[Guest]

Ok i did give chandler the ok to post her thread, but not going to say im not scared as people already hate me and think im a looser here, i was being honest with chandler and i now dont understand what shes says about my mommy im confused

[CHANDLERS WISH]

May i add, that Carl thinks that he can not tell Louise as Mummy will hate him, as so will all of us. And that he loves her and believes that she has never ever hurt him, again repeating his last posts to me.

CW

[talk time]

Carl no one hates you here or thinks you are a loser. I very much feel for your situation and think you are an incredibly brave and honest person.

I hear that you love your mummy very much and believes she loves you very much too. Having said that though the relationship you have had together has not been your typical mother/son relationship. She has shown her love to you by continueing to care for you as if you are a child even into your adult years and when you reached your sexual age she has tried to meet this need for you also.

I do believe she feels that she has done these things out of love for you but it has stopped you from developing typical healthy adult relationships with others.

I believe she now has some understanding that what she has done is not right as she has now stopped and I can only imagine that this has made you feel a bit abandoned.

She is now loving you in a different way though, as a mother to an adult person. this is a scarey change but a healthy one.

I believe it is crutial that you speak to your therapist about this all, including your relationship with your mother. The issues are linked and can not be seperated. I believe your mother understands this on some level, although she may feel some discomfort at her part in this. I believe by her stopping her past actions is a sign that she wants you to move forward and looking at all of this in therapy is the only way to do this.

You have gone through so much with your operation and all the changes and turmoil over the last few years. You need some time to heal, not only physically but emotionally and if you can trust your therapist as you have trusted all of us she can help you.

My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you.

Sincerely tt

[maz33]

Carl no one hates you here or thinks you are a loser. I very much feel for your situation and think you are an incredibly brave and honest person.

I hear that you love your mummy very much and believes she loves you very much too. Having said that though the relationship you have had together has not been your typical mother/son relationship. She has shown her love to you by continueing to care for you as if you are a child even into your adult years and when you reached your sexual age she has tried to meet this need for you also.

I do believe she feels that she has done these things out of love for you but it has stopped you from developing typical healthy adult relationships with others.

I believe she now has some understanding that what she has done is not right as she has now stopped and I can only imagine that this has made you feel a bit abandoned.

She is now loving you in a different way though, as a mother to an adult person. this is a scarey change but a healthy one.

I believe it is crutial that you speak to your therapist about this all, including your relationship with your mother. The issues are linked and can not be seperated. I believe your mother understands this on some level, although she may feel some discomfort at her part in this. I believe by her stopping her past actions is a sign that she wants you to move forward and looking at all of this in therapy is the only way to do this.

You have gone through so much with your operation and all the changes and turmoil over the last few years. You need some time to heal, not only physically but emotionally and if you can trust your therapist as you have trusted all of us she can help you.

My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you.

Sincerely tt

Carl, I agree totally with tt, and couldn't have said that any better.

Maybe you should speak to Louise privately, in confidence, so that she has the full facts about what you've been dealing with all this time. It would help her to understand your situation fully in order to help you recover from all of this. Could you do that?

You wouldn't be betraying your mum Carl and of course you'll always love her, she's your mummy.

And nobody here hates you or thinks of you as a loser, why would they? You have shown such amazing courage and determination considering the you have been through, and we all respect you for that.

[talk time]

Hi Carl

I see your logged on.

I hope your doing ok.

tt

[Guest]

Hi looser here.

Anyway as most knewl ast friday i was to attend hospital to be fully castrated and my penis made numb, and as also many will know i was petrified and hand on my heart i didnt want to go and i wasnt, but then my mommy (i know u may call your mother as mom but always called her mommy) said if i was to stay under her roof i would go and get my balls off and if i didnt she would have thrown me out and i guess i didnt want to be forced although now maybe i was anyway, when at the hospital i had to give sperm samples which took awhile but did them, then it was time for the op and i was sick about 3 times but they gave me somethink to carm me down, anyway had to strip waste down and then put my legs in these things to keep them open (think they use them for women when havin a baby) then they had to shave me which i did enjoy and admit i got a hard on, but when that was got rid off they injected me to make it numb (injection made me cry hurt) and they went on with the opertaiton and i was awake but they hid it, took about 20/30mins to cut my balls off, before the op they had decided not to numb my penis and see how it goes with catration for now but i have to be honest with them and write down if i get hard, masturbate and cum, but they say i wont get erections every 5/10secs like i did before as having my balls off means i wont have as much testrome in my body to make me horny 24/7, but for now they will monitor plus i have to be honest, erm they have talked also about giving me female hormone injections so i cant get hard at all for a 6month period as they think its best to see how i get on without being able to get horny, but again they havnt done this yet, they have done the castration and now i go back tomorrow (monday) so they can check were my balls (WAS ), and then maybe start therapy as they said i will bcome very depressed (which tbh is i cant get more depressed then i am now thinking about suicide every day) but whatever, i am angry, upset, emabrassed and alot more feelings, i have since looked at my penis with no balls and i am now not a man and never will be, im just a thing simple as that, i know many girls/women will be glad i dont have my balls anymore, and there might be guys thinkin what a ****ing looser cant control himself so they cut his balls off, and yes your right i am a looser, but im now paying for what ive done although i dont class as i hurt anyone but maybe i did mentaly, none of you will ever know how much hate i have for myself, for loosing people i cared about over my sex drive, i dont know what else to say as im upset and angry and not sure who with i guess myself more then anythink but end of day who cares....

As for my mommy and telling louise, im not sure i can do that, i did sort of admit to louise that when i was younger 9 to 15/16 my mommy would wash me, bath me, dress me, and louise asked if i ever got erections with my mommy and i admit i said i did once or twice and that was it, she asked what my mommy said and i said she said it was fine and not to be embarassed but thats all i said and thats all i think i will say, yes there is alot more, but things she would do made me feel safe, carm, soothing made me feel good, totaly different to what the girls at school would do, although times it hurt is when my mommy would punish me for being naughty and smack me legs, or bum, or between my legs but i guess all moms and dads did that, but anyway i will shut up now.

carl

[Guest]

To the above...

Sorry about the spellings, and missing . or , im pretty putting my feeling and thoughts down on paper let alone computer, just hope u can understand what i mean.

[talk time]

Well done Carl for putting down how you are feeling. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all of this has been for you.

Although it feels terrible it is very healthy for you to be feeling angry right now. Your mourning a loss.

Your not a looser, not at all. I think your incredibly brave.

Just take one day at a time.

Take care, our thoughts are with you.

tt

[damd]

Carl, you are not a looser. Talk Time has some great advice. This information is troubling to me. I think it is best that you be a truthful to Louise as she is trying to help you and she needs to see the whole picture of your problems. You love your mother very much but the relationship that you have with or had with needs to be revealed. This is critical for your thearapy.

Wishing you the best

[Guest]

Cheers for all your replys, as ive said before and i will say again im very gratefull to you all, although some of the things i was told i will admit they were hard, especial about the castration and most agreeing with Louise, Judith and the female Dr, but im going back to the hospital today as far as i know its for a check up down below see if its all ok, and they may talk about my sex drive etc but im not sure, they have said although i have no balls i will still have a sex drive but means i wont have as much testrome in my body bcuz my balls have been removed that i will get erections etc, there not sure how much or if at all i will cum when i masturbate but i have to be honest and keep a record of when im hard, when i masturbate and wether i cum of not, not sure if i said this already (my heads all over the place at min) but if i have sorry, but i did get an erection yesterday but i didnt masturbate main reason was im still sore so that was the last thing on my mind, they have got me on some medication for the serious depresstion and there on about having treatment for the suicide i think about every day and minute, but that will be when i see louise, but have to see, what i do feel is ive slipt alot further down the ladder now and dont feel like i can climb back up (if that makes sence), but i will see what happens when i go today, as for louise and my mommy im not sure if i can tell her "EVERYTHINK" she knows some but thats all i feel she needs to know as dont want my mommy in trouble.

Anyway i feel like im being a pain in the butt typing here all the time so im prob bugging alot of you, if this is the case please just say and i will shut up.

Carl