[cuff]

Does she think you are just using her for a sexual release when you do have sex? Does she understand that for you, intimacy comes from the sex? Seems that she's disconnected intimacy, from sex with you. They're two different things to her and thinks it's the same in your eyes. So it's easier for her to take care of herself when she needs it, you take care of yourself when you need it, and move on with your day. If it in fact is just for the release. I may be completely off base. If she's drawing intimacy from other things about you other than sex, I can understand. My girlfriend can do the same, which I don't necessarily feel the same way, or not at the same depth of intimacy she does.

I can understand the desire to want to be desired. It says so many different things to a man and is a turn-on in itself. My girlfriend and I have a different sex drive. We've talked about it and we both compromise in order to meet each others needs. If I'm not communicative with her, or she feels I'm not being emotionally supportive with things she needs, it will drop her sex drive. If she feels she can't come to me about her day or problems and express it, it's going to affect her emotionally and mentally when it comes to me. I think you two need to listen and understand each other more. I think you both need to compromise. No fingers can be pointed at either one as the reason things aren't working. Good luck to you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She said she was in over her head, and we should call our counselor and try to get a session today.

Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling that the end result will be nothing more than trying to have me get past all the things that are hurting so I can get on with my life. This is NOT what I want to do. I want answers. As harsh at it sounds now, I want blame. I want her to realize how tough it is for me to even think about all this. I want her to be sorry. I want her to understand rather than say that it's "really no big deal". I want to be understood. Really understood.

From reading what you have written, I agree with what the Councellor has recommended and I do suspect that your wife, did not want to answer your questions, preferring that you go down this path, of understanding the feelings/emotions first before any discussions of any sorts. As, there is still anger, resentment, as you say "blame" game..

Go along with what is being suggested to you. You do need to feel grounded and be able to accept what ever, eventually is disclosed to you.

You may not be understood. You many not get that understanding. When two people fall, to a point of no return.. they sometimes, don't see your point, you don't see their point, it's just the way it is.

But, instead of focusing on that for now.. because "anything can happen in life" focus on what your Councellor is getting you to do, you will benefit from it.

Best wishes.

CW

[rcoreyus]

You have my sympathy (from someone in a somewhat similar situation). It IS a big deal!

You've known your wife for many years - do you have any feelings about what might be going on? Could she be a lesbian (and not really admit it to herself)? Does she find men attractive - just not you? When you have sex does she have orgasms - might she be faking?

I don't think blame matters (yes it IS her fault). What matters is if it is likely to change, and what you want to do if it doesn't.

[MiniVanMan]

I've been very very agitated since Monday when I found out about her masturbation. I haven't eaten solid food, slept more than two hours a night, or gone to work since then. It's been really difficult.

So this morning I asked my wife some of the tough questions that I really needed answered, such as Why have we had a sexless marriage since we got married 20 years ago if her sex drive is what it is? Why am I the only one going to sex therapy, when she's banging it out solo twice a week?

Anyway, her response was interesting. She said she was in over her head, and we should call our counselor and try to get a session today. Miraculously, we got an hour this afternoon. Since it was so evident that I was losing it, the counselor focused on getting me to the point where I could discuss things without crying or blaming or just freaking out.

So the counselor gave me some coaching and then worksheets to get me "grounded" and to help me cope with my feelings. It sounds like a lot of woo-woo but I think she was right. No matter how desperately I wanted to get all this out in the open and discussed and examined, I wasn't really in a state where I could do so. I feel better now, still distressed, but I'm not crying anymore. We see her again on Monday.

Unfortunately, I have this sinking feeling that the end result will be nothing more than trying to have me get past all the things that are hurting so I can get on with my life. This is NOT what I want to do. I want answers. As harsh at it sounds now, I want blame. I want her to realize how tough it is for me to even think about all this. I want her to be sorry. I want her to understand rather than say that it's "really no big deal". I want to be understood. Really understood.

[pretzel]

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

We know it goes both ways. We really do understand (at least most of us do) that your needs aren't any different from our own.

But when the dog understands you better than your wife does?

[LanaBear]

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

It most certainly can and I apologize if any woman (who has also gone or is going through this) is rolling their eyes at my posts thinking the same thing. Not my intention, you could easily replace wife with husband or boyfriend and she with he in my posts and it would still hold true. I was just speaking from my experience and my frustration with it, but we all (especially those on this forum) know it goes both ways.

[WildChild]

That's all we want. Why is it so hard for our wives to understand? Why did it take so long, and forcing an ultimatum, telling her that enough is enough, for her to take me seriously? (don't mean to hijack the thread, rhetorical question)

It works both ways. The man in my life wants what he wants and too bad if I want anything but crumbs. I've entirely given up trying to initiate sex or any kind of intimacy.

[StillLearnin]

That's all we want. Why is it so hard for our wives to understand? Why did it take so long, and forcing an ultimatum, telling her that enough is enough, for her to take me seriously? (don't mean to hijack the thread, rhetorical question)

[pretzel]

I wasn't masturbating either... Just no interest. But the similarities on this thread are there. I completely stopped all affection, no hugs, no kissing in passing, not even a little peck on the cheek. My thought on it was, if I hug him, hugging leads to caressing, caressing leads to cuddling, cuddling leads to clothes coming off, clothes coming off leads to sex that I don't want. So, there you have it. Just like WC said.

But now that I'm the complete polar opposite of what I was then, it frustrates me to no end that women do this (probably hypocritical of me, but I don't care). If they only could remember how pleasurable sex was, how amazing sex can be when you have husbands that love you and want to please you and want that connection. The same husbands that are putting up with all this crp that you are throwing at them because they LOVE YOU. The same husbands who want nothing more than for you to have a complete relationship with them. A husband who WANTS to feel loved and desired too. The thing that kills me is how much my selfishness hurt my hubby, how he ended up not feeling desired. It hurts.

That is exactly what I'm trying to get from my wife.

[LanaBear]

Well put. I wish my wife would have the same revelation that you had. Reading the thread there were so many similarities to my own life (except as far as I know my wife isn't masturbating) but the situation, actions and reactions all have a far too familiar tone.

I wasn't masturbating either... Just no interest. But the similarities on this thread are there. I completely stopped all affection, no hugs, no kissing in passing, not even a little peck on the cheek. My thought on it was, if I hug him, hugging leads to caressing, caressing leads to cuddling, cuddling leads to clothes coming off, clothes coming off leads to sex that I don't want. So, there you have it. Just like WC said.

But now that I'm the complete polar opposite of what I was then, it frustrates me to no end that women do this (probably hypocritical of me, but I don't care). If they only could remember how pleasurable sex was, how amazing sex can be when you have husbands that love you and want to please you and want that connection. The same husbands that are putting up with all this crp that you are throwing at them because they LOVE YOU. The same husbands who want nothing more than for you to have a complete relationship with them. A husband who WANTS to feel loved and desired too. The thing that kills me is how much my selfishness hurt my hubby, how he ended up not feeling desired. It hurts.