[rcoreyus]

I'm afraid I'm going to disagree here. Being constantly turned down for sex is really hurtful. People get into a marriage with the reasonable expectation of regular intimacy. I do not think it is fair for someone to deny their partner a reasonable level of intimacy and not expect them to find it somewhere else. Certainly the deprived partner could ask for divorce - but what if the rest of the marriage is OK? What if there are children?

Now all this assumes that there is nothing that the deprived partner can fix in the relationship or in their sex life.

I went through this for 25 years with my wife. I didn't cheat, but in that situation I would not in any way fault someone who did. Its really difficult to imagine unless you have been in this situation.

Several months ago my situation suddenly improved, for no reason that I am aware of. We are intimate much of the time, both of us are very happy (for the first time in decades), and everything is going well. I'm happy, but it does make me realize what I was missing for half my life.

Horse poop. You sound just like my ex husband. You have a duty as her husband to respect her, and not blame her if you can't keep it in your own pants/hands. You can not justify cheating because you aren't satisfied. There are many reasons for a persons sex drive to be low, including being told that it will be the fault of the one with low drive if the other cheats. How horrible do you think that makes her feel? I certainly wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who was making comments about cheating. Should she reward you because you've been faithful? That's a horrible way to treat someone you love.

[megan102]

Ive been with my s.o for 3.5 years. for the first years his libido was much higher than mine but i never turned him down ever. then sex gradually decreased and it was apparent my libido was much higher then his non existent sex drive. we went from having sex 5 times a week all the way down to once every 3-4 months...we have had talks but they usually end up in arguments and nothing gets solved. it's been a problem for about 1.5 years now and it sucks because i dont want to deal with it for the rest of my life but every other aspect of our relationship is near perfect. very crappy feeling.

[rcoreyus]

Megan102 - I agree, rejection is really miserable and it casts a pall over the entire rest of the relationship. Sex is different from everything else because in most relationships you can only get if from your SO. If you like different foods, different movies, books, TV shows, sports, whatever, you can enjoy those yourself or with other friends. Not sex.

The person who wants more sex is constantly feeling rejected and angry. The person who wants less constantly feels pressured - and then everything you do for them is seen as an attempt to bribe them for more sex. Its really bad.

Sometimes it get better (as it did for me), but often it doesn't.

[jns]

I feel for you sp346. I hope you get your needs fulfilled some of the time. For one partner to cut the other off completely is lacking of compromise. I don't remember, is that your case? Masturbation is in many ways not fulfilling. dlanier's wife offered a solution, but most couples could not handle it. In fact I doubt his wife was fully serious.

[rosekitten]

I'm afraid I'm going to disagree here. Being constantly turned down for sex is really hurtful. People get into a marriage with the reasonable expectation of regular intimacy. I do not think it is fair for someone to deny their partner a reasonable level of intimacy and not expect them to find it somewhere else. Certainly the deprived partner could ask for divorce - but what if the rest of the marriage is OK? What if there are children?

Now all this assumes that there is nothing that the deprived partner can fix in the relationship or in their sex life.

I went through this for 25 years with my wife. I didn't cheat, but in that situation I would not in any way fault someone who did. Its really difficult to imagine unless you have been in this situation.

Several months ago my situation suddenly improved, for no reason that I am aware of. We are intimate much of the time, both of us are very happy (for the first time in decades), and everything is going well. I'm happy, but it does make me realize what I was missing for half my life.

I have been cheated on because I wasn't "putting out" enough. My ex always blamed me for his actions. The fact that I was working 60+ hours a week and going to school didn't matter. His penis should have been my number one problem. If you read the posters second post, you'll see that his wife is having medical issues. There is NO excuse for cheating. If you're willing to cheat, you should leave. You can't cheat and then say "well, it's your fault that I did it." You are the only one in control of your actions. If you're unhappy to the point where you're willing to break the trust of a relationship, you shouldn't be in the relationship.

[rosekitten]

I should add that if you cheat, and are willing to own up to your choices, my stance is a little different. Stuff happens, and people screw up. But, blaming your partner for your actions is immature as far as I'm concerned. Being a military spouse I've seen a broad spectrum of reasons to cheat. The reality is that only you are in control of your actions, and to blame someone else for you choices is wrong.

[Stillness]

If you agreed to take care of your husband/wife sexually when you got married, then not "putting out" is cheating. It breaks the trust they placed in you. Saying, "Just leave," ignores financial, emotional, cultural, familial, and spiritual concerns that may make, "just leaving" difficult.

[rosekitten]

I don't know what kind of vows you took, but mine didn't include "I vow to have sex with you whenever you want it, or as frequently as needed to keep you faithful to me, just so that you don't cheat on me." I truly can't imagine wanting to force your partner to "give you a hand" or have sex with you, knowing that it caused them pain, discomfort, or zero pleasure. How is that enjoyable for anyone? I also can't imagine believing that cheating on someone because they aren't "putting out" is justifiable because of finances, or any other reason, for that matter. If people want to cheat, they are going to, but I stand by not being able to "blame" anyone but yourself.

[Stillness]

We took vows in accord with Christian standard for marriage as set forth in the Holy Scriptures (that's almost a direct quote if I remember correctly). Those scriptures do have much to say on sexuality and love within a marriage. That includes not withholding sex and a warning that doing so could lead to infidelity. Non-Christian marriages also typically have an understanding that sexual needs will be met even when it's not as explicitely stated. That's the nature of the institution. Some people's approach is less traditional, but if you expect fidelity, how would you empower your mate to keep it?

I agree that cheating is not justifiable. But while some people are just cheaters, desperation can move a person who would have been loyal to mess up.

[rosekitten]

I guess I just can't wrap my mind around someone wanting sex over love/pleasure from their spouse. There's a difference, though, between withholding as a "punishment" or out of spite for your spouse, and withholding because sex hurts you, or you simply derive no pleasure from sex. So, if I'm understanding correctly, "duty" means one should have sex with their spouse, no matter what? I really just don't understand people that would enjoy taking sex from someone who derives no pleasure from the act, or worse, taking sex from someone who is caused immense pain from sex.

My husband is currently the one with the high sex drive, and he and I talked about it last night when he got home (because of some of the responses in this thread). He wants sex, he wants a lot more sex than he is getting. However, he said he would rather go without, and not force me into doing something I didn't want to do. He only gets pleasure from the love involved in sex, and knowing that I don't want it, or that it causes me pain, makes him not pressure me, because he loves and respects me. My ex-husband, however, believed that since I wasn't putting out enough for him, it was my fault that he wasn't loyal to me. It didn't matter that I was the one working, and going to school, and doing the housework, my DUTY was to pleasure him no matter what. There was no love involved in that, and he cared more about his jollies than my happiness. It sounds to me that you support that if someone isn't getting their pleasure from their spouse, that they can't really be held responsible for cheating, because, they can't help that they weren't getting enough.

I expect a lot of things from my spouse- the primary one being love, the secondary being respect. If you love and respect your spouse, how can you force them to have sex with you?