[emptypea2001]

My point is not for him to focus more on masturbation, but to deal with the hormonal level on his own, so that his current obsession isn't always in his wife's face.

[LanaBear]

We've recently agreed that we would tell each other what our needs are rather than fruitlessly waiting for the other to figure it out. Both of us were used to bottling it up and moping about. I hope we can keep this a permanent part of our relationship. It's going to be difficult at first.

It may be difficult at first, but it may also be a huge relief. Not wondering what the other is thinking, being able to speak to the other about what you are feeling and wanting.

It may be difficult, but in the end, hopefully it brings the two of you closer together and more understanding of the other. Hopefully it will help the two of you take your relationship to another level.

It's good to hear that you are taking this step.

Good luck!

[MiniVanMan]

And when she does have sex with me, when I know she's not in that mood, she is there for me because she LOVES me. I've read several books that said that this is an act of love, a "gift" if you will, to me. I've learned to accept the gift from her and not have such high expectations about her matching my drive.

I'll try to see it that way. I wasn't trying to imply that the only reason I did these things for my wife was to get laid. It actually felt good to be more caring than I've been in, well, I don't know how long.

(...communicate your frustrations rather than bottling them up and letting them fester, which causes resentment.)

It sure does. We've recently agreed that we would tell each other what our needs are rather than fruitlessly waiting for the other to figure it out. Both of us were used to bottling it up and moping about. I hope we can keep this a permanent part of our relationship. It's going to be difficult at first.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

[StillLearnin]

Here's my take on it. I have learned a lot about relationships the past couple of years going through something similar as you (similar as in sexual issues being addressed and worked on). I wanted the same thing as you, for her to WANT to make love to me, have hot sex with me, as much as I wanted it. But she's just not wired that way. So what I learned was that the times she is there for me, which is a LOT more now than ever (it's night and day, I tell you), she's not always going to be in the same mood as I am. And when she does have sex with me, when I know she's not in that mood, she is there for me because she LOVES me. I've read several books that said that this is an act of love, a "gift" if you will, to me. I've learned to accept the gift from her and not have such high expectations about her matching my drive.

Here's another interesting thing that has happened that shows how much our sexual relationship has improved. Before all of this we would have to use lubricant about half the time because she wasn't that wet. But since we have worked on our issues, even when she isn't in the same mood as me (the "gift"), she is wet now. She's learned to relax and how to enjoy sex, and our intimate times together. She now is saying that our relationship is stronger than it ever has been because of the increased physical time we have together now. We take more showers (more in the past 6 months than in the past 20 years of our marriage), we lay around naked more, we are just enjoying the physical touch of each other more.

If you can work it out with your wife, it is so worth it. But it won't happen overnight. Just be patient. Sounds like you are on the right track. Do things for her because you want to do them for her, not because you want something in return (sex).

(But, in my past experience, I was doing so much for her she was totally satisfied, but she did nothing in return to meet my needs, didn't talk to me in my love language. that built up a lot of resentment from me to her. So you can only do so much of that then realize that you aren't getting anywhere as far as your needs being met. When you reach that point keep doing them, but communicate your frustrations rather than bottling them up and letting them fester, which causes resentment.)

[MiniVanMan]

You still just made a huge long post about how she lost interest in sex and you didn't, and that's the cause of the problem. (still, all about sex)

Sorry it was so long. I felt I had to explain it in detail to make my point. I can try to be more concise if that will help.

The two of you lost the emotional connection that she needs in a relationship.

But that's not what she and all those other people are telling me. They're saying the emotional connection was still there early on. It's just that she didn't want sex anymore. She actually said to me 'It's not that I loved you any less than before, it's that I just didn't want to have sex that often'. So what was the problem? She and my therapists say that there was no problem. I guess the only issue was that I didn't change along with her. I know I’m hung up on the issue of why this started in the first place. I believe you’re all telling me to let that go. It’s still painful after all these years. This is what therapists are for.

Until you can recognize the root of the problem and stop fixating on the whole sex thing, no progress will be made in your relationship at all. It's not really fair to sit and expect your wife to change and put all this effort in (and hope of it getting better) if you're not willing to give up on the whole sex thing. It's not the problem, it's a symptom of and huge problem in your relationship. Your wife has communicated that to you and there are pages of posts in this thread of everyone repeating it and you choose to ignore it and fixate on sex.

I'm not ignoring it. I hear what you all are saying. Really I do. I’m listening. I’m just still trying to work it out. It’s a struggle for me.

I’m beginning to realize that there are two issues here. One is that I feel hurt and betrayed by our early history when sex fell off the radar because the novelty wore off for her but not for me, and I can’t get over it. The other is the current problem, in which she needs emotional intimacy and is not getting it, and because of that our sex life is suffering (let’s forget about the masturbation thing for now).

The focus is on sex because that's what’s important to me. I understand that she has a different view of this. I also understand that her problem is also our problem. I get that. But like any issue in a marriage, there are two points of view and they're equally valid. I value sex. It’s what brings me closer to emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is what she needs to have sex. That’s what she values. And although I appreciate your opinion and that you're trying to help, it's not anyone's place to try to convince me what I should value and what I shouldn't. (Jeez, I hope I don't start a flame war saying that. I'm not trying to be harsh. Just trying to stand up for myself).

So the emotional connection is not there, but I've been working on that in the last few days specifically in response to the advice you all have given me. I've been more engaged in our conversations, making her feel that I’m genuinely interested in what we’re talking about. I offered to make her breakfast Sunday morning, which I've never done before, and she seemed to really appreciate that. Just last night out of the blue I offered to help with some of her volunteer work she's been doing, and I spent much of the evening on it. Guess what? She's been more attentive to me physically. Ha! The lights come on!

I think this is the compromise you’ve all been telling me we need to do. It sounds silly, but help me understand this better. Has it really worked for you? Do you really want your spouse to do something for you that isn’t something he or she actually wants to do? In my wife’s case of the volunteer work, is it that she valued that I was making the attempt more than she valued the work itself? For me, having my wife make that kind of effort in the bedroom on the surface sounds great. In reality, the whole time I’ll know she’s just doing it to make me happy, not that she’s doing it because she wants to, and I find that sort of forced, I guess. Like I’m not attractive.

Can it last? Can we continue like this until we both are happy on an ongoing basis? You’d probably tell me that if we genuinely want it to work we will put in the effort.

[Hopeless Dork]

PS -- edging isn't something that can only be done with masturbation. Its a great couples activitity.

[Hopeless Dork]

Make your masturbation better by studying "Edging" - make it last for half an hour instead of half a minute.

No offense but I think with all the problems the OPs relationship is having with masturbation... the last thing he needs to do is focusing on it and coming up with new ways to make the masturbation last longer (since the time he spent sexually pleasing himself was one of his wifes biggest concerns in the first place)

If she was already upset at the time he dedicated to masturbation do you really thinking trying to increase that time is the best idea to get this relationship back in good healthy condition? :S

[StillLearnin]

At least you have something to work with. She has a drive and a need for sex.
You two just need to figure out how to meet in the middle so that you are both satisfied, sexually, and emotionally.

[emptypea2001]

OK, here's my last take on this. Men and women are different. What is important to you may be of no, or little interest to her and vice versa. Proof?: Watching Oprah.

My advice, again is to stop making sex the central focal point in your life and trying to impose that on her; it obviously is not for her and you can't change that by begging for it all the time. Make your masturbation better by studying "Edging" - make it last for half an hour instead of half a minute. Get off your wife's back (or front) and let her come to you. I promise you will get much more sex (and better) sex from her than you are now.

[sourpuss]

(bottom line for the impatient: she lost interest, and I did not)

You still just made a huge long post about how she lost interest in sex and you didn't, and that's the cause of the problem. (still, all about sex)

The two of you lost the emotional connection that she needs in a relationship. There's a big difference. Until you can recognize the root of the problem and stop fixating on the whole sex thing, no progress will be made in your relationship at all. It's not really fair to sit and expect your wife to change and put all this effort in (and hope of it getting better) if you're not willing to give up on the whole sex thing. It's not the problem, it's a symptom of and huge problem in your relationship. Your wife has communicated that to you and there are pages of posts in this thread of everyone repeating it and you choose to ignore it and fixate on sex.