[CHANDLERS WISH]

"I don't want another failed marriage".........

That's great that you made that list, the um bad points are pretty bad you forgot, want's my father's money, tells me to kill my sex drive, won't hug me, only pecks me on the cheek, expects me to give blow jobs even though he doesn't wash for 4 weeks down there, wants my kids out of my house, in 12 months when they are old enough, uses my credit card can't help pay for those bills, only pays his own debts with what little money he has, used $24 k including our wedding, didn't pay for any of it, uses, uses, uses, uses, uses, uses....................

Don't you want a real marraige? Isn't that more important than a second failed one?

CWS

[rcoreyus]

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. If one person isn't trying, it isn't the fault of the other that it fails.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry Corey, I didn't mean "failed" and you are 100% correct, in your response to that, it's Cassie who thinks she would have failed, hense why I wrote that, thanks for pointing that out,

CW

[cassie66]

i do belie himwhen he says he loves me
yeshe acts like a chiild at times.
he is loyal in the way he wouldnt cheat
sincehis back trouble i dnt thinkhe has played with himself he never seemsto be in the mood lately
my eldest thinks he is putting on the pains a little sohe wont have to return to work
his pain comes and goes it doe sseem to be worse when we get to the bedroom

the mood swings can be hard forr me at times.
tell me,what exactly ami suppose to do?i have one daughter doing a levels another doing gsces and youngest 14 today willbe doing exams soon

yesi get hiswages, to coverhhis petrol/food/bills etc he keeps rest as he has loans/debts that are on direct debit

everytime he has gone overdrawn its me that suffers. he says i have no choice but to pay
yesi do feel resentful everytimehe asks for money what can i do?

a couple of months back he had a right go at me over the cost of his glasses they cost £400andjust saidi cant pay you have too!
i was quite upset the way he asked andcosi didnt answe himhe screamedand rantedand had me in tears for hours
he later apologised and said it wont happen agian but it does

i do the lottery never win enter lots of competitions in hope of a better life
would be easier if i have no kids, but i do
so what would you do in this situation? i have no job,no money etc
im not a stupid person,i just always wanted to be loved and wanted.

[cassie66]

wel he s upstairs now wallowingin self pity idonot no what to do. he keepspushing me away . i wentup to himthis morning after i haddone all the cleaningjobs, and before i had spoken he just said j notin the mood.

i know his back and legs hurt. im trying tohelpbut he is refusing alsupport. he wont do the exercises the pysio gave him, refuses to take painkillers, says they dont workand make him feel sick
ive offered to go tochemist toget somethig tohelp him sleep etc ive comeup with a few ideasthat may helphe just pushes me away
im at a lossofwhat to do
there sno sex,hugs he wont eat. drink shave or wahs his hair he is jjustlying under duvet.
its my daughrer birthhday and we are supposed to be ging out for ameal later, but he wont get up or ready
its really a strain on me

i dnt knowof amagic cure for back pain.eldest daughter thinks he isputting it on heis due back to work tomorrow doubt he will go

he keep using emotional blackmail example he said othr dayyou can dobetter than me im no good what do you see in me etc on another occaion heisthe opposite saying i lmove backto mothers you know where the door is

andin his sleep if he is alseep som etimes he shouts out please dont leave me do you still love me

what do you make of all this?

[WildChild]

Ignore him. Be polite, do what you need to do, offering to go to the chemist or something like that is fine but don't knock your lights out. Go out and celebrate the birthday, plan things for the kids. Keep your lives as normal as possible. Politely let him know that he is welcome to join you - after he has showered, bushed his teeth and put on clean clothing - tell him what the plans are and when. If he can't get his act together and meet minimum standards of hygiene and behavior, quietly leave him at home.

Change the bed sheets, wash the duvet cover, keep things to your standards, do it without resentment, you are meeting Your needs in doing so. Quit even mentioning sex or trying to touch him - he's let you know he doesn't want it. Get employed, start living your life. When he talks about things like your child out at 18, quietly let him know that your children have a home with you for as long as You feel it's appropriate - no fights - a simple statement will do. If as CW has thought, he seems overly interested in what you might get if your dad passes, take steps to ensure He won't be able to touch it. With many people it comes down to money, who provides the income your household lives on? A lot of men use that as their measure, it doesn't matter what else you do, you can save their lives over and over, rebuild parts of the house, do without anything nice for yourself, stretch a shoestring budget like a champion, do all the housework (most women do that even working full time) but if he percieves the income as his, he'll resent you and all the more if you came with kids.

Sciatica is no fun but it isn't That bad, I had it and still managed to do most of what I did normally, a little slower, not as comfortably, but I did it, if you do what you are supposed to, it does go away. People have different tollerances for pain but a lot of that is a matter of what they focus on. Not doing the exersizes or making an effort sounds like there is something else going on. Has he has a complete physical? Make certain there isn't anything else?

Sounds like he is acting like a spoiled brat, who wants it to be all about him. Hs isn't the knight in shiny armor who is rescuing you and you aren't the wealthy fairy who is rescuing him. He's let you know he pretty much wants to be roommates, what would you do with one that acts this way?

[jss2000]

Hi Cassie,
Here are a few thoughts--

Depression, anxiety, and other negative emotional states *can* exacerbate chronic pain. So it is possible that your husband's back pain actually does seem to get worse around the time of proposed family activities, lovemaking, etc. If he really doesn't want to participate, and the activities remind him how depressed he is, then he may actually be feeling more pain than usual. Just so you know.

400 pounds for a pair of glasses? Who can afford that kind of clothing during a recession (and unemployment)?? He seems out of touch with the realities of family finances. Another reason to gently approach him about a family budget--one that accounts for family needs, individual wants, but which in the end will keep the family system afloat.

If you *do* want to move in a different direction, don't fool yourself! There are plenty of resources out there--I know these are troubled economic times (at least in the US they are, in the UK as well?), but don't resign yourself to being stuck. Make a list of the obstacles in your way, and start figuring out how to solve them--one at a time if that makes it easier. See your local employment specialist or women's services agency. Ask the rest of us here--we'd be happy to help you think through the practical issues. If that's what you'd like to do.

[cassie66]

he finally came dow a 4pm his mum came to go for the meal he never did wash or change or shower his mum toldhim of he ignored her
hemoaned about the meal asusualand i pad assual hew ent back on pc as usual

i feel really trired and drained of energy today i didmy best to support him today
yes i guess he is deprssed he s making me feeldown ii spent most of today in tears

how can istop him gettiing his handson my dads money? i guess only a divorce? my dad may live for years i do notknow he is81 andin bad health

i am trying to get a jobb its hard not much about
yeshe did pay 400 for glasses well i did for
him and guess what? hes never worn them!

times are hard here in the uk. recession is bad
he shouldbe back to work tomorrow i dntthink he wll go

i feel suffercated at the mo no space etc to do me things
yes hispain doesseem to get worse around bed time and any going out activity

he says he can feel the pain in his foot ankle bum cheek too.
i offered to get sonething from the chemist he refused

i get frustated with his hygeine the morei go on at him the leshe does

i wish i knew when his back will get better can he really have all the pain he claims?

[jss2000]

He really can be experiencing all that pain. And the psychological piece (how he thinks about, feels about, and acts upon the pain) may be important as well. Much of the suffering that can come with long-term pain is caused by thinking, feeling, and acting like your life is hopeless. The very fact that he sits around on the computer all day has several negative effects:
a) his muscle tone is weakening by the day, making him more vulnerable to aches and pain (leading to more inactivity)
b) his sluggish behavior would confirm any beliefs he may have about how the pain is ruining his life (leading to more depressed feelings and behavior)

All other family and marital issues aside, if pain (with depression) is a grounding force that keeps him from truly enjoying life (somehow I doubt he's having buckets of fun at the pc) and supporting the family, then perhaps seeking help specifically for the pain management could make a difference for you folks.

I highly recommend a book entitled "The Pain Survival Guide: How to Reclaim Your Life" by Dennis Turk. The author identifies the relationships between depression and pain, the consequences of inactivity, and ways to not let pain stop you from doing the thinks you want and need to do. If you want to introduce this to your hubby, you might read it first yourself. Or just start by being having some good conversations where you just let him vent about his pain. Then broach the subject about the self-help book. Tell him you see how much this is affecting him, and you just want him to feel better. Keep the focus on him, not on the marriage, not on supporting the family (sensitive topics). Just him and his well-being. And tell him this book can help, and would he like to give it a look.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Cassie.

When my ex had back problems... He decided I could work and pay for everything and he would never work again because, he had an excuse, his back.

So, basically I had a child living with me, who did what he wanted, watched what he wanted on tv, dvd, and basically ignored me in and out of the bedroom totally, and I mean totally.

This went on for a few years sweet.

Now, how strange? Seeing as I am separated... He works, gets a real good income, he now trains instead of the labour, and he hops on his motor bike all the time, was doing that the past 12 months we were still married... 4 disks gone? but can bend his back and ride?

So, in short, your $24k is nothing compared to the thousands i went through whilst he decided you can do it all including cleaning, garbage the lot. And, yes, he would still say " I love you" and YES LOVE, It's EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

He's a user but more importantly, he has no idea what love is... If he did, he wouldn't risk losing you, he would come to the party in some form but he's not.

CW