[WildChild]

Just making a very quick survey of some info on Asberger's syndrome, there is a school of thought that in many cases this does resolve in adulthood, so don't be too quick to box yourself into the can't change roll. That you have been on here and seeking answers and support, argues that you are open to changes. Too often we accept other's perceptions and then consciously or subconsciously guide ourselves by them.

Do you feel that this relationship can be salvaged? Do you want it to be? You've obviously fallen into a self protective pattern of emotionally flat lining yourself but it can't be too deeply engrained or you wouldn't be here. would you? What would it take for you to feel safe to open up to loving and being joyful?

[MiniVanMan]

WC and HD, responding positively is difficult for me. I'm so gun shy after 20 years of put downs that I don't know if I can do that. I'm not even sure at this point if I want to. I know that sounds bad but I'm just in a hopeless state of mind right now.

We had a couples session this morning. My wife was in tears almost from the beginning, saying that no matter what she did I would never change. She feels my responses to her are "always monotone" or worse and that is how I'll always be. Note: This is after the counselor recently diagnosed me with a mild form of Asberger's syndrome, essentially explaining to my wife that I have behavioral traits that can not be changed. They can be worked on, they can be influenced, but not changed like they could in a normal person.

She also expressed concern that my love language is physical touch and that for her physical attraction will always be temporary (the novelty wore off 20 years ago) and very, very low on the priority list. At that point I agreed that I also felt she could never change to meet my needs, either.

The session started to go towards the two of us divorcing but then the counselor asked her what she needs to feel loved and my wife couldn't even say. Not that she didn't want to, but she simply didn't know. The counselor said that we need to find out so that I can make her feel loved which will in turn make her want to be physical with me. That sparked some optimism for my wife, and after more encouragement from the counselor she left the session with a smile on her face.

So I thought we were about to start a formal separation but by the end of the hour things were looking more like we're staying together to go through the "therapeutic process", as the counselor calls it. She said after this process we may find we still can't meet each others needs and we'll separate. Or we may find happiness. The only way to know is to try.

Our 20th wedding anniversary is next week. My wife wants to go on a trip somewhere to celebrate (at our counselor's suggestion). That makes me a little uneasy but okay, I'll go with it and see what happens.

[WildChild]

If you just respond positively and don't make a big deal out of it she is more likely to continue. Try an oblique compliment? "It's great to see you so happy."

[Hopeless Dork]

Try your best to not overanalyze why she is being more nice and take it for what it is. Sometimes, I guess because of your history ... you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thats no way to live. If things are good, bask in that sunlight for awhile without worrying about it too much.

[MiniVanMan]

Changes

My wife saw our counselor alone again last week. I didn't ask how it went. I just couldn't.

But since then she seems to be acting much less like a control freak and being less confrontational overall. It must be something she's working on with the counselor because she's never been like this before. I've noticed on several occasions her catching herself when she's about to correct me or blurt out something totally contrary to what I've said or done, and instead just happily support my position and move on. And she's been acting really happy. Part of that I'm sure is because we've been camping with friends for 4 days, but still, even when we're alone she's being particularly nice.

It's all very weird and to be honest, it's freaking me out.

[sourpuss]

I think maybe you need a new counselor.

[MiniVanMan]

Why is it just you? I can understand her telling you this only if she in turn was also working with your wife and telling her to also find solutions. This should be both of you working on your problems not just you.

Like me, she's been seeing the same counselor on her own. However, I don't know what they're working on because whenever I ask my wife how it went she gruffly responds "fine" and then changes the subject.

I've seen no change in behavior from her, while on my end I've been openly making an effort to break the pattern and help her out more, engage more in conversations, etc. It's been tough, though. It may not be as obvious to her as I'd like to think it is.

[purplehaze]

She's got me working on understanding that a curt response that I would normally interpret as a personal "f*ck you" attack probably isn't that at all. Maybe she had a moron try to run her off the road on the way home from work. Maybe she's feeling ill. Maybe the kids are driving her crazy. Point is, I shouldn't take every response from her as being all about me and what an idiot I am. I'm starting to get the point. I'm developing a thicker skin, as it were.

Is she curt to everyone or just you? Something tells me she has full control of this and you are on the $hitty end of the situation. One step forward and two steps back. I have read your whole thread and it's just my opinion, but you are in a no win arrangement. You deserve to be happy!!

[Fallen1]

She hopes to get a new job in the fall, and she's already declared that I should expect to not have sex for several weeks at least while she settles in. Then the holidays hit, which is THE most stressful time for her. So to me that means no sex until January. Lovely.

This I don't understand. She's already decided and knows that she won't feel like having sex?

When I suggested to our counselor that my wife needs to work on ways to manage her stress levels, the response was that I needed to be the one to reduce her stress. I need to take on more responsibility so that she can be more relaxed. Problem is, my wife admits that no matter what gets done there will always be some chore or task not yet done, and that destroys her sex drive. And that's why I think she needs to learn to lower her own stress levels. I will never be able to do enough.

I don't understand this either. Why is it just you? I can understand her telling you this only if she in turn was also working with your wife and telling her to also find solutions. This should be both of you working on your problems not just you.

[MiniVanMan]

Your only hope is to rapidly grow a backbone and let her see you have one.
...
If becoming assertive fixes the situation, wonderful.
...
The only unsustainable thing you can do is keep doing what you've been doing, and being the way you've been being.

I honestly believe that she is not intentionally over-assertive. She is not trying to force me into submission. I think she has no idea how overpowering her personality is, not just to me but to others as well.

Our counselor has been working on assertiveness with me, and it's helping me feel better about myself, if not the relationship. But on top of that, lately she's been having me "break the pattern". What she means is the pattern of feeling put down by my wife and slinking away in defeat. She's got me openly questioning my wife, challenging my interpretation of her responses. Not in an adversarial way, but in a way that doesn't start a conflict.

She's got me working on understanding that a curt response that I would normally interpret as a personal "f*ck you" attack probably isn't that at all. Maybe she had a moron try to run her off the road on the way home from work. Maybe she's feeling ill. Maybe the kids are driving her crazy. Point is, I shouldn't take every response from her as being all about me and what an idiot I am. I'm starting to get the point. I'm developing a thicker skin, as it were.

Things kind of suck right now. We've been seeing our couples counselor individually for a few weeks. Will be going back as a couple in July. The big issue now is that my wife can't or won't have sex if she's stressed, and summer is more stressful for her now that school is out and she's home with the kids every day. She hopes to get a new job in the fall, and she's already declared that I should expect to not have sex for several weeks at least while she settles in. Then the holidays hit, which is THE most stressful time for her. So to me that means no sex until January. Lovely.

When I suggested to our counselor that my wife needs to work on ways to manage her stress levels, the response was that I needed to be the one to reduce her stress. I need to take on more responsibility so that she can be more relaxed. Problem is, my wife admits that no matter what gets done there will always be some chore or task not yet done, and that destroys her sex drive. And that's why I think she needs to learn to lower her own stress levels. I will never be able to do enough.