[Drama28]

Response again...

Okay, I don't mean to get defensive, but I can't help it. Stealthkitty, I certainly realize that Kaylar is just trying to give out her advice and tell the "truth" about her feelings on the situation. If you have read my posts you would see that I never denied her "facts" or "views" but have just stated that not everything may follow an exact pattern/order. I have also stated that I do know that she is just trying to point something out that may be useful to me, but I just don't agree with the tone in which she decideds to give it. Yes, I don't want to set a bad example for my little girl, or any of them for that matter, and I certainly don't think I am. I have tried very hard throughout this horrible situation to shelter them from most of the truth. I have done all I can to let them know as little as possible and hopefully not have to deal with any of it. I know my youngest will unfortuantely take the brunt of the situation because he is her father, but when she gets older I will explain it to her and do my best to raise her as best as I can with or without her *** of a father, and no, I will not say bad things about him twords her either. I may sound stupid or naieve to you, but if you have read all of the posts; I am doing my ****dest to stay strong and raise my kids to be wonderful women! I have already taken all the steps I can to get Child support for her. My ex-husband and I and our 2 youngest girls had the DNA testing done about 2 weeks ago to make sure that our 3rd daughter was also his and not my ex-boyfriends and obviously if he isn't our youngest daughters dad, which we know he isn't, then my ex-bf is. My ex-bf, the man I have been talking about who went back to his wife was scheduled to take the DNA test at the same time, but called to reschedule so I think it is this comming week he is going in for it, then about 2 weeks from then when the results come back the court will take over and get the child support stuff set up. I do not have a lawyer, I can't afford one right now, but obviously one will be appointed to me when it comes to the court stuff. I know what I need to do and am doing it to the best of my ability. I have not tried to be mean to Kaylar in any way shape or form, and I have stated that time and time again. I am just expressing my feelings just like she is expressing her thoughts. I know that some things cannot be sugarcoated and I have also said I don't need it sugarcoated, I just would like people to be kind and have some sort of sympathy/empathy when they are responding to these posts. I have come to this site for support not judgement or criticizm. I want sound advice and the truth, but nobody needs to be mean or cold about it. That was all I was trying to say. My anger is not misplaced, I am not angry at Kaylar for saying things, just the way she has presented it. I don't want anyone to lie to me, hell, obviously I have been lied to enough for the last 3 years, the last thing I need/want is another lie! Just please consider that I am a human being with a heart and feelings just like you. I have prob. made some choices that you may not agree with, but everyone makes mistakes and we are only human. Please treat me the way you wish to be treated, act as if I were your best friend, mother, or sister. Just give me the respect that you would give anyone else that you would hope they would treat you the same in any bad situation you were having. That is all I have to say for now. Just think.....if you were in my shoes, you might feel differently.

[Stealthkitty]

Does self pity count as sympathy? If it does, you have more than enough.

Sound counsel is what is what you got from Kay. It's not that she doesn't care. Noone is judging you but that hasn't kept you from judging us. If we didn't care, we would not have posted advice. You say that you cannot afford a lawyer, well guess what, you got sound advice from two (myself and Kay) and it hasn't cost you one red cent.

Why don't you ask the court to order dna testing. Because just like this guy rescheduled the first test, he will find excuse after excuse to keep on rescheduling. You are giving him too much credit for being a decent guy when every deed you described shows that he is the exact opposite.

I just don't want to see you spend one more precious moment of your life consumed with this problem. You deserve better. Don't you believe that you deserve better. The quickest way through this whole process is to confront it head on. No more pity parties.

[Stealthkitty]

Check with your state bar association for a list of attorneys who do pro bono work in this area. Another source is the local legal services office (check the yellow pages). Also, the department of human services have lawyers working for them to go after guys like your ex-boyfriend to make them pay child support. Child support is mandatory; it's not something that he can wiggle out of.

What you are looking at: since you were married at the time your daughter was born, the law regards your ex-husband as her father; this is so despite what the dna tests reveal. Your ex-husband will have to go into court to get paternity disestablished - in other words he will have to file a petition and present proof to the court showing that he is not the father and the judge will have to sign an order to that effect; otherwise, he will still be legally responsible for support a child that is not his. The law does not look upon your ex-boyfried as the legal father; you will have to go into court to get his paternity established before he will be ordered to pay child support. When you file the petition, you can ask the court to order dna testing of your ex-beau to get the proof that you need showing that he is the father.

I hope everything works out for you.

[Drama28]

Yes, I know...

Seriously, thanks for making me feel really bad about myself. Not only am I in a horrible situation, thanks to myself, but now I am consumed with self-pitty according to you. I don't have pitty for myself, I just want to be treated like you would treat your own sister if she were in this situation, not so cold and informative. I know getting "sound" advice from legal councel like you 2 is a great thing, but someone showing a little empathy would be nice too. Apparently you didn't understand my last posts or didn't read them. I did get DNA stuff taken care of, my ex-husband, my kids and myself have already been tested so he can be "excluded" from being my youngests father. I know that had to be done first. The lady at the county said it is much easier to try and be nice to see if they will come in voluntarily first before demanding a court order which takes time and is messier. If he doesn't show up this week for the test one will be demanded by court order, no, I am not just going on his word about coming in, I was just trying it one way to see if it could get done faster.
I do believe I deserve better, I even said so in one of my last posts, that is why I am doing all I can to move on and fix this problem. I am not just sitting having a pitty-party for myself and doing nothing. I am making sure he does go and get the test and that he WILL pay child support for her and at least take care of that responsibility while I take care of the rest of the job of raising her and making sure she grows up a well-adjusted woman! Thank you for at least saying you hope it all works out, so do I. I want to move on as soon as possible for everyone's sake. When I am saying things on these posts it isn't to get pitty, it is to vent and get other's opinions and support. If you don't like me because of my situation, I'm sorry, but I needed a place to feel supported and get things off my chest. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was just wollowing in my own sorrows, but it is really hard to deal with this, you would know if you had been in my shoes. Trying to cope with life and trying to move on isn't the easiest thing to do when someone you loved more than anything just up and ****-canned you after 3 years and a kid, with nothing more than a 2 second phone call basically telling you that you shouldn't exist and the last 3 years of your life were all lies and you should just disapear cause it would be better that way! Could you even imagine being treated like that or hearing that from someone you loved and trusted?!?! I know you are a lawyer too and try to see it just from the legal standpoint, but just for a second, pretend your bf of 3 years that you have a daughter with just did that to you, what would you think or feel? If you don't want to consider that and just think I am having another pitty-party, so be it. Just trying to open your eyes to my world, not just your own.

[tinkerbell930]

Drama, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone!!!! The people that respond in a matter of "fact no feelings" manner will never "get" what you are trying to say. They will always say that you made the mistake and you should have known because he was married. Yep, we all should KNOW these things. We all should know right from wrong and never make a mistake in our lives. That would be great, and people like stealth and kaylar would be out of work. I already know how friendships with people like that go. They just shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes and "pat you on the head" and say, "poor stupid little girl, too bad you aren't as perfect as I am", I have never made a mistake in my life nor have I ever shed a tear over any man. I am so superior and strong." It doesn't matter if this guy were married or not as far as your feelings of how it ended are concerned. It can be a million different reasons why a relationship ends, when a guy dumps on a girl the feelings of hurt are there and that person needs a good friend that will help her through it without any judgement or harsh words. It he weren't married and you had a different story to tell, there would still be women out there that would tell you how stupid you were for whatever other reason. There are just some people out there that think the worst of EVERY heartache. They have to analyze it and tell you what they would or wouldn't do. So anything said to you on this post that gives you facts are just that, facts....not human emotion. I am glad I don't go through life and blame people for pain they feel. I don't sugarcoat anything and I never feel like someone is having a "pity party", when they are hurting I am patient and know that they will get through it in their own time. There is no sense making someone feel worse about something they are already punishing themselves for. You are doing the best you can. Don't take personal the things that are said in a cut and dry way. Great for those people that can get through anything once the "facts" are laid out in front of them. Boy, I am sure their emotions are just turned off once someone tells them, "I know a hundred people that have been through it, so get over it."....makes perfect sense to me. NOT! You have to be a robot...and there are people out there that are.....
This is a big ****ing match now. It is sad that people are so hell bent on making you see it their way because they have seen it so many times. I guess they just don't see that you "get" what they "know to be true".....so if you "get it" why are you still sad? I think that is the point they are trying to make. At least I guess that is the point. I don't know....it does take time to get over someone you love that has broken your heart, NO MATTER what the circumstances are. That is the point of all this.....I wonder if this was your husband that had died in a terrible accident how much time some of these people would give you to mourn? And I KNOW for fact I will get this response "this isn't her husband that died, she went after a married man and blah blah blah....I don't care! You have hurt feelings and that is what this is about. You are not the devil and just knowing that all men are pigs and if you are having a hard time in ANY relationship, no matter what the story is, the response is always the same--get out, he will never change, I have seen this before, you are stupid for staying, you have no brain and too bad that it hurts.....UGH.....
I did email you, but couldn't resist throwing out my comments....
Have a great day!

[Stealthkitty]

Drama, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone!!!! The people that respond in a matter of "fact no feelings" manner will never "get" what you are trying to say. They will always say that you made the mistake and you should have known because he was married. Yep, we all should KNOW these things. We all should know right from wrong and never make a mistake in our lives. That would be great, and people like stealth and kaylar would be out of work. I already know how friendships with people like that go. They just shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes and "pat you on the head" and say, "poor stupid little girl, too bad you aren't as perfect as I am", I have never made a mistake in my life nor have I ever shed a tear over any man. I am so superior and strong." It doesn't matter if this guy were married or not as far as your feelings of how it ended are concerned. It can be a million different reasons why a relationship ends, when a guy dumps on a girl the feelings of hurt are there and that person needs a good friend that will help her through it without any judgement or harsh words. It he weren't married and you had a different story to tell, there would still be women out there that would tell you how stupid you were for whatever other reason. There are just some people out there that think the worst of EVERY heartache. They have to analyze it and tell you what they would or wouldn't do. So anything said to you on this post that gives you facts are just that, facts....not human emotion. I am glad I don't go through life and blame people for pain they feel. I don't sugarcoat anything and I never feel like someone is having a "pity party", when they are hurting I am patient and know that they will get through it in their own time. There is no sense making someone feel worse about something they are already punishing themselves for. You are doing the best you can. Don't take personal the things that are said in a cut and dry way. Great for those people that can get through anything once the "facts" are laid out in front of them. Boy, I am sure their emotions are just turned off once someone tells them, "I know a hundred people that have been through it, so get over it."....makes perfect sense to me. NOT! You have to be a robot...and there are people out there that are.....
This is a big ****ing match now. It is sad that people are so hell bent on making you see it their way because they have seen it so many times. I guess they just don't see that you "get" what they "know to be true".....so if you "get it" why are you still sad? I think that is the point they are trying to make. At least I guess that is the point. I don't know....it does take time to get over someone you love that has broken your heart, NO MATTER what the circumstances are. That is the point of all this.....I wonder if this was your husband that had died in a terrible accident how much time some of these people would give you to mourn? And I KNOW for fact I will get this response "this isn't her husband that died, she went after a married man and blah blah blah....I don't care! You have hurt feelings and that is what this is about. You are not the devil and just knowing that all men are pigs and if you are having a hard time in ANY relationship, no matter what the story is, the response is always the same--get out, he will never change, I have seen this before, you are stupid for staying, you have no brain and too bad that it hurts.....UGH.....
I did email you, but couldn't resist throwing out my comments....
Have a great day!

Are you finished with your hissy fit now? Yes? Good. Ya know, for people who don't want to be judged, you certainly how no problem with judging (or misjudging) others. Who has blamed her. Nothing wrong with her taking personal responsibility for her actions. It is to her benefit that she do so. Not only will it help her get through this mess; but it will also help avoid this type of situation in the future.

As for not caring about her feelings... this is a lie of your own creation. Believe what you like. She bared all to the world on this forum which I have just as much right to post to as any of you. If you don't like it that is your problem. I don't care if you don't like me. I never claimed to be perfect.

I was only trying to help. Self pity never helped anyone. Never. What she needs is someone who cares enough about her to give her a kick in the pants and point out the way to some real solutions. That's obviously not you.

[Stealthkitty]

Seriously, thanks for making me feel really bad about myself. Not only am I in a horrible situation, thanks to myself, but now I am consumed with self-pitty according to you. I don't have pitty for myself, I just want to be treated like you would treat your own sister if she were in this situation, not so cold and informative. I know getting "sound" advice from legal councel like you 2 is a great thing, but someone showing a little empathy would be nice too. Apparently you didn't understand my last posts or didn't read them. I did get DNA stuff taken care of, my ex-husband, my kids and myself have already been tested so he can be "excluded" from being my youngests father. I know that had to be done first. The lady at the county said it is much easier to try and be nice to see if they will come in voluntarily first before demanding a court order which takes time and is messier. If he doesn't show up this week for the test one will be demanded by court order, no, I am not just going on his word about coming in, I was just trying it one way to see if it could get done faster.
I do believe I deserve better, I even said so in one of my last posts, that is why I am doing all I can to move on and fix this problem. I am not just sitting having a pitty-party for myself and doing nothing. I am making sure he does go and get the test and that he WILL pay child support for her and at least take care of that responsibility while I take care of the rest of the job of raising her and making sure she grows up a well-adjusted woman! Thank you for at least saying you hope it all works out, so do I. I want to move on as soon as possible for everyone's sake. When I am saying things on these posts it isn't to get pitty, it is to vent and get other's opinions and support. If you don't like me because of my situation, I'm sorry, but I needed a place to feel supported and get things off my chest. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was just wollowing in my own sorrows, but it is really hard to deal with this, you would know if you had been in my shoes. Trying to cope with life and trying to move on isn't the easiest thing to do when someone you loved more than anything just up and ****-canned you after 3 years and a kid, with nothing more than a 2 second phone call basically telling you that you shouldn't exist and the last 3 years of your life were all lies and you should just disapear cause it would be better that way! Could you even imagine being treated like that or hearing that from someone you loved and trusted?!?! I know you are a lawyer too and try to see it just from the legal standpoint, but just for a second, pretend your bf of 3 years that you have a daughter with just did that to you, what would you think or feel? If you don't want to consider that and just think I am having another pitty-party, so be it. Just trying to open your eyes to my world, not just your own.

Paranoia and self pity. What a package. Anyways...hope it works out for you. And for your kids.

[kaylar]

Arbiters


So how many times are you in your chambers, a client enters,
you give him or her advice, and she goes out on the street
'shops' your advice and then returns with all sorts of 'questions'?

A woman involved in a triangle posts, her topic..."I feel so Alone."
To prove she's not 'Alone' I give her various scenarios and tell
her that what she is experiencing is 'Text Book'. I've seen it
a few dozen times.

Now she doesn't want advice. She wants to be pitied. She
wants some one to tell her, "It's okay to screw around with
a Married man."
She wants to be told; "He's evil to go home to his wife."
She wants to be told, "He'll come back to you."

Of course, none of these things will help the situation, they
will just put a bandaide over a machete wound. Because that
kind of advice is worthless.

For over a month this woman has been at Square One.
Still in love with man who used and discarded her, still
waiting for some magic to happen. She might be en route
to Square Two, but, ahhh, she's returned to Square One
by totally useless commiseration.

Here she is getting free legal advice because we happen to
be on this forum and happen to respond.

She doesn't even see it.

I knew two months ago exactly what was going to happen.
As it unfolds, I keep waiting for the moment when a little
light gets into the darkness. It almost happened, but alas,
darkness is comforting.

[Stealthkitty]

Right on Kay. Bad thing about being in the dark... you don't know your friends from your enemies.

[tinkerbell930]

Wow

What else can be said. Maybe a kick in the head is more appropriate for all the stupid women in the world and I will be the first in line because I am obviously on the top of that list! I am outta this place!