[stressed]

Something doesn't exactly fit in the story.

You both masturbate. She knew you masturbate before you learnt that she does too, and she told you she thinks it's "time consuming" for you. You say it takes her 10 mins and she goes on with her life.

Do you only masturbate because she does not want sex, or would you masturbate anyway? If you would masturbate anyway, then you should not be bothered by her masturbation, whether she wants sex or not, as you cannot ask for dual standards. It's your sex life that's suffering here, not your sex drive.

The problem doesn't seem to be in the masturbation of either of you. As it has been mentioned above, if she feels no connection with you as a husband, a man, a friend, and knows you masturbate weekly, then she won't want to have sex with you. Because in this case she might feel like you only want to involve her in sex sessions when you want to and because she has to be involved in them since she's your wife. Maybe she doesn't feel you want sex with her because you love her but because it is something that has to be done. And that is one huge turn off.

I'm not saying it's your fault, but there's clearly a communication problem in your relationship which leads to misunderstandings and pain.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

CUFF
If that's how she feels, I can see from a women perspective how that would make problems.

If that is how she feels, me too.

think about in excess
harming our intimacy
is at the expense of other important things in my life.

I guess that also poses the question of whether or not, other things actually happen in their life... Things that she would love to share, "together"... So is she maybe holding out on sex, because that seems to be the only thing for years that he is willing to participate in, where as she needs more, of that connection...

OP?

[sourpuss]

It's not that she doesn't want me masturbating. It's that she feels that sex, including masturbation, is something that I do or want or think about in excess to the point of harming our intimacy and my social life. She says this personal little sex life of my own is at the expense of other important things in my life.

What does she mean by that? Do you just sit at home all day playing with yourself rather than spending time with her and being her husband?

[cuff]

Isn't the emotional drive for sex with women going to be crushed by a partner that seems disinterested in an emotional connection or communication with them? This is with someone that has been together for years, not a new relationship. Maybe I have a reading comprehension problem, but, I keep seeing hints of a lack of communication on his part from his postings. If that's how she feels, I can see from a women perspective how that would make problems.

I think she's approaching this in the wrong way. She blames you and she's part of the problem too. I have a healthy sex drive. I masturbated for years every day. I don't think you have some sexual perversion or that you're overly obsessed with sex or masturbation from what you've posted. She's been doing it twice a week probably for years. You can turn it around on her and ask why has she been obsessed with masturbating 2x a week for years and hiding it from you.

Do you know that you can give her an orgasm?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's not that she doesn't want me masturbating. It's that she feels that sex, including masturbation, is something that I do or want or think about in excess to the point of harming our intimacy and my social life. She says this personal little sex life of my own is at the expense of other important things in my life.

So she hates the word sex. She despises the actions of sex, that's all she is, a piece of meat, your sex drive is high... Yet, she loves the word "intimacy" and in that, that is a touching, without wanting sex. It's laughing and holding hands. It's going out having a few drinks, coming home and falling into each other's arms without sex...

If all these things were there... constantly... and then you "made love" because of her, looking her in the eyes, seeing her, loving, her I think she would be fine...

I was thinking in the car today that I've always had this smidgeon of benefit of the doubt about her. If she really did not have a sex drive all these years, then I could understand. She just didn't have the drive. Sex wasn't important, maybe for some physical problem. But now that I know the sex drive was there all along, then it wasn't for lack of drive, and it wasn't because she stopped loving me. That leaves one thing left: she just didn't want to, despite knowing how important it is to me.

Or, she does have a sex drive, and does therefore, "feel" that experience, and the only way she can is by herself.. Because, she has an issue with "sex" not an issue with "intimacy" .

I know that's a hard one to swallow,

Cat
Most men on the other hand feel the connection when making love - women have to feel the connection first in order to make love.

This is very true... Unfortunately... We bond.. we like to feel sexy of course, but we want to be intimate, bond, love, be loved... and sure, you love your wife, but, if she feels that your always thinking, wanting, doing, "sex"... and she uses the word, "intimate" I think you've found your answer as to what she is really saying, meaning.

CW

[MiniVanMan]

It's not that she doesn't want me masturbating. It's that she feels that sex, including masturbation, is something that I do or want or think about in excess to the point of harming our intimacy and my social life. She says this personal little sex life of my own is at the expense of other important things in my life.

And to be clear, I'm not upset about the masturbating per se. If we were having a "normal" fulfilling sex life together, I'd have no problem with her masturbating. One important issue with me is that she seems to be doing the same thing she's accusing me of doing. That it, having solo sex time in place of sex with her spouse. She's forgoing intimacy for masturbation. And in her case, I never even knew about it until now.

I was thinking in the car today that I've always had this smidgeon of benefit of the doubt about her. If she really did not have a sex drive all these years, then I could understand. She just didn't have the drive. Sex wasn't important, maybe for some physical problem. But now that I know the sex drive was there all along, then it wasn't for lack of drive, and it wasn't because she stopped loving me. That leaves one thing left: she just didn't want to, despite knowing how important it is to me.

That hurts.

It's been another rough day.

[Hopeless Dork]

. So it's easier for her to take care of herself when she needs it, you take care of yourself when you need it, and move on with your day. If it in fact is just for the release.

Thing is she doesn't want him masturbating though. She has asked him to see a sex therapist because of him masturbating. She doesn't want to have sex with him because she feels no emotional connection. But does not want him masturbating, but does so herself twice a week. *shrug*

[caterpillar79]

You both have to equally work to bring this connection back to the relationship, otherwise sex will never improve.

In my book, most women make love when there is emotional connection. The lack thereof means the lack of the other. It is not synonymous, but it is interconnected and interdependent. Most men on the other hand feel the connection when making love - women have to feel the connection first in order to make love. Tricky deal.

[stressed]

I think the problem here is that you focused almost too much on the fact she masturbates twice a week, instead of the reasons why she does. She did admit she's not emotionally connected with you, that by itself must make you worry a lot more than sex or masturbation.

If you love her more than anything and want to stay with her, you have to work on that aspect first. You both have to equally work to bring this connection back to the relationship, otherwise sex will never improve.

Just my opinion.

[Ashlee T.]

I guess I'm sort of on the opposite side of this...because I was her. I stopped wanting sex from him. It was a series of things that caused it. I grew resentful that he was constantly trying to have sex with me. I grew resentful because everytime he'd do something nice for me like rub my back or tuck me in he'd initiate sex. I grew resentful because even if he knew I was exhausted, he'd still initiate. I grew resentful because I had to be the one 100% responsible for birth control. I grew resentful because he disregarded me, more than once when it came to sex. (i.e. having an ovarian cyst and still being pursued for sex even after explaining that it hurt me). I grew resentful because when I did have sex with him after all these things transpired, my mind wouldn't let me enjoy it, and I stopped having orgasms. Then I grew even more resentful because I couldn't have an orgasm, and he was so totally out of tune with me that he paid no attention to that fact at all. Gradually, bit by bit, I found myself not sexually attracted to him anymore. I mean, he physically hadn't changed, so realistically how could I just not be sexually attracted anymore? But it was an emotional thing for me, I couldn't control it. Yet, despite all this, I'm still human, I'm still a young vibrant woman with desires and needs....so I took care of those needs with my trusty toy that expected nothing from me. Would it hurt him? Yeah probably. But had he hurt me? Yeah...so in my mind, it was "even". Was I wrong for thinking that way? Yeah...that's an unproductive way of thinking.....but at the time it "protected" me.

I'm gradually getting past this. It's taking time. Our last "experience" didn't go well, and I once again felt disregarded. I'm trying to move past it and move forward into a healthy relationship, instead of one full of blame and resentment. It's not easy.

Does this mean that your wife feels like I felt? No, not at all. But there's a good chance she does. There's a good chance she feels such tremendous pressure from you regarding sex, that she just can't make herself do it, and if she does, she's likely not enjoying it because of what's going on in her mind. Makes for a tough situation.

I'm afraid that it seems clear on a daily basis, that people blame sex for their problems when the problems typically go MUCH deeper than sex. The lack of, is usually just a trickle down effect from the other issues.