[LanaBear]

When I read your last post I could swear you were my husband, everything you are saying I have heard before. The getting mad because you haven't had sex, her giving in to sex so your not mad anymore. Then it starts all over again and again and again, It's hard to start talking with her about it without her getting mad but you are so frustrated you don't know what to do. I wish I could give you some better advise except "Hang in there if you love her" Maybe you could try a councler that's what I'm thinking about because I don't want my husband to leave me.

Been there, done that for 10 years. I'm thankful every day that I found a way out of it. At least you are recognizing the problem and wish to change, that's a start. Many live in denial, I did, for a long time. Once I wanted to change, it helped.

[rcoreyus]

coralstad: since you are one of the few people on the other side of this sort of situation, do you mind if I ask - what would you like you spouse to do? It sounds like you aren't interested in sex, but he is. If that isn't something he can change, what should he do? Should he go without? Find someone else on the side? Leave?

If sex is important to him (as it is to many people), then he won't just get over it - it will be a constant source of stress that will affect all of his life.

[pretzel]

This is becoming a great thread so I'll jump in.

One point brought up (croalstad) questioned the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. That's a topic I ask quite a few times to my wife. She's of the opinion as croalstad in that there really is no difference. I beg to differ and offer this as my explaination. And like my wife, the issue tends to evolve around sex. I take as an example the words that Chandlers Wish has allowed me to use as my sig line. Think of the different levels of pleasure and connectedness between having sex and making love. There is such a great deal of emotional bonding and togetherness when you can look into your partners eyes and see the feeling of wanting to be with you. There in lies the major difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

Many, many of us here are trying our best to get back the emotional bonding of being in love with our partners. Some have been successful others are still working their hardest and not giving up. But as others have pointed out (rc, WC, SL) that you can only fight the war so long before you have to make a decision on whether or not the benefits of continuing the battle is worth the benefits. Yes, the physical closeness of making love is a driving force in alot of these pursuits. Simply put, there is no greater bonding than being able to look into your partners eyes and see the love and want of the person your making love to. There is nothing like that anywhere on this planet that can give someone the same feeling.

Lastly, there was a comment made by WildChild (WC) a while ago in a discussion of one's lack of sex drive. The comment (paraphrasing) basically stated that "the person with the lower sex drive controls the relationship." Whether we like it or not or whether we agree with it or not, I personally think this as true as statement you will ever find. As you look through the various threads, posters comments, their issues with whether it be a bf/gf/husband/wife, I think you will see a commonality in the basic premise. I also think you will see another commonality in that despite all efforts, no one can make another person do something they don't want to do. I would suggest anyone here to go back and read LanaBear's blog post. It is a good example of someone recognizing that only they can change themselves and the positive effects those changes can have.

[WildChild]

I have to agree with Pretzel the difference between loving and being in love, is profound. I love my children and family passionately but I'm not 'in love' with them. I care about and for, my neighbors (most of them anyway), I love and caresabout my freinds. I love flowers, the sun, the moon, the mountains, but I'm not in love with any of these wonderful beings.

Having sex and making love may involve the same body parts and both will produce an orgasm but they are very different acts, having sex is great but cannot replace making love. The connectiuon of making love is deep, spiritual and soul touching, it energizes, strengthens, heals, brings joy and a deep sense of peace. Having sex, just f-ing, is a purely physical act, it can be done with just about anyone, men pay to do it with prostitutes, people get drunk to have an excuse for it, it just hits the surface. Within a loving relationship it can be fun and playful and great compliment to love making - but it isn't a substiture for it.

It's really hard when you are in love and it isn't reciprocated. You give but they can't really recieve, they can take, but that's not the same thing. It can become very hurtful and damaging. You can't just turn it off, sometimes you have walk away to protect yourself. Many people become bitter and closed off because of the hurt. They are unwilling to open up to be hurt again and then lose the chance at finding the love they need. The idea that because you connected with someone and committed, that you have to stay forever, can be very damaging. If one changes and the other doesn't, one closes up and shuts the other out, or they grow apart going in different directions, we need to learn and accept the need to gracefully part for the benefit of both.

I've been fortunate to know some people who have long time relationships that have stayed strong loving and passionate. I know it's possible, it requires attention, care and work but it can't be forced. It can't be decreed. You cannot bring it into being by demanding someone act as if they felt what they do not. We've had generations of exactly this happening. When one gender holds the other hostage physically, economically, legally, even emotionally, a very unhealthy situation develops. People lose the knowing of what a healthy, loving relationship is like. That's not to say they can't exist but it's much more difficult. We have to learn this and create it. If we can approach it as an adventure it could be a really wonderful thing but most of us are caught in old garbage and negative thinking. We fall into the patterns we've lived before or grown up with, simply because they are familiar. We stay trying to live where love doesn't dwell and we can't flourish.

[Gearhead]

Croalstad, guys will always compare the beginning of a relationship (what was new and exciting, i.e. lots of sex in some cases, lots of what ever was great about the relationship) to what is happening now because most women (and this is my personal experience) will not tell them or talk to them about what is different and what has changed to get those things taken away from the relationship as it grows and matures. I am a case in point. Quite honestly, my wife was a borderline nympho-maniac when we first got together. She told me that her previous two boyfriends (both of over 2 years) she was the same thing and had the same desire for sex as the beginning of our relationship. As I said, we had a lot of physical pleasure with each other early in our lives together and as time went on, we became familiar with one another and the physical aspect wasn't needed as much, but we were still a very physical couple. That is until our first son was born 5 years into our marriage. Now, me personally, I enjoy sex, making love and plane old f*ing, but I don't have the opportunity to get those desires taken care of because my wife now has an almost non-existent libido. She went from one extreme to the other. Granted the birth of two children is an obvious clue to a change, and that may be the only reason that she won't do it any more. I don't know, that is why I am asking opinions. Ideally, I would like to get back to where we were 10 years ago, realistically, I would like to get back to where we were 5 years ago. Am I asking for too much to have a desire of mine being taken care of once in a while? As for the love vs. in love debate, WildChild hit the nail directly on the head.

Lana, I would like to ask you what you and your hubby did to get the love back? What did you guys do? And any of the ladies that are reading this, I am here for advice from you, help me out. I want to have the gratification of having my wife back physically to go with the mental aspect that I have never lost. Is this a plea for my own selfishness? Sure, but it is also a plea to get my wife back.

I know that I get grumpy when I go weeks on end without it, but she is the same way, if she wants to admit it or not, she is a much better person when she has had sex too. A problem that I do see with her is that she doesn't want to make time to make love. If the kids are in bed, she doesn't want to get up from her nap on the couch to go do it.....at all. And if I try to to something to her while she is laying on the couch, if it is just sitting next to her or trying to make a move, she gets upset with me for waking her up. It's like WildChild said, "its really hard when you are in love and it isn't reciprocated" which is what I feel is going on in my life right now. She is physically holding my desires hostage until she gets the one and only thing she wants. And that thing can and often does change and I am not given the slightest clue as to what it is. The more I talk, the more I think that a couples counseling session is in order. I was hoping to avoid that, but it doesn't look like it.

[pretzel]

Gearhead,

This is the blog entry LanaBear wrote concerning your question. It's worth reading,

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/blogs/lanabear/462-changing-sexual-desire.html

[LanaBear]

Lana, I would like to ask you what you and your hubby did to get the love back? What did you guys do? And any of the ladies that are reading this, I am here for advice from you, help me out. I want to have the gratification of having my wife back physically to go with the mental aspect that I have never lost. Is this a plea for my own selfishness? Sure, but it is also a plea to get my wife back.

The love was never gone, I love him and always have, with all my heart. He makes me whole and always has, I've known this from before we even started dating (at 17), I never wanted a boyfriend, just casual sex, he changed that about me. Many people on this board know that my hubby treats me as if I'm the air he breathes as I do him. The love was never gone. I just lost a bit of myself after having kids, being busy, working an ungodly amount of hours, body issues, finishing up my degree, etc. I had to find it again, it wasn't for him to do, it was me and I had to be the one to recognize that and change. *shrugs* I wish others could do the same and realize that you can find it and the passion again.

[Guest]

Gearhead. I empathise with you. I think all the above points are worth noting and understanding. I think croalstad though missed one important point when she said "why do men compare what we had before..." I think she overlooked that one of the main reasons that men are interested in women in the first place is for sex ! Am I stating the B obvious?

[croalstad]

Dear Thomas as my husband says we are like animals except for one thing "sex", we are one of the only species who have sex for pleasue and not just for reproduction.
Dear Gearhead I wish I knew how to fix our similar problems because I can feel your pain as I struggle on the opposite side. I want my husband to be happy with his life choice to be with me but I feel so inadaquite as a true partener because of this issue. I'm not sure how to change this so I just keep on going with my life the same way and it's getting worse and not better. I can feel his anger and frustration bubbling over into our every day lives and once that is destroyed it's over. I may not have been completly honest with you about why this maybe happening to me so her goes. At age 23 I had my first surgey to have my fallopen tubes opened because of scare tissue. The doctor told me that if I wanted kids I should get on it (I didn't). I was married to my first husband and wasn't ready for children. At age 26 I had an atopic pregency (in the fallopen tube)with my seecond husband and had to have emergency surgery to remove my fallopen tube. At age 34 I had a histo and at age 36 they removed my ovaries and I then I started on hormones therapy (oh joy). I have worked with my obgyn about my sex drive but nothing has worked. And that brings me to the present!

[croalstad]

coralstad: since you are one of the few people on the other side of this sort of situation, do you mind if I ask - what would you like you spouse to do? It sounds like you aren't interested in sex, but he is. If that isn't something he can change, what should he do? Should he go without? Find someone else on the side? Leave?

If sex is important to him (as it is to many people), then he won't just get over it - it will be a constant source of stress that will affect all of his life.

I have considered allowing him a serigate for sex, but I haven't come to a decision on that yet.
P>S> He says he would go for that but when it came down to it I don't think he would because we both agree that you should leave someone b4 you cheat on them.