[cassie66]

hello
my internet was down only just got it back
him has just left for work
i am going to seek advice later today i have appointments.
i am listening and i ahve been thinking and wondering does he have a split personality? and ocd? i ask because his personality can change in minutes and i never no what mood he is in
take this morning he said do i want him? i said no i think he was taken aback a bit he said he had sores again and it puts him off doing it yeah whatever anyway it looked dirty and smelly no way was i touching that! sores what sores!

then he changed his tacked and said he had an idea said when i get my holiday money back £3,676 i can give it all him to pay off credit cards! LIKE I WILL THATS MINE NOT HIS
the ocd comes to mind becuase when he is on the early shifts he has 5 alarms clocks! he looks over 40 times to check there switched on is this odd?
he says there a back up in case one doest work
i said its silly and obsessive he said he ahd always had that many clocks.
he will wash his hands, but thats all! i told him to wash his bits if he thinks its sore, he said its not dirty and wont make a diff so why bother
he only washes his privates when he has a shower bout once every 5 weeks

i know he has little expewrience of women and sex so he says and his mum comfirmed the women he dated for 4 yrs that they never had any physical contact they would watch tv and he d go home he even went to florida with her once seperate beds and nokiss good night or cuddles can you really call that a relationship? and he said he was engaged to her! she broke it off cos she told his she no longer loved him that wasnt love that was more like companionship dnt you agree?
i just wonder if thats where his probs started that and his mum

i am sticking to my plan im saving still for gas bill.
he s been asking me to buy him a fish i said no
i will let you know how i get on later

[cassie66]

if i got my holiday money back this week then i could maybe use that as a deposit on another rental. the contact on this rental runs out in aug.
when he is on his train game on anything really he often has said to me shurrup woman im trying to concentrace etc and the more i talk the angrier he gets. he spent several hours yesterday playing trains
i went outside and did some gardening to get away.
strangely lastnight he let the cat in! for a little bit anyway can you work him out? not sure if i can
i know we are short of cash again this month, his next pay day is 30 april long time to survive
he has been writing bill amount on calendar when they are due he needs 800 for direct debits then about another 300 in other bills before next pay day

i wont let him take another penny. my middle daughter is desperate for new clthes there all old or worn and too small but i have to pay gas bill first

[WildChild]

Cassie it sounds like you are seeing more clearly now than you were a few weeks back. Yes his behavior does seem inconsisitant and a bit obsessive. However one of the things at the top of the list of symptoms for OCD is a excessive concern with cleanliness and lots of washing and over use of hygiene products - guess that puts him right out?!

Sounds like some of this could be a calculated effort to get the money he thinks you have coming. He's trying to be "nice", to butter you up. Offering sex and letting the cat in to the bedroom briefly are probably his idea of making up to you so you will hand him the money!

Have you stopped in at the post office to see about a PO box? Written or called your credit card companies to have him blocked from using your accounts? If you write watch the computer records, don't save it on MSWord - anyone who brings up the computer can see it on the recent docs list. Just type, print one to mail and one for a copy for you and don't save on the computer. Have you worked out a place or two to keep stuff private? You will need to make copies of all your financial records and accounts, when you get legal advice they can tell you what you will need. Make a list of who owned what prior to marriage and who paid for what after. Who owns the computer? I know in a marriage it's all supposed to be mutual but that takes time - you haven't gotten there. With my recent ex we never got there, after more than 7 years he still refered to things as being "his" or "yours", mostly "his" and was still whining about things like how I made him get rid of his couch (it had mice nesting in it - while in his house - I was really blind!). LOL

Do you really think you can hold out until august? That's 4 months away. What do you have to do by then? Find a job? File for a separation? Get yourself a check list and keep working on it. How is your communication with your kid's father these days? Does he see them, spend time? Would he perhaps take them for some personal shopping? As a treat? Do you shop the thrift or consignment stores? I find some great stuff there - go to the ones that the people from the higher income neighborhoods domate to. I'm fortunate to live close to some very wealthy areas and have found designer lable clothes for as little as a dollar - out of season (got two leather coats and a leather skirt for a dollar each recently at an end of season sale, in excellent condition. Look for classic styles and they really don't go out of style, then you can add a fun accessory or two and look great for very little money. Here in the US shopping the thrifts has become quite a fad for the teens lately, even those with plenty of spending money - a little frustrating for those of who truly need to watch every penny! Last year we got my daughter's prom dress for $30. It was beautiful, beaded, fit like it was made for her (she is really petite) and still had the store tags on it. Someone had probably paid several hundred for it, never worn it and then donated it! You don't find things like that every day but they are out there!

He may be bi-polar? Does he remember the stuff he does or doesn't do? Have seemingly inexplicable fits of rage and not seem to remember that he did so? That used to be called manic depressive. They have extreme mood swings and can do some pretty extreme stuff. Panic disorders often accur along with it. Look it up on the computer. My kids dad was BP/BPD, they can be miserable and scary to live with.

Hang in there. You are starting to see more clearly what you are dealing with and what you need to do!

[cassie66]

wild child i was just off out when your email came in. my appopintments are at 4.30 and 5pm

we have a few discount discount stores which i shop in. my daughter does need a prom dress the the dept store ones are several hundred pounds

he cannot access my debit cards as my name on it and at moment no cass in them. as for my savings account he could get that one as you had to sign at the bank im awaiting new account details. i cannot afford a po box just yet

and i think you could be right about bi polar i never considered this before
he does have extreme highs and lows and has a bad memory, when i tell him off things he has said and done he claims he cannot remember

examples
extreme childishness saying silly things daft noises making silly sexual suggestions to me and all my kids sticking his tongue out at us all chasing us and smacking our botts saying to my kids lets go to bed now your mine i no you want it he s always been like this never worried me as he says it in an extremely childish way and yes your right when he cannot have his way like trhe ravioli incidcent he goes off like a child having a tantrum like if i cant have it you cant either or thats not fair its mine or i saw it first

another example is when he threw the cat out he said you love the cat more than me, you think more of that cat than me etc
another example is talking in his sleep and claiming not to remember says please dont leave me you wont leave me ever will you? and theres the you no i love you, you cannot survive without me you need me no one else can ever have you your mine forever and theres the you can do better than me what do you see in me etc im ugly

on a nasty mood he will threaten to divorce/ move back to mothers sleep on couch/ car etc go off for a walk me moody for up to 2 days without talking to me or eating a thing, if i try to reason with him (you cant) im blamed for everything like its your fault if you didnt say/do etc it wouldnt have happened etc

you could be right wild child. how can i cope with that?

[cassie66]

another thing he can go weeks without sleep he is always tossing turning talking etc pretends to sleep things on his mind etc stressed worries anxious a lot
off out now back soon

[WildChild]

What you describe sounds more like immaturity and a lack of a sense of appropriateness and selfisness rather than bi-polarism. Sorry but those sorts of remarks to your kids are out of line - way out! Joking or not. That is completely unacceptable. It's not funny. It's not cute and no man with half a brain would say something like that!

Next ime he get in a nasty mood and threatens to, "divorce/ move back to mothers sleep on couch/ car", just say, "You know that sound like an excellent idea! You should do that. I'll call your mom while you pack."

[cassie66]

i dnt know if theres anything wrong with him thats how he is. yes he is immature
i went to the council i have been given a form to fill in a 10001 questions to answer and documents needed
i know im stuck without money and a job
the waiting list for a council home is a long time as a shortage of housing
my optiions are
if i make myself homeless there less likely to give me a place i would end up in a shelter with none of my belongings
if i lose my home say bankrupcy or eviction then yes theyd have to help
or i can private rent again but most require evidence that you work and can pay the rent etc and normally want 2 months deposit in advance and references and or a guarantor
some take on those who lives on the state/unemplyed etc and the council will pay 3/4 of the rent and council tax if your a single mother/unemployed

i have been told to send emails to all housing associations/councils etc and all rental agencies and see what ahappens
nothing can happen immediatly
unless i have family/freinds nearby who d let us move in no i dnt
at the law centre im told if i divorced now him would be entitled to half of all my things/bank accounts etc and if my dad died while still married and i divorced he could force me to sell dads home to claim half the money, but if i just seperated him cannot claim anything!
i copuld move and not tell him as the kids are not his so he cannot claim there divorce through desertion is 5 yrs
i can hide my savings etc into another account
he would have to prove i have the money etc first to make a claim if i have nothing then he cannot have anything
i need to find a job i think its just there s hardly any around and id need full time
if i got my holiday money back that would be a start him is noit having it
if my dad dies say this month everything is mine him cannot claim of tell me what to do with it its my decision but if dad died and then i divorced him could claim but not if just seperated and i moved somewhere him cannot find me

[CHANDLERS WISH]

making silly sexual suggestions to me and all my kids sticking his tongue out at us all chasing us and smacking our botts saying to my kids lets go to bed now your mine i no you want it

You serious? How do your kids feel about that? That's discusting Cassie.. If you can't stand up for yourself, then let them stand up to him and say to him do not ever, ever, ever, touch me.

you love the cat more than me, you think more of that cat than me etc

This is why I said and say, do not take the cat to bed. He is a child and is jealous and you don't want to come home finding that the cat is missing do you.

another example is talking in his sleep and claiming not to remember says please dont leave me you wont leave me ever will you?

And, he laughs to himself as he says this. This is a trick much like the one where he said he was sore, down there purely to get attention from you so he could then in return shoot you down.

if i lose my home say bankrupcy or eviction then yes theyd have to help

Then when you get that pin... take the money out.. stop paying any bills or rent full stop, hide the money somewhere safe, and get evicted and go and get help from there.

You need to get yourself separated and now... I think...

CW

[WildChild]

at the law centre im told if i divorced now him would be entitled to half of all my things/bank accounts etc and if my dad died while still married and i divorced he could force me to sell dads home to claim half the money, but if i just seperated him cannot claim anything!
i could move and not tell him as the kids are not his so he cannot claim there divorce through desertion is 5 yrs
i can hide my savings etc into another account
he would have to prove i have the money etc first to make a claim if i have nothing then he cannot have anything
i need to find a job i think its just there s hardly any around and id need full time
if i got my holiday money back that would be a start him is noit having it
if my dad dies say this month everything is mine him cannot claim of tell me what to do with it its my decision but if dad died and then i divorced him could claim but not if just seperated and i moved somewhere him cannot find me

I'm no attorney but the way I'm seeing what you've said is: if you take your money in the next couple months and spend it on getting yourself and your kids into a new place and THEN divorce him, there will be essentially nothing for him to take half of, will there? You won't have any savings because it will be in your deposit and rent. You will have your furnishings and he will have his, including his very valuable fish tanks and fish? (worth at least as much as a good part of the furniture??? (wink) You can't do anything regarding your father's estate but that's not on the table right now, is it? The longer you wait though the more likely it will be.

Get moving! Butt in gear! Get that PO box! Start sending letters or emails regarding housing. Get that job nailed down, maybe something part time while you look for full time? If you might end up financially obligated on the current place moving out before August (if you husband was to not pay while there himself) then make August your target date. You HAVE to have everything ready to roll by then. No ifs, no buts, no tries. Moving August.

Waiting will make it more likely you will either get stuck because he'll get what little money you have and you'll have no resources to get out or your father will pass away and he'll get half of that! Or both. Don't drag your heels. Get cracking! It sounds like before long at least one of your kids will be looking at getting out on her own? Have you considered finding another single mom to share a place with? One of my sisters did this some years ago and it worked great.

Don't just think short term. Being separated just drags it out. Consider what happens if you separate and get a divorce for desertion after 5 years? Won't that increase the possibility that you will have your father's estate and he will get half? You can't be sure he won't find you. Not at all. He has plenty of time on his hands and if your dad died, tracking you through the estate records wouldn't be hard to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yeah, me mad... so being evicted is probably not the way to go... I agree with all that WC has said in how to go about it.

Seriously, that guy just erks me to no end now...

CW