[vikingfan23]

Well there is alot going on here. She sees your masterbation as a problem. Maybe because before she was masterbating, since your sex drive was higher, you were using masterbation in place of sex because she couldn't or wouldn't keep up with you. She was probably feeling some of the emotions you are feeling right now upon finding out about her recent 2x week sessions. Once those feelings crept in to her she began distancing herself emotionally from you, and therefore no longer felt close or intimate with you.
Masterbation for women can be many different things. And it is NOT always about sex. I have been masterbating since I was in elementary school. Once I became an adult I have found I masterbate for different reasons. Sometimes if I'm really stressed I will do it to relax. If I'm tired but can't sleep I'll do it to relax. And of course if I'm horny and my husband is not around I'll do it. One thing though, women can masterbate and still want and need sex from their partner. My sex drive is way higher than my husbands so knowing that, I may masterbate a couple of times a week just because I know he is more of a once a week guy.
I think you guys need to go to counseling together, and you need to find out what the underlying issue is and how to get the intimacy back. Once the intimacy returns her longing for sex with you will return. Perhaps you two can masterbate in front of each other, alot of couples find that to be hot and that can lead to sex itself.

[Hopeless Dork]

How about turning the tables here. I have a husband that hasn't wanted sex with me for 35 years. We've been married for 40 years on May 2. He tried to convince me that people don't have sex over 35. I have cried myself to sleep for decades and tried to talk about this with him several times.

I am so sorry. I am thankful to you for your sharing your story... for many of those women AND men out there in relatively early phases of their relationship going through something similiar though. For a sexual person to sacrafice 35 years of their pleasure trying to get their partner to care enough about them to try to please them... is heartbreaking.

For those that sit and think, maybe he'll change, maybe she'll change... read those words: decades.

Communication is so important if you aren't getting what you need from your partner, and if a compromise can't be made... you can spend 35 years banging your head against a brick wall... or cut your losses way earlier on if your partner refuses to respect your feelings/wants/needs.

I wish the best for you, Jolie and am truly feeling a pain in my gut for how hurtful your relationship has been to you.

If you had it to do over again... at what point/if any.... would you have realized that he was set in his ways and not changing?

[emptypea2001]

Was the sex ever good? My guess is the few times you have had sex with him, it was bad. Does he masturbate? Additionally, does he have any redeeming qualities other than bringing home a paycheck? Finally, why on earth would you stay with someone in this kind of situation for so long expecting a different result?

[JoliAvocat]

Can you give us a couple of examples of what he asks you to do to have sex? Are they things even a friend could do instead? Yes, this is abuse.
People have sex at any age, no matter how long they have been together. If he wants a roommate then he should get a roommate, not try to turn his wife into a roommate, that's a nasty trap he set there.

He hasn't asked me to do anything. Married partners that don't want to have sex any longer make up excuses why they can't or don't want to do it. If this goes on for years, the excuses obviously get more ornate and involved and eventually run out. At that point the cat is out of the bag and it's just acknowledged sex isn't going to happen-no reason needed. And yes, this is abuse. It's also a selfish acknowledgement of I don't have to do that if I don't want to-nevermind I am married. I just don't. Very inconsiderate.

[JoliAvocat]

You've got to let that go man. Really, you have to just take a deep breath and let it all go.
The past is the past, and an unhappy one at that. Your fixation on sex and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole is what got the two of you to this place to begin with.

I disagree. He's obviously trying to work this out for himself and her. He may be over analyzing the situation at this point but letting it go is deadly. It festers and comes out later with a huge bang. Work it out. Don't let it go. Three or four marriage counselors have told me this.

[stressed]

Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

Can you give us a couple of examples of what he asks you to do to have sex? Are they things even a friend could do instead? Yes, this is abuse.
People have sex at any age, no matter how long they have been together. If he wants a roommate then he should get a roommate, not try to turn his wife into a roommate, that's a nasty trap he set there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

WT?

That's abuse... Taking advantage, knowingly....

[JoliAvocat]

She's using sex as a weapon. You can have it IF you DO this. Sex cannot be negotiated. Good sex just is. Your wife is like my husband. No real sex in 35 years and we too are in counseling. He wants me to be his friend. I want him to be my husband. I don't have sex with friends. Mine keeps moving the chess pieces around the board bringing up a new thing I have to do to have sex with him. It's a mean game IMO.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

A friend, who lives with you, talks to you so you don't get lonely, cleans up after you, washes your clothes, cooks your meals, and occasionally, pats your arm...

35 Years, wow, I have no idea how you have done that..

I lived in a loveless marriage for 7 and I walked... He wouldn't do councelling and sex was "sex", well intimacy is intimacy so I'm with you on that one.

I so hope things work out for you but 35 years is a long time for someone to understand, change, & view things differently...

I hope that if it doesn't work, that you realise you've done all you can and you can have friends anywhere and find that, that you crave and deserve in life.

CW

[JoliAvocat]

How about turning the tables here. I have a husband that hasn't wanted sex with me for 35 years. We've been married for 40 years on May 2. He tried to convince me that people don't have sex over 35. I have cried myself to sleep for decades and tried to talk about this with him several times. If I try to discuss it he will do it once and then go another 2 years before I convince him that sex is healthy in marriage and that I am so lonely. I am an unwanted wife that is profoundly sad. We don't kiss, hug or anything. I get a sisterly pat on my arm before bed. Masturbation gets old very fast. Eventually, I would have liked a man to hold me and be close with me. NO dice. I have wasted my entire adult sex life waiting for a miracle. We are in marriage counseling as of today. He said he wants me to be his friend. I want a husband. It's always a new excuse but perhaps if our relationship is better it might occur to him he's a husband and should have some intimacy with me. I am so broken over this. I think it's fueled and intense breakdown in our long marriage.

There is no greater pain than sexual rejection. It hurts and there isn't much one can do about it. Talking? We've talked and talked for hours years and decades. There is no sex drive here. Doctor's say he's normal. They don't care. The incredibly personal pain and the hopeless feeling is off the charts. I even got a brazilian wax - and nice to see but no on sex. I cried.

Sex is an extremely important part of any relationship. When you are intimate, any other difficulties in the relationship are dealt with in a much softer way. You remember being close to the person and wanting the best for them.