pain in hiis back got worse, s for last 5 week he has been off work and back and forth to docs they said its thelumbar puncture causing the pain, he s had varoius painkillers nothing touch the pain. at times he is ok, but when it flaresup he gets pins and needles down his legs andgets wobbly
his job isit enginner, invloving lots of bending. he is seeing gp this morning, im hoping he can g back to work today, he works shifts.we cannot afford him to be off much longer he is losing money, and im not working at the mo as i had major surgery last month. ist a difficult situation


as fr his hygeine, hsmum says hes always been like that, says he a llergic to hot water

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he has said beensigned off workismaking him depressed. it all started latenov when he got blinding headaches,so gp sent him to hospital,i thought it was teeth(i was proved right) at hospitalthey did scan to check for ableedin brain the headaches were severe, scan clear so a young doc insisted he have a lumbar puncturehe didnt want one, instead of taking 5 mins doc bodged it and it took 1hour and 5 attempts leaving him in more pain sent him home with painkillers all tests clear, so i booked himin with dentist he hadnt been i years scared, we got an emergency dentist he had 4 rotten teeth and had nerve took out he needs a lotof treatment hs teeth in bad way headaches went! problem solved,or so you d think. his pain in hiis back got worse, s for last 5 week he has been off work and back and forth to docs they said its thelumbar puncture causing the pain, he s had varoius painkillers nothing touch the pain. at times he is ok, but when it flaresup he gets pins and needles down his legs andgets wobbly
his job isit enginner, invloving lots of bending. he is seeing gp this morning, im hoping he can g back to work today, he works shifts.we cannot afford him to be off much longer he is losing money, and im not working at the mo as i had major surgery last month. ist a difficult situation


as fr his hygeine, hsmum says hes always been like that, says he a llergic to hot water

Cassie.

I really want you to read again what I highlighted.

Do you understand Lumber pain?

From your last post, I picked up depression but never in a million years did I think that this guy had gone through all of this, suffered all of this, is suffering all of this... what do you really expect him to do have sex?

And, I am not judging you but, in my opinion, you are putting your priorities first.

This is all about you and nothing about him right?

It's his fault... You just want him back to fine shape for the following reasons:-

1. You want sex.
2. You want a baby.
3. You want finances to get better.


But, you had major surgery yourself do you remember that? Do you remember the pain? How you felt? And, you say, "wish he gets himself back to work because I can't I had surgery". But, he is in pain, suffering on drugs, the Doctors can't pinpoint the problem do you want to know why?

More than likely he has got bulging disks... They are hitting nerves and this is the tingles he gets down his leg. This is extremely painful, disks, I have L5 fortunately I strengthened it to a large degree and I don't feel it anymore but it took years...

I can not believe that you are concerned for your sex life, and having a baby and not getting out there and finding work, but instead, relying on him to get better, forget his depression, forget his pain, give you sex, a baby.

Can you see how selfish you are now sounding?

Do you not love this man?

Ok he has rotting teeth, and bad hygiene.. But that is whom you married.

How can you ask a man in pain, excruciating pain, to give you sex? Where is your love for him? Comfort and Understanding of this situation? I am missing something surely.

How can you worry about when he gets himself back to work, when he obviously is depressed over all of this pain?

Where is your support?

What's really happening? Surely you are not that selfish.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Separated this deliberately.

I think you are hurting over what you had and don't have and can't get your head around the reality. I appreciate you had a failed marriage and have teenage kids, and want desperately to have another child with this man...

I appreciate that your 42, going on 43, and worry about the time factor, fertility, your problems but please see all of this if you don't want to "fail" again as you stated that, you need to give this a go, as the other marriage failed.

Marriages don't always work love... Ok... But, they do require alot of work...

They also require understanding, it's not his fault ok.. He is telling you the truth.. He has back pain, huge.. He has headaches, he is not lying.

He is injured, he can not be an engineer and bend like he used to. He will not be able to get a job in that capacity. Understand that right now...

If you love him, you need to support him and work out as a "family" how to "help" this situation, not hinder it. You may need to get that job for the time being.

It's okay to be upset over what has happened, but your blaming someone that can not be blammed, it is not his fault and all you are doing is adding to his depression... Let go of the baby bit, you can have children even at 45.

You need to have a serious think.

CW

[Guest]

Most women in my experience have a higher sex drive than a guy.

This is MASSIVELY intimidating for a man, no matter what he says, as its the total reverse of the cultural norm he has been brought up in this.

Men have fragile egos and the ability to sexually satisfy a woman is initimately connected to this on a biological level - i.e the ability to obtain exclusive mating rites with the woman, sexual dominance, hence sexual performance, is key.

The problem here, seems to me, is that the disparity in your and his sex drive is massively humiliating from him. Particularly as he seems to pick a fight with you on the "sex" issue almost exclusively.

He feels inadequate JUST KNOWING that he's not satisfying you.

As i said, in my experience, most girls have a higher sex drive than most guys.

But then, it's also WAY easier for a girl. A man needs to get and remain erect - which is a of a lot of hard work. He also needs to be able to control his ejaculation so the girl comes before he does.

With your husband knowing that he is either suffering from a mild form of erectile dysfunction and that he can't turn it on a tap for you, and fearing that if he does try to have sex with you, he wont get hard or maintain an erection or get you off before he comes etc.. - which just accentuates the probelm.

The resentment he's showing is symptomatic of the anxiety induced everytime he thinks of having sex with you. Every time he thinks of sex "libido" issues are first and foremost in his mind. In these instances, most men prefer to masturbate solitarily in a corner where they know they are not being judged or having to live up to some macho image of a man and his sexual apetite.

You need to talk about and address this core problem, his feeling of inadequacy, seek therapy if need be and explore chemical solutions as well as each others behaviour towards each other.

But from the sounds of it, your boy sounds like a douche, and i don't have much hope for your relationship.

Good luck tho!

[cassie66]

i do love him and i am not selfish. he has my full support. he went back to the doctors and he was signed off yet again for 2 weeks, he was told he has siacica and a trapped nerve they gave him some very strong tablets along with the co codoemal but they are making him feel sick and almost comotose so he says he wll not take to more now they have wore off the back pain is back. he has been reffered for physio said that will help. someone from work is coming to see himnext wee
i know he is worried, we both are, money etc he toldme he is depressed, feels inadaquete and says he s a failure ad im better off without him.

i know my age is againstme to have another baby. ive no idea when he willfeel well enough for work or sex. im recovering myself from surgery, and im ahving to do all chores at the moment.

[Hopeless Dork]

Even mild pain pills can make erections and orgasms difficult to attain. If he has been taking some from when he first hurt himself that could be adding to the lack of libido.

I don't think wanting sex is selfish, but at the same time I don't think it should be your major concern right now as far as being worried he's losing interest in it permanently or anything.

It sounds like a whole lot of bad things going on at once. He is probably so worried about his back and being able to provide for you , and that will put his erections away for sure.

This really sounds like just your life has hit a bit of a rough patch and when things get better in general so will your sex life.