Just found out my wife has been masturbating twice a week for years

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"No emotional connection", means that she can't be intimate with you..

But "sex" with you, when that occurs, is fine, as it's extra to what she is currently doing.

There is more a problem I think with "connection" between you two, which then takes away the sex, because she doesn't feel close, emotionally attached, anymore.

She definately is trying to turn what she is doing into "ok" and what you are doing to "not ok", it's the blame game, it's her trying to justify that she is not caring, trying, it's kind of a waste I think to do councelling or therapy when one person, refused to acknowledge their own faults.

Welcome back by the way

In my opinion the only way to solve this is to get the spark back, of "lust/love", before the sexual side re-connects and I don't know how you are going to do that, but that's the area you need to concentrate on if you can...

CW

[A Dying Breed]

Thats just the little symbol that shows with the title. it doesnt mean anything.


Well first of all I think it's safe to say your wife is being a hypocrite and is not innocent in this.



From what I can tell, sex is not the problem here. Believe it or not the bedroom can be affected by the outside world. She says she doesnt feel as connected to you as she used to be.

You arent 100% to blame here though, because no matter what the problem is, she isn't helping.

She is actually making the problem worse by fristrating you, confusing you, and making you feel isolated. Now I am not going to say sex is the solution, no sex is definitely going to complicate things.

That said, it seems her problems with you are on an emotional level, not a physical one. Just because she gets horny does not mean she wants to have sex if she is angry at you. It could also be worse, because at least she isn't cheating.


What you need to do is resolve the other problems the two of you have. Things are not going to get better at all until she can start to connect with you again.

Now we dont know the other problems going on, so its hard for us to offer more solutions or be able to see who is actually in the wrong here, if either of you are.

From one guy to another, good luck mate

[Fallen1]

Welcome back! It has been quite a while.

I am not sure why you got the thumbs down. Maybe one of the other mods have seen this before.

As far as your issue at hand -

I think your reaction is very reasonable. I don't understand why you need a therapist because of your need for sex and masturbation. Isn't she "guilty" of the same thing as she's calling you on?

I also feel that her reasoning for not having sex often (because she feels no emotional connection with you) is just an excuse. Isn't sex one of the ways you further and nurture an emotional connection with your partner?

[MiniVanMan]

Why did my post start out with a thumbs down? It was there the instant I submitted it!

[MiniVanMan]

Greetings. It's been a long time.

My wife and I have been going through rough times in our marriage for quiet a while. A major reason for me being dissatisfied with our marriage has been the lack of sex. I mean once a month AT MOST for 20 years, and we recently went without for 6 months. She's always been the asexual one, all the while knowing how important sex is to me.

We're in couples counseling, and our counseling session yesterday revealed that she's been masturbating twice a week for many years, and I had no idea this was going on.

Why is this a problem? Here's why:

1) She's always been the one to say no to sex, yet all this time pounding it out 2x a week without me. I feel shocked, hurt, confused, and betrayed. If this had been going on since day one, and I knew about it, it wouldn't be a problem. But the fact that she's kept it from me while refusing sex is devastating. She's known about my masturbation since before we got married.

2) She's got me going to a sex therapist for what she calls my "all-consuming" need for sex and masturbation. She says that masturbation takes the place of intimacy in our relationship, yet at the same time she says she doesn't need sex for intimacy, she can get it in other ways. Sex or no sex, it doesn't matter. Of course, it matters to me.

When I asked her how my masturbation is so different from what she's doing, she said that she can do it for 5 minutes and get on with her life, whereas I have this (to use her phrase again) "all-consuming" need that takes time away from other important things. How much time she thinks I'm spending I don't know. I should ask her. But I can tell you it's about 15-30 minutes a week. Sometimes less. Occasionally maybe 45. Not that much more than the 10 minutes she's spending.

She also says that she can be sexual with or without me, it doesn't matter. She gets horny, I'm not home, so she takes care of it herself. I do the same, only it does matter. I'd prefer sex with her! Why is what I'm doing so different that it requires a sex therapist?

She admits that when we do have sex she enjoys it very much, but the reason we hardly ever do it is that she rarely feels emotionally connected to me. I can't help but assume that it's also because she's been masturbating twice a week.

I see my sex therapist today. We'll see what he says. For now I've been up almost the whole night unable to deal with this new knowledge. It's really bothering me.

What do you think? Is my reaction unreasonable?

Thanks.

- MiniVanMan