[Amber]

Maybe just forget about all the preparations, just grab a toy and have at it, and see what happens?

I was relaxed tonight but not too much so most likely, I won't get past where I have been but it won't be nothing new. So far, I get the heavy and quick breathing, that feeling that use to feel agitated but not anymore. It now is sort of an anxious feeling. My hips keep moving. But without the alcohol, I'm not going to be relaxed when I get to that anxious part, which I'm guessing is stopping me here. If not, I'm not sure what is. Maybe it just goes back to not having enough desire, something that is always a problem with me. Something I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get without a guy in front of me to drool over!!!

[Amber]

A friend was the waitress at the place we went out to eat tonight. I use to work with her a long time ago at a different place. I see her once a year now when we go there. She said to me tonight, how come I don't have anyone yet. My heart jumped. I didn't want to think about guys period tonight. My brother knows nothing about my ex. I tell my brother nothing. He doesn't deserve to know. I told my friend I haven't found my prince yet. I told her to cross her fingers that by next year I come back with him. I would love to have found him by next year. I'll cross my fingers.

[Amber]

After eating out we went back to our house. Everyone was in the kitchen. I was still feeling a little bit of a buzz. I was alone in the living room watching the Grinch and was wondering how my toy would work with this buzz. No one even missing me, I went into my room and closed the door. My buzz didn't last enough but I wanted to see if I could do it, just knowing that everyone was downstairs. I guess shame of me to be thinking of doing this while family is downstairs but I was wondering if the nautiness of just thinking that I shouldn't be doing it at that time would help me come. I got nowhere but I had to say that I tried. Then I heard everyone saying goodbye. I quickly dress and walked downstairs pretending I was up to nothing at all. It reminded me a little of doing a quicky in another room with a guy while no one has a clue. Ok, I have a toy, not the guy so not nearly as exciting but hey, you never would have caught me doing that last year.

[Amber]

Family is gone. If I'm lucky I won't have to see my brother for another year!!

Well, one day down, one day to go. Tomorrow is without the alcohol though. I just want it to be over with. I'm just not in the mood for Christmas this year. I can't help it.

[Amber]

Just starting to think about Monday evening. I'm going with friends to a restaurant that the only time I was there before was with my ex. And it is actually the first time I have been in that area since that day with him. I know I need to start making new memories but I also know that it won't be easy. I could skip it but it is the only real plans I have next week so I want to go to get out of the house. And like I said before, I need to make new memories. I can't avoid this area for forever.

I remember that day. After lunch we went for a walk. It was a sunny, hot day and I was happy. The both of us were. That turned out to be the day that I told my ex that I was practically a virgin. He took it quite well. He also didn't have a clue on how much I had no idea of when it came to sex. Neither did I. We, unfortunately, figured that out the hard way.

Monday, I have to find some way to get through this. As much as I would love to, I can't keep running. I just know it is going to hurt like he**!!

[Amber]

Haha, how about Ceiling Taz? No, maybe not, that'd be kinda creepy!

I'll stick with ceiling cat. Ceiling Taz does sound a little creapy. lol

[Amber]

Spent the day on doing job hunting related things. Ran into a snag that made something that should have been simple into a headache. Wasted a lot of time but got it finished thankfully. Still have a lot to do though.

Haven't been in the mood today to try anything sexually.

I canceled my plans for the hockey game at Fenway on Saturday. I'm just not in the mood to freeze my butt off watching hockey. And then there is the ride to Fenway,the fortune for parking, I said forget it. If that had been a Patriot game, I would have been quite willing to freeze my butt off for that. Never gone to one but would love to some day.

Have finally made plans to see the Harry Potter exhibit with friends. I'm dying to see that!!

I just love that picture of the kitty. Not because of the idea of it all, even though it is funny, but because that cat is so cute!!!!

[Texinator]

How are ya feeling now, Amber? Better, I hope.

[Amber]

How are ya feeling now, Amber? Better, I hope.

I'm ok, I guess. I have been busy with job hunting related things lately. I haven't been in the mood for anything sexual lately.

I survived last night. It had it ups and down throughout the evening. I think the buzz I was feeling from the drink helped some. It also helped that we were not in the same part of the restaurant that I had sat last time with my ex. I really wanted to cringe when someone brought up jobs and as so happened two of the people at the table have the same job as my ex. They had a long conversation about it and it made it impossible not to think about him.

You know, it is pretty bad but I think this is the first time in about 15 years that I don't give a dam what I do on New Years Eve. When I was ballroom dancing, I was out dancing somewhere. When I was forced to stop dancing, I was out with my parents, wishing I was out with my dancing friends. Last year, I was wishing I was with the new single friends I had just met but I had just had a cortizone shot in my foot and dancing was out of the question.

This year my knee is acting up and dancing is still out of the question. Everyone is going to a party that has one form of dancing or another in it. I still can't do it because even though taking the screws out of my knee helped the pain some when I walk, I'm still getting pain standing in one spot. So club dancing is still out of the question. I see the doctor again next month. I pray it is something that can heal.

But I don't even give a dam. Don't get my wrong, though. When it gets close to midnight, I will definitely be thinking even more than usual how much life s*cks and all but I don't even care what I do this year. I guess when one thing or another happens to you, other things just seem trivial.

[Amber]

Just finished reading Like Water for Chocolate. What a strange ending!! But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by it.