[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cassie,

Say you paid the gas bill so you can't STAND BY THAT ANSWER ok...

I know your stressing, but think of this like a game, ok, it's a game, your playing and you win...

That is the reason why you have no money left.

He will sook, he will, cuss, he will give you a hard time as he does, smile knowing what you are doing is for your future... YOUR FUTURE.

Take a deep breathe...

CW

[cassie66]

he always has an answer for everything. he knows i paid gas bill and he knows i l get £200 on thurs i can maybe says im usiung it to buy the kids clothes but what about next wek and weeks after etc i wont get this money forever if i dnt save it now there l soon be none.
he just went on and on about how i agreed months ago, yes i gareed under duress to shut him up over his glasses.

i rang up holiday firm, they said they very busy as anothewr holiday firm gone bust and someone will call me back. im getting fed up of been fobbed off! no one as yet has rang me back i know ive been to bank but i gave them my mobile number too
if i havent heard by the morning i l be ringing them back
ive been in some shops in town asking for work, no luck yet. im going to put my ad in the supermarket about dog walking worth a try i guess.

[WildChild]

You really don't need excuses. Excuses imply he is right somehow. Just no. The money is for your kids and you've paid the utilities and the rest is spent.

Start questioning him. Put him on the defensive. How can he be spending on pcs and fish stuff if there isn't enough to pay the bills? You Told him he would end up overdrawn if he did this! WHAT was he thinking? HOW on earth can he expect you to bail this out AGAIN?

SO what if he gets POd? You need to start getting there. Reach down inside yourself and find your indignation and use it! Don't go into despair and get defensive, get ticked off a bit and give him a dose of his own medicine. You know he's just trying to manipulate you. He may threaten to leave - good - legally he is just as responsible for the rent if he stays or goes. Let him sleep on the couch, let him go whining to his mum. None of that is your problem. Your problem is that you let this man into your life and now you need to correct that marital mistake.

CW is right - stay focused on your future. A future where you are free to make your own choices without worry about this over grown child. If need be start adopting a sort of facade. Do you fancy doing any acting? Who is a strong, no nonsense female characture you can emulate? A characture you can borrow some backbone from so to speak? You need some training in this and sometimes just playing the role can help. Sort of an annoymous mentoring? Ever watch Waiting For God? You need a Diana to follow. LOL
Hang in there lady, you'll get there. I know it's not easy, especially when you've spent your life meeting other people's needs and expectations. You can do this! You can act for yourself and your kids and create the life you really want.

[WildChild]

So what you agreed months ago? He agreed to be a husband, part of a life partnership, has he kept that agreement really? Marriage is a contract and in contract law once one side abrogates their obilgation the contract is void. Legally you have to go through the formal process of nullifing the contract (divorce) but it's clear his purpose in marrying you was to get what little resourses you had or expect to have.

No excuses, no justifications, just NO. Can't do it. He has to learn to manage money better, quit overdrawing, quit thinking he should have stuff that your household can't afford. Stay on that job hunt and find a better place to keep stuff than your handbag. How about in with your sewing stuff? He's not likely to mess with that. A man who will open your mail, will get into your purse.

[cassie66]

he seems to think if he goes overdrawn its my fault so i should pay his charges i am so fed up of his well you l have to pay
he bought the shuttle parts and fish stuff on his c card the very same card he said he would not use again
next frid he can claim his £4,600. he owes 10, 200on halifax visa says he will pay off the 4, 600 off the card so instead of paying 179 a month it should be reduced to 100pounds a month
he has a car loan which he pays 152 month cant do anything about that, he also owes 2,500 on a direct line visa which he curently pays 45 pound a month which most of that goes on interest. that is the card he wants me to pay! his theory is if i give him 600 a month it will be paid off in 4 months, thus saving the 45 pounds a month he currently pays. he also said when i get my holiday money back i should pay off rest of his halifax card!
no way
i just dnt like confrontation id rather tell a white lie and give him an excuse why he cannot have kids money
if i put the holiday money when i get it that is in kids account it should be safe

he was also talking earlier about whn my dad dies saying we can buy a bungalow with land and he would go part time
ny dad doesnt have that much!
i am still job hunting. i did put 230 pound in my isa today he doesnt know. i still only have 824 pounds. £2,500 in another. once holiday money back i l have another £3,676
im sick of him trying to twist my words and manipulate me

[WildChild]

Cassie,
At some point in time you are going to have to learn to deal with confrontation. I know it's hard. I have trouble with it sometimes too. You have to consider that my sticking up for yourself in small ways you can avoid having a big blow up one day. You are making progress with this. Just keep it up

[cassie66]

thanks. im just scared of his reaction and your all right i should just come right out and say no way! with some things i can this i cannot yet, but he is not getting a penny believe me! when anything happens to my dad, then i may have the strength as id have a house and money at the mo i have neither this is rented. one day i will inherite my dads home. i just dnt have enough money at present to walk out so im trying my best to get more and ignore him, its hard especially when he is putting pressure on me

he stil hasnt paid simon, the mechanic who did his car. simon hasnt asked him for payment yet, him wnt volunteer and ring up to pay him, no way hel say he forget its the easiet excuse he has

[WildChild]

He has no trouble not paying someone for services he requested. Doesn't bother him a bit does it? Take a page from his book - don't let not giving him your kids money bother you!

[cassie66]

im trying my best,i just hate argueing

[cassie66]

your right, he doesnt seem to care or remember he hasnt paid simon yet. you can bet when simon asks him for the money him will ask me to pay. i bet if all this was turned around and it was i who was in debt he wouldnt offer to pay mine!

he s not having anymore cash