[Tool]

Wow this topic pretty much hits on 100 percent what I went threw with my Wife last year.

Im not sure how it all started, but she wasn't meeting my sexual needs and I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Which meant we both were both resenting each other.

Here is what we did to fix the problem.

I had to spend more quality time with her, and not ditch her in the evening.
I had to be more helpful around the house without her needing to ask me to do things.

When I was resenting her, I didnt want to be around her or help her.

Also she is a very power hungry person, so I had to take the power back from her and be a man and not take her .

I was a wimp and let her walk all over me. When I put a stop to this, I could see her just fall in love with me all over again.

Then in return, she needed to be more sexual with me. The BS excuses about being tired had to stop. She even admitted to it, she would say that to get out of it.

Then like Magic her desire for me returned, and the sex has been amazing. We are once again that perfect couple that is just amazingly happy.

At first it was a little tough, she wanted me to change and said she needed time. With my new backbone I told her that is BS and I wasn't changing if she isn't. Well she changed =)

I love my Wife so much!!!!

[locknut]

I totally understand what you are going through minivan man. It’s not sex for sex sake it’s about wanting to make love, they are two different things. Counseling and therapy is like throwing money at a plumbing problem and hiring a computer geek to fix it. They are like lawyers in my book if you have the money they will extend the time needed to help you. It is a problem that enviable can only be solved by the two of you. Your wife and mine could be twins. The only thing stopping me from leaving is I would have to start all over. I think I know how you feel I have been sleeping on the sofa for about three years. Funny thing with me is I can have sex with her any time I want. Why would I want it? It’s not making love, it’s more like rape. Sure she says we she really enjoys it after we get started but until that point it just feels like I am taking advantage of an unwilling soul. I have had more than a few times to stray but until I finally decide I had enough and get a divorce I won’t. That’s just a matter of time before that happens. For me the love is gone.

[sexincyprus]

Good God this makes me wonder... my wife has been refusing sex for some time, i mean if we do it than its mostly because i am nagging and it makes me feel pretty low. It has been a lot better for the last few months to be honest but i would like it if she took some initiative every once in a while.

[Counsel Dew]

My thoughts

The counseling might help... The issue is why doesn't she feel emotionally connected to you... This "topic" needs to be discussed.

We all have wants... The "needs" are food, water, air, etc. and not, imho, the things that would please us in a relationship... We don't HAVE to have them, but it sure would be nice

So, we need to give and take.

Get her to list why she feels so little emotional connection. Either in a checklist or a narrative. Read that list/narrative as if a friend gave it to you... See if you can see, in a detached manner, why she might get that feeling from you... Regardless of your intent, understand she feels that way... You have a few choices, but the relevant ones are:

1. Alter behavior to help her feel emotional connected;
2. Counseling to see if her beliefs/needs are rational--perhaps she is being unreasonable and needs to do the same list/narrative thinking you are doing;
3. Some combination of 1 & 2; or
4. Rationally end the relationship.

I find #3 generally works since relationship problems rarely are created by one party. When they are, the party in question may find change easier with a therapist since the therapist won't be "judging" them in a way they feel you are (even if you are just a loving person...).

Perception is important.

Good luck!

[Counsel Dew]

Really?

But when the dog understands you better than your wife does?

I was surprised to read this...

A lack of communication rarely is due to one party not communicating...

A dog wants to be loved and attempts to please their owner...Dog 101. If people were so acceptable and non-judgmental, relationships would be easier...

However, perhaps it is the wife's fault the dog knows him better?

[MiniVanMan]

Good Ones!

Thanks WC, those are some good ideas.

[WildChild]

How about a spa day or massages for two?
A night at a hot springs?
Having a catering service come in a prepare a special meal for the two of you?
Get on line and find out your local tantric center, see what they have to offer?
A book by a favored author, a box of chocolates, some good teas (check your local Origins store they should carry Tea Forte')
Don't just go out to dinner at the same place, what's new, what's hot? Who's supposed to be the rising star chef? How about a carriage ride before or after?
Don't know where you live, if you have any major museums or galleries or good theater - how about an exhibit or show and dinner in some ethnic nook?
Shake it up a little, spread your wings, try something new.

[MiniVanMan]

Anniversary Present?

Looks like I was wrong about her being nice recently. After a long talk she said she hasn't been trying to be nicer or less assertive. Rather, she's just completely given up on contradicting me or my actions because it doesn't help our relationship. It just increases tension and she doesn't want that.

She also gave me some ideas on how to love her. One was, despite the fact that she has downplayed our anniversary for 20 years (I've remembered it more often than she has over the years), and we've hardly ever given each other gifts, she says she would appreciate being given something. Even if it's stupid or she hates it (which would be typical), that would be better than getting nothing. She needs to know that I care.

Great. All through our relationship she's told me she'd rather we keep the money than have me spend it on her. But now our anniversary is on Wednesday and I have until then to figure out something to give her. She doesn't wear perfume or makeup. She occasionally wears ear rings but I've gotten those for her in the past more than once. She dislikes trinkets. Every time we look at clothes together she hates what I pick out for her.

The best I can come up with is a reservation at our favorite fancy restaurant.

[WildChild]

It sounds like you are starting a positive spiral rather than a roller coster.

[MiniVanMan]

Do you feel that this relationship can be salvaged? Do you want it to be? You've obviously fallen into a self protective pattern of emotionally flat lining yourself but it can't be too deeply engrained or you wouldn't be here. would you? What would it take for you to feel safe to open up to loving and being joyful?

Most of the time I feel it can not be salvaged and I just want out. There are sparks of hope for me occasionally. Like last night after crawling into bed, my wife started a conversation. At first we were both feeling hopeless (apparently I was wrong that she was feeling good after our session earlier in the day). The more we talked the more I explained that we have different love languages and we both feel incapable of meeting each other's needs. My wife, in tears, shouted out "THEN WHAT THE F*CK ARE WE GOING TO DO????" I pointed out that our counselor has a process for us that we need to get through. At the end of that we'll see where we stand. My wife seemed to calm down, and we laid there in the dark silently for a couple minutes. Then she seemed to come to some kind of resolve in her own mind to do her utmost to make our relationship work.

She said she was aware that I had been aroused as usual that morning. She told me that I didn't have to take care of it myself. All I had to do was make her aware of it, and she'll be happy to be a part of making me satisfied. When I countered that she hates morning sex she said that if that's what it takes to make me feel loved then she'll do it, and she'll do it freely and willingly. It may not always be sex, it may be just getting me off in one way or another, but it will be done to make me happy.

Wow. That kind of effort makes me feel there might be hope after all.

So what would it take to make me open up to feel loving and joyful? That's a really good question. The answer to me is simple: apart from the physical aspects, I need positive reinforcement. I want responses from my wife that are optimistic, encouraging, and not put downs. I don't want to feel like she thinks I'm an idiot. I want more overt happiness from her. I realize that's what she's been doing lately and I just need to get my mind wrapped around this new behavior. I need to see it as the norm rather than an exercise the counselor asked her to do.

The roller coaster continues.