[cassie66]

i know im doing my best its not easy to get away

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You will... Let us know how you go regarding housing for abusive wives/kids.. remember, verbal is still abuse.

CW

[WildChild]

Wow, it's 3 am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Cassie, this is really distrubing behavior. Animal abuse is recognized as an indicator and in many places treated pretty much like child abuse. This man has really serious issues, you need to get away from him and get your kids away from him. It's one thing to state a preference not be around animals but that level of agression is unacceptable. Breaking your clock is too. This is a form of abuse and intimidation. Instead of attacking you he is attacking things around you as a means of threatening you and controlling you.

That's it lady, gloves off! Lay down the law, crack the whip. NOW. Inform (do not discuss) INFORM him that you will not tollerate this kind of behavior and that any further incidents will result in your calling the police to have him removed from the house. You cannot play games with someone like this. Why are you sharing a bed with this man? Everytime you lay down next to him, ask for his affection, anything like that - you validate his behavior. This is intollerable. I know you are working on it but you need a sense of urgency! Get employed and get really focused on getting out. WHAT do you think is going to happen once he thinks your money is gone and the child support is ending? You will be completely dependant on him then !! He will hold ALL the power and he is not a safe man to be in that posistion with.

Don't make your kids an excuse not to get out. Make them your reason to get out! He will only get worse. This guy isn't one worth getting counseling to see if you can save the relationship. You haven't presented any redeeming qualities that he has and this new revelation is alarming.

[cassie66]

just a couple fo lines as he is on phone, wild child do you think his behaviour

is that bad?
i went upstairs and he said im not talking to you i said whjy are you mardi moody? he said you put me in a mood for not doing as your told and not shutting the door and putting cat out as i asked you too so im going to sleep so there! and turned over. how childish!
5 mins later he started going on about his cuts/sores on his privates saying do you want to look i said no so he went to loo and said ow look and thrust it in my eye there was no cuts! he sasid i no u want it but you cant have it and no im not touching you. i never said a word! anyway i ignored him he is getting up now

i am doing my best to find info/ help and why should i sleep on sofa? its my bed

[cassie66]

once all money has gone we cannoit afford this house he sunder assumption my dad would have died then and left me money

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ohhhh ahhhhh

Cassie, we have private messaged right?

I TOLD YOU, why he was PRETENDING that he had sores, remember? How right was I?

Yes, I believe Wildchild is 100% correct, as I also mentioned be careful, keep the cat out of the bedroom and to sleep on the lounge.. Reason? Because you have to take back some control, have to let him see he no longer has it, it has nothing to do with him thinking your leaving, see the thing is is that he knows you can't you don't have money a job, so he knows ( so he thinks).

I have to give WC 100% on her reply, she sees because she has been there, we really need to get you out AND NOW.

Remember a little more you said here on Private Messaging? about stuff that could, also get him in trouble?

I think maybe now may be the time sweet.

Don't get caught here, he is there, get going off and come back later ok.

CW

[WildChild]

Yes, I do think his behavior is that bad. Manhandling weaker beings - human or animal is a behavior engaged in by weak people. Not necessarily physically weak but emotionally. They are dangerous because they get their sense of worth and personal power not from their own value but from the power they can exert over others.

You have no way of knowing when or if that need for contol will turn to physical abuse. Harming or threatening harm to beings close to you (whether cat or child) and damaging your possessions is step away from doing you physical harm. I don't know what you have pmd CW but she is concerned and I think she has pretty good judgement. This isn't he's a beast. he bought you a Beemer when he knows you prefer a Merc, or he critisized the color of your nail polish. This guy doesn't bathe, plays choo choo train, engages in manipulative, controlling behavior, is completely self focused, had made implied and overt threats and is edging toward violence. The train game would be amusing on its own. The whole package is distrubing, very much so.

Don't freak out you need your wits about you. But you need to yourself and kids out or get him out. Why don't you see if you can have a private conversation with his sister? Would she talk with you, without it getting back to him? Find out if she has any stories to share, ones that aren't just general sibling stuff? Things like the cruelty to animals, destroying other people's stuff, getting 'even' with someone? You may have to clever, talking with her, draw her out. But I'd try to get her input on his past behavior. It may give you a better picture what you are dealing with or could expect if he escalates.

[cassie66]

his sister doesnt like me i guess we dont speak i am listening but at the mo i have nowhere to go im sticking to a plan

[WildChild]

Any idea why she doesn't like you? Like she thinks anyone who would marry him must be just as bad? She could become an ally?

Stick with your plan but keep looking for ways to move it forward faster. Try to develop a backup. What will you do if his behavior escalates? Him shoving his willie in your eye and saying, "I know you want it, you can't have it", is a multi level behavior. On one hand it's the unsharing child. Remember when your kids went through the phase when everything was, "Mine!"? In a way he's still there. But it's also a controlling behavior, he told you that women in his life previously refused him sex? Maybe they did, maybe he refused them... in either case, he now gets more out of withholding and the control than out of sex or oragsm. He wants you begging and he will dole out just barely enough to keep you wanting it or so he thinks. That is why I keep wondering - how could you want him? Behavior aside, his hygiene would keep most women away. That level of inexperience, he can't be that good anyway. LOL. There are men who just have a natural sense of women and love making - I can guarantee he isn't one of them. Not with his attitude.

The question is what he might do if withholding sex no longer provides the power play he craves. He'll move on to other things. Money is one, he's already doing that. I'll guess he engages in other behaviors that give him a feeling of power and control, that I know something you don't, I have something you want and can't get kind of stuff. Think about it, what other behaviors can you see, what can you see him doing when his current ploys don't work? He controls the transportation, he essentially controls the computer, he could easily lock you off it with a log on password and could track everything you do on it - I'm a computer idiot but I could do those. He has already gotten you to spend down most of your resourses and is trying to control what money you have coming in. The breaking your possessions, threatening your cat... what do you see ahead when those are no longer working to manipulate your behavior? Do you begin to see why I am so concerned?

There is clearly emotional abuse but consider this; physical abuse doesn't necessarily involve any physical contact. It isn'tjust hitting. Physical abuse can be refusing to let someone see a doctor when they are ill or injured. Physical abuse can be denying food, medicine or even physical contact. Can you see this man doing this? I can from what you have shared.

One of my sisters had a husband who did this kind of stuff, he traveled with his work and would disable her car before he left town (she knows nothing about cars, he pulled the rotor) he would block the credit cards (Mr only), actually closed the checking account a couple times. This left her effectively stranded with two small children. They had moved to another state and so she had no support network there. There were a couple of incidents which could have been attempts to kill or maim her. She came outside one day to find him messing with the BBQ grill ignition. Later he started grilling some meat. told her he had to run a quick errand and handed her the BBQ tongs. She asked him where this came from as it wasn't part of their set ( apparently these were all metal - no insulation on the handle) he said he hadn't like the others. After he left she casually tossed the tongs onto the surface of the grill and a huge electric arc literally leaped from the metal and scorched the ground. When he returned she asked him what was going on? What was he trying to do? He took a sledge hammer to the grill, totally destroyed it. He also ordered not to take their kids to the doctor when they were sick and engaged in other controlling behavior. He never hit her. He figured it was fine as long as he didn't hit. She finally got out, he left on a trip one day and she grabbed a Uhaul, literally threw stuff in there, not even packed and drove back home. I stored her stuff in my garage, she and the kids stayed with another sister and we helped her get resettled. She worked her tail off, got her degree and now owns her own house, drives a nice car and has a pretty good job.

You can get out of this and get free of this man! Then you need to become self sufficient. Learn to care and provide for yourself then if you choose to let a man into your life it will be because you truly enjoy him and his company - not because you are needy in any way.

[Hopeless Dork]

If there was any doubt to him not having a heart inside that human shell of his, he's removed it now. I will admit to being a vegetarian and PETA member, but I don't think it takes extreme care for animals feelings and basic right to freedom from unecessary cruelty to see that this move of slamming the cat across the room as being one of a sociopathic nature.

Most serial killers have admitted to starting with animals. The blatent disregard for the feelings of any living thing is a sure sign of future blatent disregard for the feelings of human living things. He is selfish and will put his own need to throw a tantrum over that cats safety. Who's to say you wont be the next thing he flings across the room and at a wall.

I have known many women that will put up with with anything from a man because the thought of being alone is more feared than occasional slaps to the face and/or being degraded constantly. They always made excuses about not being able to make it on their own, but to me the bottom line was they just didn't want to. The unknown IS scary, and it is also easy to have ones identity wrapped up in how badly someone is treating them.

I spent many years alone with no man in my life in any capacity and from my experience it wasn't bad at all. I focused on me and my needs and my own happiness that wasn't dependent on anyone but me. I have not read one single thing that you have had to say about him that is something that brings you the slightest hint of joy... you have nothing to balance out the scales like some women reach for.

Some can say - well he beats me with a broomstick, but he's great with the kids Or he doesn't like my kids but he is so loving to me Or he's not nice to any of us but he has a great job and provides for us in ways we couldn't live otherwise Or he calls me names but the sex is great etc etc...

Mind you, none of the things I said above are good enough reasons to stick with a person compared to the bad that comes with them... but cassie you have not mentioned one single thing that even attempts to balance the scales of how badly he treats you. Not one thing.

He's emptying your bank account - and will continue to do so til the well is dry and already has plans on emptying your fathers well once its given to you as you have said.

He shows you NO physical affection, does not provide you with sex, is selfish and degrading when you try to get YOUR needs met.

He is childish and doesn't treat your kids as they deserve to be treated, doesn't partipate in their lives as he should and fights with them over food.

He's mean, tells you to shut up and now you can add - beats the cat to the list.

FFS. Really. I hate to come off harsh but you have darn near reached "needing an intervention" time - where you have to actually sit and face all the reasons why you should not be there anymore, why it is only going to get worse and you are not going to wake up one day and he's a completely different guy. Hope is awesome but don't ever let that teeter into delusion. From what you have said about this man, and thats all we have to go on... he's a jerk that needs to be out on his butt and learn to realize that life is a give and take and that his mom may have let him take take take but that no other woman will ever put up with that!!!