How To Use A Vibrator In A Relationship From Someone Who Knows
Vibrators aren’t just for single women or the post-sex orgasm you give yourself because your partner can’t find the clitoris with a map, a flashlight, and a neon sign that says, “It’s right here!”
Vibrators are also perfect for relationships.
Ultimately, they can make sex better, increase orgasms in numbers and strength, and may even improve your relationship.
Editor’s Note: This article is part of our How To Use A Vibrator and Everything Vibrators hubs, in-depth and evolving resources that comprehensively explore all aspects of vibrators from the different types and how to use them, to materials and safety — created to help you achieve the sexual pleasure you deserve.
How To Use A Vibrator In Your Relationship
Using a vibrator in your relationship doesn’t have to be complicated or “weird.”
While some guys can feel threatened or intimidated by a vibrator, not all do. And often, those feelings can be overcome with communication and a desire for mutual pleasure.
Mutual pleasure is often what a vibrator brings to your relationship.
The way to use your vibrator with a partner depends on your comfort level, the toy you have, and what you want to accomplish.
You can masturbate together, use it during sex play (such as vibrator bondage), or let your vibrator be part of the action during penetration.
Benefits Of Using A Vibrator In A Relationship
The only real reason to use a vibrator with your partner is that you want to.
That being said, there are a lot of benefits to bringing a toy to bed with you, including:
- Increased pleasure for both partners, thanks to the shared, buzzy vibrations on your sensitive parts
- More orgasms for women in heterosexual relationships; vibrators in such a relationship can literally help close the orgasm gap
- A routine or boring sex life is instantly spiced up by adding something new and fun that you may have never tried before
Ultimately, using a vibrator in your relationship can make sex better for both partners.
Is It Normal To Use A Vibrator In A Relationship?
There’s no such thing as “normal” — because normal is just what we think everyone else might be doing.
The problem with vibrator use is that people generally don’t talk about it with each other so we think we’re the only ones using them in a relationship.
Here’s the reality though.
As far back as a 2009 study, 52.5% of women and 44.8% of men reported using a vibrator.
If half of everyone is doing something, we can certainly consider it “normal.”
Looking deeper into the study results, 91% of the men in that study who had reported using vibrators had done so with their female partners.
Although the study doesn’t quantify whether partnered vibrator use took place within a relationship, it’s clear that many people use them together.
Ultimately, though, when it comes to using a vibrator in a relationship, it doesn’t matter if a lot of other people do it.
(Cue the familiar question about jumping off bridges with your friends.)
If it feels good, and it’s consensual, then that’s all the reason you need to do anything — including bringing a vibrator into your relationship — or even using a vibrator in public together.
Are Vibrators Bad For A Relationship?
The “sex toys ruin relationships” lie tends to come from insecure partners who are intimidated by a bit of plastic and silicone.
They think they’re being replaced or that they can’t measure up against a vibrator.
The reality is that vibrators are tools and enhancements that are meant to be used to your mutual benefit.
They don’t replace the warm body of a lover or the intimacy of a post-sex cuddle.
A partner who wants you to experience pleasure will embrace figuring out what you need to get you there, even if that means using the biggest, loudest vibrator to do it.
In fact, studies suggest that using a vibrator with your partner may be good for your relationship.
Both men and women in relationships with sexual variety — including using a vibrator — reported higher satisfaction in the relationship.
How To Introduce A Vibrator Into Your Relationship
The only way to add something new to your sex life, like a vibrator, is to talk about it.
If you can’t openly communicate with your partner about your needs, the entire relationship becomes much more difficult.
You don’t have to bombard your partner with a lot of information all at once, especially if you don’t know how they’ll react.
“It’s important to keep in mind that this kind of conversation can make your partner uncomfortable. If they are, then it may be best to stop the conversation, and revisit it another time,” Dr. Susan Milstein, a human sexuality health educator and member of our medical review board, said.
“I think it’s important to keep in mind that it may take an attempt or two for the partner to be open to the conversation,” she advised.
Here are a few ways to ease into it when you and your partner are ready.
- Mention sex toy use casually:
It may involve sharing an article you read (like this one!) or mentioning something you see in a movie but the question can be as simple as, “What do you think about that?”
The way your partner responds will help you figure out just how open they are to the idea.
If they don’t shut you down immediately, you can go deeper into the conversation.
- Get specific about what you want:
If your partner seems open to the idea and doesn’t freak out at the mere mention of a vibrator, start talking about what you want.
You might be curious about exploring vibrator bondage, or maybe you just want to start with something a lot tamer.
Whatever it is you desire, talk about it openly.
“I’d love to try a toy with you. It could make us both feel even better during sex.”
This doesn’t have to be an indictment of all the sex you’ve had before.
And if your partner seems sensitive to implied criticism, focus on the benefits to both of you.
- Suggest using a couples sex toy at first:
Your partner might be enthusiastic right away and encourage you to bring your favorite toy to bed.
But if there’s still hesitation or concern, try a toy designed for both of you to enjoy.
For heterosexual couples, the first thing to try is often a vibrating cock ring, like those carried by Adam & Eve.
Some are designed for both partners to feel the vibrations, which can be even more exciting.
Plus, they’re inexpensive — which is ideal when you’re first experimenting with toys you’re not sure you’ll even like.
You can also try a vibrator with a remote control or a wearable vibrator that lets your partner control the settings and sensations (within your limits) at home or even in public.
When they see how much pleasure you get from it, they may be willing to try more toys in the future.
- Shop for a vibrator together:
No matter what kind of vibrator you settle on, shopping together makes it a toy for both of you.
You can discuss the features, how they might feel, and where you most need stimulation.
That kind of openness not only helps you buy a vibrator that will work best but can lead to other, more intimate conversations later.
In Conclusion
Bringing a vibrator into your relationship isn’t weird or harmful.
In fact, it could be amazing for your sex life and the health of your relationship.
Talking about it is the first step. Finding the perfect vibrator is the next.
If you need help, check out our Everything Vibrators article and take our vibrator quiz to find your perfect vibe match.
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